Daughter super jealous of another girl in class

[cheshirecat2913]

Hello.
My DD 14 has struggled with being jealous of other people for a long long time… most recently of a girl in her class. Said girl is good at everything, you know the sort. DD has said to me it’s very difficult because this girl is better than her at everything - she said and I quote ‘she gets better grades than me even when I try, even in my favourite subject; if she surpasses me in my best subject there’s no reason for me to be here, I’m useless, I bring nothing to the table.’ The girl is also good at sports (DD isn’t and hates physical stuff), the girl has a lot of friends and seems to be quite popular (DD doesn’t have any of this) and this girl also apparently has a good home life and self esteem (The girl has a family whereas DD only really has me and is an only child.) DD’s been jealous of this girl since last year and her self esteem is plummeting at astronomically high levels. It’s difficult to watch.
WWYD??
(unsure if this is right place, first time here :-)

Parents may be more involved with a ND teenager sometimes, it doesn’t mean she isn’t bright enough for the school. My parents “helped” me at times in the sense of supporting me and scaffolding, which I definitely appreciated as I would tend to panic and lose focus or go down a side alley! But I definitely had the academic strength to achieve at the highest level, and proved it with exam results, uni entrance, further achievements at uni, etc. It’s the relative immaturity of the ND teen that can lead to more support from a parent.

I think it’s not jealousy - it’s envy, this girl has the ‘life’ that Dd would,as it looks on the outside really want.
Envy can be turned into a really good motivator - you can’t always be the BEST at something but you can always be your personal best, the qualities your daughter admires in this girl can switched to her own desires.
self belief,self love and self esteem are brilliant attributes and it seems your dd needs a massive boost to these - and as shallow as it appears to us adults you can boost these up with material things - so, over the next few months slowly and secretly indulge her and encourage her, maybe take her for a hair cut, get her brows shaped give her a pedicure …. Help her look her best.
Find a hobby that she will enjoy, maybe join a youth club or a class to make friends outside of that envy situation - where your dd is ‘new’ and effectively a fresh start, praise her a lot (but not falsely).

A few years ago a friend I knew from school approached me at my sons school where her daughter also attended and told me her daughter was having a difficult time and when she spoke to her,the little girl had said how sad she felt at having no friends and things - my friend asked me if I would speak to her because at school I struggled too I was the poor scruffy kid who no one really cared about, I never had the trendy stuff or was popular- certainly no boys in my year fancied me.
I spoke to the lovely little girl and she couldn’t believe it - because I’m so very different now, that was MY hard time and it won’t always be like that- now I’m older and I still speak to lots of people from school who weren’t really friendly with me at school but we’ve all kind of grown into each other.
I also now volunteer as a mentor and my mentee has literally blossomed with the encouragement and you know the self belief I pour into her x

As parent, you might want to research options and side effects. Her excuse is not quite good enough because she has not actually tried it, and then vomited.

There are several different medications, and doses and types of tablets.

She could try them while on break from school so doesn’t vomit in front of peers …. If she in fact, vomits.

My DD was the same. She had few friends, was always very awkward socially etc. She’s in her mid 20s now, just about to finish an undergrad degree and has really started to come into her own now.

She still doesn’t have many friends but the ones she has make up for the lack of numbers. Maybe try and help her to find something she can do outside of school that will give her different opportunities to the other girl? Guides/scouts/creative writing/film making/drama classes/boxing etc are all great places to do things which are a bit different and can help with someone’s self esteem.

Good luck, I know it’s awful to watch them struggle like this but she’ll find her people and place in the world eventually

Not quite good enough? 😕

Surely we teach our teenagers autonomy, and that they're in control of what goes in their body. As an autistic teen, the OP's DD is likely to have particular issues with feeling out of control - it's extremely common for ND people.

Fear of vomiting is a perfectly understandable reason. There's plenty of adults who are terrified of vomiting too.

As it happens, I get REALLY anxious about taking new medication - once it's in you, there's no escaping whatever is going to occur, and that's not a very nice thought if you happen to have a bad reaction to the medication.

Many ADHD drugs are pretty potent which is why they can't be easily prescribed and side effects aren't uncommon. I completely agree that it's a great idea to explore alternatives and to try and find a way that could help the OP's DD give them a try, as they often are life-changing. But I don't think dismissing her concerns is the right way forward.

You should say “Ah yes but this girl isn’t developing resilience through adversity. The day will come possibly when she fails or something goes wrong in her life and she might well crumble- you however are building character and perseverance. I am especially proud of you for this”. In other words, give the situation a positive spin.

