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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Grandfather behaviour to granddaughter

233 replies

Stripesarethethingforme · 24/03/2025 01:53

My Dad's behaviour towards my eldest daughter has started to worry me and I need some advice as I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this other than my husband who is also concerned.

My Dad asks my daughter to sit on his lap a lot - he wanted her to sit on his lap for over an hour this afternoon. Kept pulling her back in if she got off and asking her to hug him. He focuses all his attention on her and ignores his other grandchildren when she's there. He asks her to hug him a lot- for example this afternoon after having her sit in his lap for a really long time he was still asking her to come and hug him. She's six years old. It makes me deeply uncomfortable.

I found him giving her a foot massage after dinner this evening and saying how nice it was to be stroked. I'm really not happy about this but I'm not sure whether I'm projecting something that isn't there as I have a difficult relationship with my Dad. I've never liked him hugging me although I can't say exactly why, I just don't like it.

What would you do? Should I be concerned?

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 24/03/2025 12:22

If he's doing all this in plain sight I dread to think what he'd get up to alone with her. It's clearly pervy and horrible.
The fact you never liked him hugging you must mean something. Most little girls do love hugging their dads, though a normal one wouldn't keep forcing it.
I honestly think you should stop inviting him round. What about your Mum, what do you think she'd make of it?

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 24/03/2025 12:23

Hugs and knee-sitting etc. should be child led -with any relation or friend - always. If she is trying to leave his lap and he is keeping her there (even with more hugs) -do intervene. Even if all is innocent - this is still the right thing for you to do.

Don't dismiss your feelings. You have no 'evidence' so direct confrontation is likely to be fruitless - but being on your guard because of your instinct is wise.

Yes to protecting her with 'the talk' and starting to drip feed this.

Give her time to talk and let her say anything.

lifeonmars100 · 24/03/2025 12:24

My dad used to force me to sit on his lap right into my mid teens. he also used to hang around my bedroom door and the bathroom when I was in the bath or getting washed. While he never physically did anything I grew up in an atmosphere that always felt "off", with comments about my appearance and developing body. It had a really negative effect on my life

Bentoforthehorde · 24/03/2025 12:26

I was molested by my grandad, mum's dad for years.
Please listen to your instincts.
If he is a good man and nothing suspicious is happening then he should be able to understand that you have boundaries.
If any family members kick up a fuss then they are essentially letting you know that their feelings override your boundaries, and you cannot trust them to respect your wishes.

mumuseli · 24/03/2025 12:27

MyLemonZebra · 24/03/2025 09:30

I had an uncle who was always very affectionate and cuddly with me. Didn't keep me on his knee or anything but favored me. I was the only girl and a few years younger than my sibling and cousins. He had known me since I was a baby where as the others were older when he married into our family so i guess i was his only true niece on our side and that's why we all felt he was more affectionate with me. I used to go and sit with him on the sofa in the end, conditioned to I supposed and no one suspected anything as we were in a room fill of adults, he was never on his own when he did this and my parents never left me on my own with him so it was just considered affectionate. It was by me too. I genuinely liked him and didnt feel uncomfortable. Until the day, age 8, that we were all called into the dining room for sunday dinner and he kept me on his knee that few seconds longer so we were the last ones left in the lounge, 30 seconds max. I learnt never to go near him again after he inappropriately touched me over my clothes. I told him off and said I didn't like him doing that, I was raised to have my own mind and not simply comply by my amazing parents. He never tried anything else as I guess he realised I was not the right child for his abuse. I never told anyone. As an 8 year old with no sexual thoughts I didn't recognise it as abuse, just teasing. I was about 14 when I sat down watching a TV program which tackled these issues and I thought 'hold on a minute'. By that point he was divorced out of our family and had had a serious stroke so was no danger to anyone else. My parents would have been destroyed by this. They were good and protective parents, that 30 seconds whilst they were in the next room with all doors open was the only opportunity he had in a decade and he took it.
I'll probably post this and disable my account as this is my biggest secret. Might not even press post to be honest. But if I do I hope you read this and take on board how subtle abuse can be when it's people known to you.

So sorry to hear that this happened to you. Thank you and well done for sharing your story, as it will help others understand how this can happen. xxx

cally201 · 24/03/2025 12:27

You have one job today - to put an immediate stop to this. If it blows up then so be it. Protect your daughter now.

eyeoflifehe · 24/03/2025 12:36

My DSis was like this. Nothing suspicious but it made me and DSon uncomfortable when she was basically trying to force him to hug her all the time and wasn’t understanding consent. She is emotionally dependant on her own DD too. I cut contact.

