Daughter super jealous of another girl in class

[cheshirecat2913]

Hello.
My DD 14 has struggled with being jealous of other people for a long long time… most recently of a girl in her class. Said girl is good at everything, you know the sort. DD has said to me it’s very difficult because this girl is better than her at everything - she said and I quote ‘she gets better grades than me even when I try, even in my favourite subject; if she surpasses me in my best subject there’s no reason for me to be here, I’m useless, I bring nothing to the table.’ The girl is also good at sports (DD isn’t and hates physical stuff), the girl has a lot of friends and seems to be quite popular (DD doesn’t have any of this) and this girl also apparently has a good home life and self esteem (The girl has a family whereas DD only really has me and is an only child.) DD’s been jealous of this girl since last year and her self esteem is plummeting at astronomically high levels. It’s difficult to watch.
WWYD??
(unsure if this is right place, first time here :-)

I’m so sorry, that sounds tough. You can let your daughter know I was an outstanding student, popular with the cool people, and extremely beautiful. I am now middle of the middle in everything. Those I know with the greatest success were average at school and have blossomed in adulthood x

I can see where you’re coming from, but a word of warning about this from a tutor. It sounds like OP’s daughter can be quite oppositional (e.g. saying her counsellor can’t do her job properly, resisting the process). Like counselling, tutoring won’t work if she takes that attitude, and the tutor is unlikely to put up with it. There’s a lot of work out there so tutors don’t have to take jobs where they’re spending more time on discipline than teaching.

She feels jealous because she is holding herself up to others that she perceives as better. That's not a battle she is going to win. Whenever you compare yourself to someone else (when your confidence is low) you only see the best in them and the worst in yourself. It's really hard but she needs to accept who she is and be happy in that. When you are no longer negatively comparing yourself to others you begin to see what your true strengths are. Also 14 is the age of prime insecurity for girls which won't help.

Would she be surprised to learn that miss perfect has adhd and takes her meds?

@Bumpitybumpbumplook She’s afraid to take meds because apparently (as an NT parent I had no idea about this) they cause vomiting sometimes. I really really want her to try to take them but I don’t want to force her at all.

An old boss of mine gave me some sage advice years ago 'make it your business to get on with people, even if you don't particularly like them. It will make your life a hell of a lot easier'

At the time I thought it was a stupid comment. 25 years later I realise just how important it was. I tell it to my son regularly.

Of course no one is saying make friends with people you don't get on with but in some situations - work, school etc it's important to just try and get on with people.

Maybe teach it to your daughter. Tolerance instead of jealousy and bitterness. but we learn what we see every day. does see you being bitter and jealous and calling people.

She could be a lesbian with a massive crush it might not even be jealousy. Also ‘concern to others’ is abit deep.

There have been some studies about children who are nice to other children - try to get on with everyone regardless

they were eventually the more popular children

what you give out you get back

Is your daughter planning to be a bully? If so, nip it in the bud.

@OotaAithua She isn’t bullying this girl. She hardly even interacts with her.

On the medication- could she join a group for adhd kids

my dd takes meds and the big issue we have is appetite suppression and I’ve never heard of vomiting (and she’s never had it)

dd does benefit from speaking to others with adhd as it makes her feel more ‘normal’

You’ve had some tough comments on this thread op.

Well done for keeping your cool on here in your quest to help your DD.

I think you need the support of some professional help with her. It’s a lot to deal with when she has diagnoses but isn’t accepting the school support or the meds.

Good.

@cheshirecat2913 I knew your DD was going to be ND, it stood out a mile from your description of low self-esteem and her fixation with this girl.

Teen years are bloody hard for anyone but they can be excruciating for ND teens. Self-harm and self-esteem issues are sadly really common so it's good that you've got a heads-up on this.

Your DD sounds fixated on this girl and her achievements, and she also sounds quite demand-avoidant, plus the usual black-and-white thinking.

As an autistic/ADHD woman myself, I know if I believe a professional (in any industry) isn't up to scratch, then I'm not willing to waste my time. That sounds a lot like your daughter.

The problem is that many of us ND folk tend to make up our minds quite firmly, and it's difficult to change it. When you throw in the immaturity of the teen years and the typical teen belief that they know more than the adults, it's a tricky combination.

Allowing your child to feel as if they are in control can be useful. Could you come up with a list of private counsellors/pschologists with experience in autism/ADHD and asking your DD to pick one? Standard CBT often is of limited use with ND folk, so experience with neurodivergence is vital. I have heard that DBT can help but I don't know much about it.

ND can sometimes create an all or nothing mentality, where if you can't be the absolute best, it can feel like it's not worth the effort. That's not a healthy mindset but it can often be the default.

Sometimes it's because ND people spend their lives feeling like an imposter, an outsider, and not quite as good as everyone else. So when someone is CLEARLY much better than you, especially in areas you're passionate about, it can be yet more "proof" that you're just not good enough.

Self esteem is at the core of this issue. Ideally you'd remove your DD from any environment with this girl because distraction can be key. But it doesn't sound as if you have that option?

Does your DD have access to fellow ND teens? Joining a group might be really helpful.

Also, have you considered what kind of language you use about yourself? Are you critical of yourself? Do you celebrate your own victories and uniqueness? Our DC often pick up attitudes from us, and having the attitude that actually you're pretty magnificent can help her to absorb the message. It's hard to describe in writing, it's not about being arrogant, it's about loving yourself for who you are, and celebrating your own uniqueness.