@Bumpitybumpbumplook She has a massive fear of vomiting. I don’t want to pressurise her into anything. As PP said, i’d rather not force it.

See if she can’t speak with people who take them

tbh my dd finds them to be a sticking plaster more than anything else and the side effects of the first she was on were dreadful so I wouldn’t rush to them before trying other things given her resistance

Hi OP,

I have nurtured my own daughter through much the same concerns and feelings.

Young Minds is an excellent resource. Please check out their website.

Praise her for confiding in you. Reassure her that you see her, hear her, and will do your best to understand her. Let her know that you will always be there to listen to her, and she can tell you anything, anytime.

I found this on the web and it seems very helpful.

"Model and encourage self-compassion. Be kind to yourself.
Teens learn by observing, so model self-compassion by treating yourself with kindness and understanding, even when facing challenges.

Validate her emotions. Encourage her to pause and validate her emotions to stop engaging in negative self-talk.

Practice self-care by encouraging healthy habits like exercise, good nutrition, and sufficient sleep, as these can positively impact mood and self-esteem.

Help her view challenges as opportunities for growth and learning, rather than as failures.
Praise effort and perseverance rather than solely focusing on outcomes. Encourage journaling as a way to explore thoughts and feelings, fostering self-awareness and self-acceptance.

Help your teen set achievable goals, both academically and personally. Encourage breaking down larger goals into smaller, manageable steps. Acknowledge and celebrate her successes, and milestones, reinforcing her sense of accomplishment.

Foster positive self-talk and affirmations. Encourage her to practice positive self-talk and affirmations. Help her identify and acknowledge her strengths and positive qualities. Challenge negative thoughts. Help her recognize and challenge negative self-talk.

Encourage hobbies and extracurricular activities to explore her interests and passions.
Participating in activities can help teens develop new skills and build confidence. Extracurricular activities can foster a sense of belonging and community.

Promote assertiveness and teach her those skills. Get her to learn to express her needs and opinions respectfully, while also respecting the needs of others. Assertiveness can help her feel empowered and it builds self-esteem. It can help teens establish and maintain healthy boundaries in their relationships."

Teach her that she is worthy just as she is. Look at the website of Jamie Kern Lima, the author of a book called Worthy. She does podcasts too.

Help her to notice that comparing herself to anyone else is unhealthy and detrimental to herself. She needs to be her own best friend.

I hope all this helps, because I know how painful parenting in these situations is. You've got this Mama!

It’s unfortunately your job as a mother to guide your daughter, yous message has focused on the ‘other girl’ a lot. Which leads me to think you sound a bit jealous too…..’ has a family, is good at everything…..’ bla bla…. That’s absolutely irrelevant. Find something your daughter loves doing, and encourage her to find her own happiness in hobbies and things. You also need to teach your daughter everyone is different. Can I ask does she have social media??? If so take it off her…. It is not good for young kids.

Does she use a lot of social media? Is she looking at this girl online?

It's quite normal to feel envious of high achievers, particularly for teens when lots of things they participate in are competitive.

Clearly it's more complex than this (given your daughter's diagnoses), but it might be worth telling her @cheshirecat2913 that most people feel envy at one point or another (and the feelings can be quite intense). It's perfectly normal. If she's been beating herself as some sort of awful outlier, and for a prolonged period, then her self esteem will be on the ropes.

It’s a really odd assumption that a child who is successful and appears “blessed” is not learning resilience through adversity. At the very least she is having to deal with being the lightning rod for others’ insecurities. It is likely that there is some effort involved in performing successfully and no one knows what the impact of being talked about is on her or anything else she may be experiencing in her life. It’s not a helpful mindset imho

Its great that your daughter has been open with you. qther than let this fester.
In this life there may always be someone 'better' at everything.. what's important is your trust in your own value to anything.. respecting your own mind and opinions and process.. to work on your own self-esteem.
Perhaps private tutoring in subjects/ activities she enjoys would boost her abilities and confidence?
Saying that some people are built got sports.some for mathematics. Some are creative, and some are less so
What are your daughters' true strengths.. is she kind or brave, etc... Would she gain self-respect supporting groups out of school?
This is quite a hard one and is to a point a hard life lesson that will only be learnt when she begins to truly value herself.

Yes, I struggle to see how this is a ‘positive spin’ at all. It makes some pretty questionable assumptions about the girl and also essentially entrenches the idea that her ‘failure’ is an outcome to be desired. The solution to this rests in moving away from comparison altogether so that OP’s daughter can learn to derive her personal value from self improvement at least as much as competition. At the moment she’s basing her value too little on the former and far too much on the latter.