RealEagle · 24/03/2025 12:43

Right you know this behaviour is wrong.Dont let her be around your dad at all !!!

Missj25 · 24/03/2025 12:44

Sitting on his lap & for an hour !!!!
That is very wrong, & feet rubbing, it’s fucked up !!!
That has to make your daughter feel very uncomfortable..
If it feels wrong it is wrong !
You said you & your husband don’t think it’s right , Yeah cause it isn’t !
Stop it now …
Tell that father of yours aswel straight out not to be asking your little girl to sit on his lap , she doesn’t like it .. End of ..
Never leave him alone with any of your children..
Being honest , I wouldn’t want him around anyway …

Pyjamatimenow · 24/03/2025 12:47

This was the way it started before I was molested when I was 7. Keep her away from him

Patterncarmen · 24/03/2025 12:48

Tell your dad his behaviour is inappropriate, and you won't be visiting him with any of your children in future. Be direct as possible that there is no future contact between him and your children at all. No cards, no presents, no nothing. And, frankly, I wouldn't see him ever again either.

ThinWomansBrain · 24/03/2025 12:49

All the PP comments about speaking age appropriately with your daughter - yes absolutely, but why so few comments about telling your father/parents that his behaviour is completely out of line and not to stop being so touchy/feely (if that's all it is) with her?
Or telling him that you are going no contact and the reason why

Apreslapluielesoleil · 24/03/2025 12:50

Yes you should be very concerned.
You’ve actually described all the red flags of potential abuse.
Stop him having contact with your dc immediately.
Tell him why.

YourWildAmberSloth · 24/03/2025 13:02

Yes you should be concerned. Keep your daughter away from him and any other children as well. Share your concerns with siblings, because if he can't get to your daughter he will likely target another. And tell your father and mother why, his behaviour is totally inappropriate and disgusting.

PollyHutchen · 24/03/2025 13:11

I think one thing that is tricky is the painful loneliness that comes with having a man like that - someone who crosses boundaries - in the family. Speaking up leads to ostracism from the wider family. This can add to the pain of having been a daughter who had been inappropriately treated as a child.. It's not something my elderly mother or my two brothers wants to discuss. If I had gone no contact, it would have reinforced my reputation as 'the difficult one' in the family.

Which, of course, obviously doesn't mean you sacrifice your child for the sake of familial peace. But it does explain why I went down the route of ensuring that any contact my daughter had with her grandfather was supervised. (He had tried to make it possible for him to take her out without me, and neither I or my husband was having that.)

ThriveAT · 24/03/2025 13:13

This sounds odd. Trust your instincts.

LizzieW1969 · 24/03/2025 13:21

I’m sorry, you really need to cut your GF out of your lives altogether. Your instincts are screaming at you not to trust him and you need to act on them now to protect your DD.

I was your DD’s age when my SA started, by my F and others. My DSis was also abused. The memories were repressed, but I always felt uncomfortable when around him and hated it when he gave me hugs/touched me. Much like you feel around your F. (I’m NOT saying that you necessarily have repressed memories yourself. That’s not for anyone else to say.)

Thankfully, my F died many years ago, so I don’t have to worry about my DDs. But you do need to take action now to protect your DD.

Bumdishcloths · 24/03/2025 13:44

Your father hugging you makes you uncomfortable. Your gut instinct is telling you all you need to know.

I would cut contact entirely. He doesn’t see your children again. If not your daughter, he’ll latch on to one of the others.

You also need to have an age appropriate consent discussion as PPs have said - and if necessary do some research yourself beforehand. She needs to know that she is allowed to say no to physical contact - the fact that you didn’t speak up for her when she was being repeatedly dragged into an old man’s lap is alarming if nothing else.

Chipsahoy · 24/03/2025 13:46

Ugh. This isn’t affectionate, it’s grooming. He is making your daughter his favourite. He is pushing boundaries and making all his touch, the norm for her.
I was my grandads favourite. Before me, my older cousin, before that my mums cousin and before that, my aunt.
He did it for generations.

