Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter super jealous of another girl in class

392 replies

cheshirecat2913 · 23/03/2025 08:11

Hello.
My DD 14 has struggled with being jealous of other people for a long long time… most recently of a girl in her class. Said girl is good at everything, you know the sort. DD has said to me it’s very difficult because this girl is better than her at everything - she said and I quote ‘she gets better grades than me even when I try, even in my favourite subject; if she surpasses me in my best subject there’s no reason for me to be here, I’m useless, I bring nothing to the table.’ The girl is also good at sports (DD isn’t and hates physical stuff), the girl has a lot of friends and seems to be quite popular (DD doesn’t have any of this) and this girl also apparently has a good home life and self esteem (The girl has a family whereas DD only really has me and is an only child.) DD’s been jealous of this girl since last year and her self esteem is plummeting at astronomically high levels. It’s difficult to watch.
WWYD??
(unsure if this is right place, first time here :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
cheshirecat2913 · 23/03/2025 10:07

@frozendaisy Yeah, it’s not anything bad, not heavily invested in social media but she plays a lot of games and likes to detach from reality.

OP posts:
Neemie · 23/03/2025 10:11

cheshirecat2913 · 23/03/2025 09:55

@Bruisername She’s ok with people who she thinks aren’t better than her. This specific person, however, she feels she needs to ‘defeat’ (?) in order to feel good.

This is incredibly negative. Other girls will pick up on the fact she only wants to be friends with them if they are doing worse than her in academics, personality or looks and they really won’t like her for it.

I would encourage her to develop interests outside school.

Thisissuss · 23/03/2025 10:12

Tbh I've done this before and used this as an excuse. It's a cop out because things feel hard. Resilience is something it sounds like she could focus on.

Agree with pp she will find someone else better than her at everything throughout life, so she needs to stop looking at others and keep to her own goals. The very first post mirrors my experience - the high flyers at school peaked at Uni. Mid level were the workers who stuck doggedly at stuff and triumphed in the end with better jobs and niche skills they just kept plodding along with. If all the mid level players had given up because they weren't in the top set at school society would have a problem.

PerkyGreenCat · 23/03/2025 10:12

I think the key is to focus on building her life up outside of school. Can she join a club outside of school? Air Cadets, drama, choir, dance, martial arts? Take language classes in a language that isn't studied at school? She needs something to do outside of school where no one from her school will be. She needs to know that school is just one part of her identity and just because she's "average" at school, doesn't mean she's average at everything.

madamweb · 23/03/2025 10:13

cheshirecat2913 · 23/03/2025 09:25

@minipie Concern to others just means that the school thinks DD might act out of impulse because of her envy and therefore pose a risk to others. It’s silly, I know.

It's not silly at all, I was very bright (school was easy) and from a wealthy family (we didn't buy much stuff in terms of material things but I couldn't hide the fact I lived in the biggest house in the village etc)

I was attacked on various occasions and my mum always said she thought it was envy. I moved schools in the end to a private school

Your daughter needs counselling quite badly I think, she isn't in a healthy thought pattern. My daughter has dyslexia and has to work incredibly hard to get ok grades, despite being very bright. She knows the resilience she gets from working hard will be useful. She also has hobbies outside school that she loves,.so school isn't her whole world. I think this helps her not envy others who find spelling etc easy as she knows she has other things she is great at. What does your daughter do outside school?

Original poster
cheshirecat2913 · 23/03/2025 10:13

@PerkyGreenCat That’s the thing, she’s actually very good at school and extremely academic, it’s just this one person that seems to be hindering her view of herself.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 23/03/2025 10:14

Are you jealous OP?

madamweb · 23/03/2025 10:14

Thisissuss · 23/03/2025 10:12

Tbh I've done this before and used this as an excuse. It's a cop out because things feel hard. Resilience is something it sounds like she could focus on.

Agree with pp she will find someone else better than her at everything throughout life, so she needs to stop looking at others and keep to her own goals. The very first post mirrors my experience - the high flyers at school peaked at Uni. Mid level were the workers who stuck doggedly at stuff and triumphed in the end with better jobs and niche skills they just kept plodding along with. If all the mid level players had given up because they weren't in the top set at school society would have a problem.

Totally agree with this as a highflier. Or rather, I learnt the lesson after school and realised I had to discover resilience and doggedness to succeed. But I never learnt those things at school/uni so I could coast and get top grades.

Original poster
cheshirecat2913 · 23/03/2025 10:14

@madamweb She takes a drama class.

OP posts:
PixieTales · 23/03/2025 10:14

I also don’t think the school saying she’s a concern to others is ‘silly’ - She has developed an unhealthy obsession with this girl and now wants to ‘defeat’ her. That sounds very concerning!

Thisissuss · 23/03/2025 10:15

cheshirecat2913 · 23/03/2025 09:55

@Bruisername She’s ok with people who she thinks aren’t better than her. This specific person, however, she feels she needs to ‘defeat’ (?) in order to feel good.

I think you need to discuss what makes a good friend again, go back to basics. Friends can be for life if you chose them wisely and give back what you expect. Maybe this where the comparison stems from; her feeling no one likes her for who she is because she doesn't have a strong self worth or interests of her own.

Original poster
cheshirecat2913 · 23/03/2025 10:15

@frozendaisy ? What do you mean by this?

