Daughter super jealous of another girl in class

[cheshirecat2913]

Hello.
My DD 14 has struggled with being jealous of other people for a long long time… most recently of a girl in her class. Said girl is good at everything, you know the sort. DD has said to me it’s very difficult because this girl is better than her at everything - she said and I quote ‘she gets better grades than me even when I try, even in my favourite subject; if she surpasses me in my best subject there’s no reason for me to be here, I’m useless, I bring nothing to the table.’ The girl is also good at sports (DD isn’t and hates physical stuff), the girl has a lot of friends and seems to be quite popular (DD doesn’t have any of this) and this girl also apparently has a good home life and self esteem (The girl has a family whereas DD only really has me and is an only child.) DD’s been jealous of this girl since last year and her self esteem is plummeting at astronomically high levels. It’s difficult to watch.
WWYD??
(unsure if this is right place, first time here :-)

@Franjipanl8r No social media. She has this girl blocked everywhere. As for @verysmellyjelly, she’s quite an outcast and her style isn’t ‘clean’ or like everyone else, it’s more scene/emo/anything 2000s and she isn’t a fan of a ‘put together’ life. She’s her own person and knows who she is as well as what she wants. I’ll look into letting her control more of her life, thank you

That totally makes sense, OP. It sounds like she feels a need to define herself against the others. I have some understanding of that… similarly, I dressed and presented myself very differently to the norm among my peers when I was your DD’s age. It didn’t mean I felt no envy of them, even though I at the same time, on one level, disliked their style and found it basic… Not sure if that makes sense! My feelings were quite complicated. I took pride in being different and “special” but it also meant I stood out in a bad way to some extent.

I’m not saying that’s exactly the same as your DD, of course, but some of what you mention made me think of it. I really hope things improve for you both. Some of the responses on this thread made me quite sad as they were so critical of her and don’t show much empathy.

I’d rather not teach DD to anticipate this other girl’s downfall and assume that she has issues with her home life, as some of these comments have stated.

I think that’s really wise, OP.

As pp have said, it’s the wrong device as it reinforces competition and suggests that the failure of the other child is a desired outcome. It’s doubling down on the unhelpful mindset.

So does your dd not have social media or does she have social media and has blocked the girl everywhere. If she has social media and has blocked the girl, the other girls in their peer group will pick up on your dd's behaviour and it will be gossiped about endlessly. It's a minefield. You say your dd has a more alternative style, does she have friends who do too? Everything is easier with a friend or 2 who like you for who you are.

@MoanasMusic She does have social media and the girl blocked but rarely goes on it. She has basically no friends.

Also she does have the girl blocked but doesn’t interact with her peer group online ie doesn’t follow anyone else etc and uses the internet for external reasons

Sport is fantastic for building general resilience and inner confidence

Or help your DD to find something else she's good at

As we go through life, there will always be people who are richer / more attractive / doing better in careers etc. It takes self confidence and maturity to feel OK about that

I think it’s an important life skill, in fact.

Just make sure your DD doesn’t join a sports club that the girl she is jealous of , belongs to…..

Tbh your DD needs professional help. You have been told as much by the school. It’s way past trying to manage yourself.

@cheshirecat2913 I haven't had a chance to read the whole thread so it may have been mentioned before. On another thread I was recommended "hidden potential" by Adam Grant and it sounds like it could inspire your daughter. The author talks about how many people who go on to achieve amazing things are seen as pretty average but it's work ethic and adaptability that really matter.

I'm sorry you and she are going through this. I just came to say being an only child is not a bad/negative thing. Hugs. xxx

Yeah…. Like is the girl bullying your daughter? The OP post hasn’t been made very clear.

That sounds really difficult and surely must contribute to her feelings. Are there no slightly alternative like minded girls at her school? What about boys? It comes cross as if the girl your dd is obsessing about is the polar opposite of your dd. Maybe your dd doesn't want to be emo and maybe she would like to have a 'clean' fashion sense but is doing the opposite for fear of never being to get it quite right. How old is your dd? Is she mostly through puberty? If not, it's likely things will settle down when she is. She could consider going to a new 6th form and reinvent herself if sh egress the right mental health support.

No the girl isn't doing anything like that she is winding OP's dd up purely by existing, being talented and popular.

@MoanasMusic DD isn’t envious of the girl’s style, she feels really comfortable in her own style + this is an all girls school.

That's positive. And are there no other emo /alternative girls? Any clubs where she could find like minded girls at school? What's her favourite subject or hobby? She should be very proud of the fact that she likes her own style especially if it's isn't mainstream. I hope she will realise soon that she can be happy with who she is and how she is as an individual. Accept herself not just in terms of style but ability and opportunity. Will she be going to 6th form anytime soon?

Yeah I thought this was the case.

You need to take your DD away on a mine mum and daughter day, take her out and spend time with her doing nice things. While away have a chat and tell her to look around her, everyone is different and everyone has hidden talents, it might be sports for the other girl it might be be the ability to sit and read a book with no distractions….. honestly she needs to learn the world is a big place and there is so much more to it then being jealous of other people. Jealousy is a very nasty trait.

Are you a negative person about people?

Thought she didn't interact with the other girl so why does she need to have her blocked?

This isn't simple jealousy. It's obsession.

Interestingly enough I heard a mother of a Neurodivergent teen having a conversation with his daughter the other day actively encouraging jealousy towards another child and telling them that the child needed their head kicking in because the child thought they were popular. I found that really sad and it's no wonder the child has mental health issues.

Are there any clubs or hobbies you can encourage where she might be able to find her tribe? It might take the focus off of her scrutinising others if she can find her kind of people. Something she can be good at and build self confidence and an identity.

Just keep stressing that it's not about being the best but doing your best. Yes it is frustrating not to win but knowing you feel tried your hardest is the best achievement.