Daughter super jealous of another girl in class

[cheshirecat2913]

Hello.
My DD 14 has struggled with being jealous of other people for a long long time… most recently of a girl in her class. Said girl is good at everything, you know the sort. DD has said to me it’s very difficult because this girl is better than her at everything - she said and I quote ‘she gets better grades than me even when I try, even in my favourite subject; if she surpasses me in my best subject there’s no reason for me to be here, I’m useless, I bring nothing to the table.’ The girl is also good at sports (DD isn’t and hates physical stuff), the girl has a lot of friends and seems to be quite popular (DD doesn’t have any of this) and this girl also apparently has a good home life and self esteem (The girl has a family whereas DD only really has me and is an only child.) DD’s been jealous of this girl since last year and her self esteem is plummeting at astronomically high levels. It’s difficult to watch.
WWYD??
(unsure if this is right place, first time here :-)

Vomiting isn't a particularly common side effect, and there are different types of medication for ADHD anyway.

Taking medication for ADHD drastically benefits the lives of many people, particularly academically. Some people find they are failing in school, but after going under treatment with medication, they end up being top of the class.

You should look into the medication more before ruling it out. It might help with her self-esteem as she will find it significantly easier to focus and do things 'normally'.

Does DD know that school considers her risk to others? How does she feel about that? Is she interested in changing that perception? Or does she agree with it.

OP, see if she might be willing to try medication if she could start with a quarter of a tablet and have an anti sickness pill prescribed that she could take if she did experience any nausea. She probably won’t as, like PP have said, it isn’t a common side effect, but tapering the dose up gradually (as long as the doctor would agree), and having a “safety net” for the risk of nausea might help her to feel able to give it a go.

@Bumpitybumpbumplook She knows. And obviously she doesn’t feel good about it, it’s not the way she wants to be known. She’s interested in changing it but I want her to have a way to vent so something like this doesn’t happen.

The school has effectively said she has the potential to be dangerous.

OP If she was my daughter I’d be insisting on professional intervention.

I feel very sorry for the girl your DD is obsessed with, I have no doubt she is aware of how your DD feels and it must be affecting her mental health too. It’s your job to stop this!

Great article about bearing a grudge. I hope it helps.

Leave the hurt behind! How to let go of a grudge https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/mar/26/leave-the-hurt-behind-how-to-let-go-of-a-grudge

This!

It sounds like you both need therapy to be honest. You keep contradicting yourself in almost every post.

No social media. She has this girl blocked everywhere

I’m starting to think people are just wasting their time commenting on this thread because OP is completely in denial of the serious risk that her DD can pose to this girl and keeps minimising her horrendous attitude.

@PixieTales I am reading every comment and taking it seriously. By 'no social media' i meant none she actively heavily uses. I apologise for being unclear.

Get DD to volunteer somewhere where people have it a lot worse/aren't as good/talented/gifted as she is (helping kids with reading for example) so that she can spend some time helping other people gain more confidence. If she helps bring other people up, her self confidence will improve also.

Your use of the word ‘just’ here has me very worried.

Your daughter needs proper help. Medical and professional support.

I wouldn’t care if she doesn’t like her counsellor and doesn’t like taking meds. She needs them.

@Sleepington OP can’t force her daughter to take meds.

My DC doesn’t like taking tablets but when she needs them she has to take them. I use a pestle and mortar to put the powdered parts into a smoothie. She can also see if it comes in a liquid form.

She’s the parent and she is minimising a serious situation.

@cheshirecat2913 As a parent of a child with autism and adhd you would be well aware of how people with autism can have rigid thinking. And this can make it very difficult to help your daughter to alter her perspective on this and see this issue from a different perspective. To stop being jealous of this girl your daughter needs to stop comparing herself to this girl, to accept that it is ok for this girl to enjoy her own success and to accept that other people are allowed to talk about this girl in a positive way. At the same time she needs to change her belief that she can’t help but be jealous (powerless to stop feeling jealous) to a belief that she can stop feeling jealous (empowered to regain self governance) by making some changes in her thinking. That she can stop fixating on this girl and focus her attention on her own journey.

Encourage her to compare herself with herself instead of comparing herself to other people. For example look at areas of self improvement. Every time we get better at something we are a winner. Celebrate personal victories.

But, this is easier said than done, especially with the added difficulty of rigid thinking.

My only advice is to keep redirecting her away from fixating on this girl and focusing on other positive aspects of her school day. Anytime she says she can’t help feeling jealous counteract that with: “Well actually yes you can. It will take effort and perseverance but I believe that you can.”

And one last thing. Maybe some of this jealousy is more about wishing that people would recognise and acknowledge her accomplishments too. So, as much as you can try to notice and acknowledge her achievements to fulfil that need to be recognised.

As for medication for adhd, that is between you, your daughter and her paediatrician. They do have side effects and are not useful or suitable for everyone. There are different types of medication for ADHD and your daughter’s paediatrician is best qualified to advise you on perhaps trying a different medication and monitoring it’s effectiveness and whether or not it’s working for your daughter.

Due to her ASD and ADHD are you by chance letting her make excuses for herself? She needs to get the message that life isn't inevitable - if she wants change for herself she has to drive it - and the best way to do this is via team sports / making her try activities she isn't good at until she succeeds.

Tell her to try to be the kindest girl in every room not the most beautiful not the cleverest not the richest

The #BeKind movement has had its day and is usually just something told to girls, not boys, and makes them much more likely to accept abuse and bullying and suck it up in case their not seen as being 'kind'. So I wouldn't do this OP but hopefully you've had a word with her about how everyone is different and deserve to be her friend.