Intervene. Stop questioning your instincts. Yes ensure your daughter understands that this isn’t ok and make her robust with boundaries but don’t put it on her. It’s up to you to protect her. Keep her away from this man.

jolota · 24/03/2025 13:53

If you intuition is telling you something is wrong then trust it.
I love and trust all the guys in my family but I'm also aware that the most likely source of abuse is from people inside the 'family' group rather than outside it.
If I felt uncomfortable with any of their behaviour I would address it immediately, gently at first, but if they didn't listen/change then I would be more forceful and honestly at my first concern then any time spent unsupervised would be stopped completely.
Based on what you've said, I'd be well past the stage of initial concern and likely intending to limit or stop contact entirely. Honestly, it wouldn't have gotten this far.
If you don't feel comfortable 'accusing' your dad of being inappropriate with your daughter then I would personally go down the route that he isn't respecting her autonomy, she shouldn't be prevented from leaving his lap, you need to support her in person with this.. if you continue to allow contact.. he shouldn't even ask for hugs etc, say he should wait for her to initiate etc

binkie163 · 24/03/2025 14:01

My friends husband is the same with the neighbours child (10 years old) as others have said 'in plain sight' she often only has shorts and vest on, he strokes her arms and legs 🤢 tells her to cuddle him, always on his lap, kiss him, nuzzle her face into his beard 🤮...of course they just say he wants affection but he acts like a lovesick man. He wears one of her plastic rings as if they are married. The parents don't think it's wrong. I have said I think it's disgusting but they say it's innocent, of course it bloody isn't. I no longer speak to them because he is also a coercive, bullying twat.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 24/03/2025 14:05

My mother felt as you do - about one of my uncles (by marriage - not her brother).

She remained careful - supervised and paid attention when he was about. She intervened on our behalf. He was never alone with us children.

There was nothing you could really pick him up on except playing very hands-on games and being a bit rougher with us than other adults. He chose to come and play games with us children rather than staying with the other adults at family parties.

He was always 'lots of fun' - but I didn't like or trust him. Thanks to my Mum - I didn't have to! She always picked up on any reluctance and always supported a 'no' - never making us feel we should be polite and agree to anything.

When I was a young teen he was jailed for what he did to a child (a friend of his own daughter) he had been giving swimming lessons to.

ButThisIsMyHappyFace · 24/03/2025 14:12

The fact that your DH also sees it as weird increases the likelihood that it is SA. If it was just you “projecting” as you say in your post, your DH might say “eh?”. But he doesn’t - he agrees with you. You can’t both be “projecting”! This man is not safe around your DD.

Garliccheeseandabagel · 24/03/2025 14:26

ThinWomansBrain · 24/03/2025 12:49

All the PP comments about speaking age appropriately with your daughter - yes absolutely, but why so few comments about telling your father/parents that his behaviour is completely out of line and not to stop being so touchy/feely (if that's all it is) with her?
Or telling him that you are going no contact and the reason why

Because nobody will want to hear it. You can be NC and everyone winder why and hate you or you can be NC and have a massive row first and everyone go around telling everyone else what a total bitch you are and hating you more.

Telling him anything just means he'll seek to keep the abuse better hidden. It doesn't mean the child won't be at risk of abuse just because he knows her parents are onto him.

Even maintaining contact with someone having told them you suspect they're an abuser gives that abuser the information that there's very little you won't tolerate. If someone is going to tell or infer to someone that they're an abuser, the normal reaction would be to not want to see that abusive person. To continue doing so is telling them you're happy to break down (or fail to erect) your own normal usual sane and ordinary boundaries. It's basically announcing to the abuser that you're weak. How's that ever going to work out well for you?

There's only really three options.
Say nothing to nobody and just exit yourself from the family by going NC leaving them to wonder why.
Carry on like there's nothing wrong, continue to visit alone and make endless excuses why the rest of your nuclear family don't visit any more.
Let everyone know what you think (it will be everyone, the accused will defend themselves to everyone) and go NC.

I expect that with not being believed, because there's no hard evidence, most people couldn't be doing with the row. Children get raped and people still don't believe sometimes. The not being believed can add another layer of trauma too. It can be healthier for the victims sometimes to not to confide in other family members or confront the abuser.

People can't believe can they? If they do, they'll have to act on that knowledge, unless they're in favour of abuse. To carry on as usual like nothing has occurred would be them condoning the abuse (and enabling abuse if they're also providing the abuser with access to victims).

Easier to disbelieve and only lose one relationship, the accuser/victim, then they can all carry on as usual and not have their own extended family relationships/marriage (in the case of the abusers wife) blown apart. If you believed someone who told you your father/uncle/brother/ husband/friend was a paedophile, you'd not be happily going round to the paedophiles home next weekend for Sunday dinner with your DC, would you, and you'd not want to stay married to someone who is a paedophile either. It suits some people not to believe, it's convenient.

HappySheldon · 24/03/2025 15:00

@Garliccheeseandabagel that is one of the best explanations I have ever read.

ETA- no, it's not one of the best explanations. It is THE best explanation I have ever read.