It’s just a device to help Dd deal with her own feelings for goodness sake !!

My kid went to school with a girl like this. They were never jealous but sometimes vented that it was difficult because she was super-nice as well.

I was recently at a party and mentioned this to the girl's Mum (it's been over five years since they went to school together!). The Mum refreshingly turned around and said, "I know, she annoys us too sometimes!" And burst out laughing.

Your DD needs to learn that some people seem to lead a gilded life and there's nothing you can do about it. I remember one year someone busting a gut to try and be top in Geography. I didn't pay any attention in class that year but still ended up top. I was top in every subject that year. I felt truly terrible because I wouldn't have cared about being bottom and it really meant something to him so I do understand how she feels. When I changed schools for A-level I suddenly wasn't top anymore and I had to learn that you need to focus on being the best you can be as you.

It's difficult with ND because you want to be perfect but it's important to realise you can't be perfect at everything. And as my DS said... "it's difficult being special but not special". It's really tricky being ND but just average at things. People expect you to be a genius and maybe academically you're just average at things. The problem is with the ND brain, you are intelligent enough to be dissatisfied with being average.

You need to focus on why she's funny, and clever and talented and stop letting her compare herself to others.

Another thought, OP… I don’t know if you’re familiar with the concept of “that girl”? It’s a social media thing, mainly TikTok. Even if your DD doesn’t use much social media, she may have become familiar with this idea through school and others talking about it. It basically means, to sum it up imperfectly, the girl who just has “it”, the girl who is “together”, the girl people want to be, the girl who turns heads (not necessarily because she is the most stunningly beautiful), the girl whose life is going right, and various other nebulous ideas like that all at once. It’s such a thing on TikTok that I’d say girls in your DD’s school are bound to be familiar with it.

I’m definitely not saying this is the origin of how she feels, but I wonder if it could be an additional contributing factor. It encourages girls to look at one particular girl as aspirational and “ideal”. No surprise that tiktokers like it because it feeds influencer culture (which makes money for them). But for young girls it of course encourages envy rather than healthier understanding of their peers.

I think many people on this thread would be horrified by my next suggestion but one option (alongside continuing to look into professional support for DD) might be concretely exploring ways to better her situation. I mean for example, anything she doesn’t like about her life aside from this girl, that is fixable, can you fix it? Does she like her room? Would she like it to be redone to be more grown up? Does she want braces to get perfect teeth? Does she have good skin? Does she have the clothes she wants? I understand most people might see this as rewarding her for bad behaviour, but I don’t mean it like that. I see it more as allowing her to have facets of her life that she does feel in control of and feels good about.

She needs to to go out and touch grass. All very dramatic. Maybe it is time for her to start some volunterring work, maybe it special needs achools etc and get a taste of life and real life issues. Maybe charity work and community youth work so she can appreciate her position in life is much better then a lot of others.

At home as a family you need to work on building her self-esteem

Is the girl actually doing anything wrong, other than being good at things?
I don't think that is thr same as rubbing it in your daughters face.

This in absolute spades !!

I'd suggest you find her something else she can do outside school, if possible - something that she can fit into at age 14 (scouts? guides? youth club? an art club? something local she can volunteer at like a boat lace or dog shelter? a language conversation class to support her school language? a part time job doing something that she enjoys at least a bit?) so this school situation isn't her only focus and might not feel so overwhelming to her, and so she can meet new people. I suppose also reminding her that there is always someone like that in any scenario and, you could ask her to think about other people in the class and reassure her that everybody around her isn't perfect. If she's talking to you about it rather than keeping it to herself, that's one good thing, but it will probably take a lot of careful, separate interventions to help her to feel happier. I would also try just spending time with her and trying to slip in quiet compliments when she is particularly observant or thoughtful or clever. I really hope she starts to feel better about herself soon.

She seems to be getting alot of attention by displaying this behaviour , maybe direct her attention to something else, talk about other things, as soon as she starts the conversation!!

This is the comment that I was looking for.
The jealous spirit needs to be nipped in the bud. However, I am not sure that the home environment is conjusive to that.
And yes, I would say "jealous" rather than "envious" due to the OP's daughter being obssessed with the one girl and not being motivated to improve her outcomes in any way.

I only hope that the other girl has no inkling about a girl that the school feels is a danger to others and the OP's minimisation of that.