OP posts:
AlmosttimeforChristmas · 23/03/2025 10:17

I don’t know how old your daughter is but please please don’t let her near social media. She could end up utterly fixated on comparing herself to others’ fictitious dream lives and end up even more u happy than she is now. Sorry I’ve not addressed the current issue but there’s good advice on here already so I’m just thinking ahead to what other problems could arise that might be avoided. As others say, your daughter is using this girl as a stick to beat herself with instead of focussing on herself and what she enjoys

AffIt · 23/03/2025 10:18

cheshirecat2913 · 23/03/2025 10:13

@PerkyGreenCat That’s the thing, she’s actually very good at school and extremely academic, it’s just this one person that seems to be hindering her view of herself.

But it's not 'this one person' that's hindering your daughter's view of herself: it's herself, and herself alone. This other girl is just collateral damage, as it were, and if it wasn't her, it would be somebody or something else.

That's why, as PPs have said, it's so important to change her mindset at source, so that she can grow and evolve. Envy and jealousy are ugly, destructive emotions and can lead to lifelong bitterness and negativity.

If I were you, I would invest as much as I could afford in private therapy to try to help your daughter through this: I think you need a professional's help on this one.

frozendaisy · 23/03/2025 10:19

cheshirecat2913 · 23/03/2025 10:15

@frozendaisy ? What do you mean by this?

I mean do you show signs of jealousy towards others? Or even just subconscious, “well they must have more money than us to have that nice car” - all perfectly natural but it might just be worth noticing what you say if anything, even about you know celebrities and such like. Or not even jealously just comparison “we could all have a body like that if we had their time and money”

That sort of thing.

Original poster
cheshirecat2913 · 23/03/2025 10:20

@AffIt We’ve tried all kinds of professional help but DD won’t participate or care very much.

OP posts:
ConsuelaHammock · 23/03/2025 10:21

Your daughter needs help. I’d take her to the gp. Her obsession with this girl isn’t normal. What if she hurts her ?
How often does she talk about this girl? It sounds like she focuses on her a lot. Do you engage with her in this conversation or shut them down and tell her to work on herself? It sounds like she has too much time on her hands, give her more responsibility around the home. Cooking dinner and doing chores. She won’t have time to muse about someone else’s life.

pizzaHeart · 23/03/2025 10:21

cheshirecat2913 · 23/03/2025 09:25

@minipie Concern to others just means that the school thinks DD might act out of impulse because of her envy and therefore pose a risk to others. It’s silly, I know.

I think it sounds pretty serious, OP.
A lot of teenager girls are struggling with their confidence but this is quite a higher level.

Bruisername · 23/03/2025 10:21

cheshirecat2913 · 23/03/2025 10:13

@PerkyGreenCat That’s the thing, she’s actually very good at school and extremely academic, it’s just this one person that seems to be hindering her view of herself.

The problem is that her self esteem is tied up in being ‘clever’ and the best and that’s what you need to work on.

as a pp said, university is when this can all come crashing down and she really needs that resilience and understanding well before then

being academic at school is meaningless in the real world. That’s why I suggest you focus on where she wants to be as an adult

my dd (similar age) isn’t particularly academic but has incredible soft skills (total opposite of me!). She has an idea of what she wants to do as an adult and she’s mapped out how to get there and what she needs to work for in her exams to achieve that

I’d also say that the least popular kids in her year are the clever kids who are always comparing their grades (so they can show off) or getting upset because they only got 95%. So when you say she doesn’t make friends easily - maybe she should consider how she makes others feel and reflect on that

madamweb · 23/03/2025 10:22

cheshirecat2913 · 23/03/2025 10:14

@madamweb She takes a drama class.

Does she enjoy it? Could she get into am dram and do performing? The feeling of being part of a show is second to none. I chaperone for my daughter's shows now and it's brought her closer together and her show family feel like family

Or do lamda qualifications? My daughter gets such a buzz from doing these.

Or could she take up dance as well? My daughter's dance school does teen dance classes for teens who want to take up dance and it goes well with performing?

Or singing lessons /a choir. Again, singing is so good for wellbeing and goes well with performing

Titasaducksarse · 23/03/2025 10:22

I would definitely see if your daughter would engage in counselling as otherwise this will follow her through to adulthood.
Does your daughter identify that she is jealous ie is self aware of her feelings or does she focus on 'that girl who is better than me'?

ConsuelaHammock · 23/03/2025 10:22

cheshirecat2913 · 23/03/2025 10:20

@AffIt We’ve tried all kinds of professional help but DD won’t participate or care very much.

Move schools ? She sounds mentally unwell.

LochKatrine · 23/03/2025 10:24

cheshirecat2913 · 23/03/2025 08:49

@Sassybooklover We’ve met with pastoral so many times. They just list my daughter off as a ‘concern to others’ and don’t do anything about it.

What would you like them to do about it?

YouveGotAFastCar · 23/03/2025 10:25

cheshirecat2913 · 23/03/2025 09:55

@Bruisername She’s ok with people who she thinks aren’t better than her. This specific person, however, she feels she needs to ‘defeat’ (?) in order to feel good.

That’s really, really concerning.

She needs help. Her self esteem is rock bottom, and she can’t cope with anyone being “better” than her. She wants to “defeat” the person she perceives to be. School already consider her a risk to others; and you’re downplaying it as silly.

This is serious.

madamweb · 23/03/2025 10:26

cheshirecat2913 · 23/03/2025 10:13

@PerkyGreenCat That’s the thing, she’s actually very good at school and extremely academic, it’s just this one person that seems to be hindering her view of herself.

All the more reason for her to build a life outside school and outside of just being academic

(And I say that as an academic high flier who is the mum of a ln academic high flier and a child with SEN, both of them benefit from hobbies)

Swipe left for the next trending thread