Directing your DD's gaze to a new fixation might be the answer while simultaneously boosting her self-esteem. Can you think of any ways that you can do this that would be meaningful to her? If she's obsessing/uber-fixated on a shiny new subject, she might be less interested in beating this other girl.

My DC is an all rounder type of kid - she is good academically, sporty, has good friends. Another girl in her class who sounds a lot like your daughter, has built up some sort of resentment towards my DC. She joined the same sports group and stands very very close to her all the time. My DC ends up walking away, pretends to drop items, anything to move away but the other girl follows her around all the time.

It is the same in class. For a long time the girl muttered things when my DC was nearby. But recently it has escalated and the other girl has started to say quite awful things to her and in front of others, almost like she can't help herself.

The girl is obviously very troubled, I'm not sure she has the best home life but I am aware that her parents encourage her competitiveness towards my DC. The girl's mother recently filmed my daughter playing sport.

I find it disturbing and very uncomfortable as does my DC.

Your DD's behaviour needs to be addressed properly. It won't just stop. And a good way is to minimise contact between your DD and this other girl as much as possible. Can you speak to her school and arrange for her to be put in a different classroom?

I’m really sorry to hear that your DD is struggling. I relate - I was insanely jealous of a girl at my secondary school who seemed to find everything easy and be picked for every award/treat/date, etc. It’s a horrid feeling.
I think as a mother there are a few things you can try:

• if I were you, I wouldn’t try to reassure her (as she will push against it), but I would say really simple things along the lines of, “I love you just the way you are”
• I think I would maybe also share my experience of being jealous with something like “I now realise I was focusing so much on her that I could only see good in her and not in me”
• I would be really curious about what it is she is most jealous of (again, without reassurance or saying anything like, “but you’re good at that”). Is it that this girl gets a lot of attention or accolades or the best grades/ what would it mean to her to get those things?…. What does she most want that this girl ‘has’? I think once I had established that, I would then try to empathise with her… “you would love to feel really wanted” (or whatever it may be). Then you can maybe link it to what she has experienced in her life.

what is your relationship like with your DD? I’m wondering if she might engage better in therapy if you were to go along with her if therapist agreed?

Great post - really enlightening

Perhaps she is in the wrong school for her and she is feeling too much pressure. In secondary they are meant to be more independent. I never help dd out with her work (year 8) and she does everything on her own. I don't even know what homework she has or how she does it (she sorts out when she does her work herself). She is at an academically selective school and all the girls are bright. But they are meant to get on with it themselves. I only know if she forgot to do something if I get a notification for this (they are strict, so if something is not done they get a conduct concern and we are notified, but this teaches them fast to remember everything and be on top of things). If you are having to help her with her academics and she is struggling otherwise, I would think about transferring to another less academic school, where she might feel less pressure and be happier.

This sounds very tough. Is it worth having a think if the conversations around her about other people are positive. Make sure that she doesn’t hear you or others picking people apart or hearing jealousy etc.
Obviously I’m sure you’re not doing this but it may help to be aware. I remember reading something that says to stop your child from seeking attention from others or being jealous, you must raise them to feel good and complete within themselves and I think that is so true.

Like others have said I would get her in some clubs. Maybe ask school about things she can do at school to distract herself. X

Reading this with interest. Hopefully you can get her to take the meds, with enough reassurance.
I went to school with a lot of high flying children. I was not a high flyer and one girl in particular was brilliant at everything I enjoyed- even at my outside of school interests - singing at choir- she would get all the solos. Acting - she would get the main parts. Even sewing! She’s still a brilliant high flyer now.
And I am still not. It was impossible not to feel jealous and cross about it. (I wanted a main part- just once!) What saved me was being able to develop the habit of enjoying and noticing the silly things, the small things, the funny things and make - for example- my lunch extra nice for myself or spend time just chilling and listening to music. Basically learning to relax (which was very hard at first) Also reading. reading saved me in high school!
If she writes and enjoys it then there’s definitely a window for her. Part of learning to be a good writer is to just write - uncritically - about whatever you want. Get the words out. Don’t share it. Other, better writing comes later.

Soory I missed the bit about her saying counsellor can't do her job.

I am from the other side of the fence with a DD who is both very academic sporty and creative art her worst subject in her opinion and lowest grade she still got 7s. She has been bullied for doing better than classmates for years.

That sounds like great advice. But it takes two to tango, so if the other person is being difficult, there's only so much impact your positive outlook can make.

So much to unpack in this really thoughtful post from @SpidersAreShitheads

No that’s fine, it wasn’t a dig. I’m just thinking that if OP’s daughter was to start receiving tuition only for it to not work out because she’s giving the tutor more hassle than it’s worth, she might internalise that as another ‘failure’, and that sounds like the last thing she or her mum need right now.

@cheshirecat2913 I recently watched a video by a psychologist. She was talking to a young person who said their anxiety was so bad they sometimes couldn't leave the house.

Her advice was to get up in the morning dont make a sound or say a word, go about your normal morning routine then stop and look yourself in the mirror - eye looking into eye so you see yourself. Then after 8 seconds or so raise your right hand and give yourself a hi 5 in the mirror. At this point you might smile laugh or grimace but its important not to say anything.

Once you're done go about your normal day.

This immediately starts to reprogramme those negative thoughts about yourself. After 2 weeks you will feel differently about yourself. Carry on doing this everyday.

Low self esteem appears in many forms. Writing yourself off having compared yourself to someone you perceive better is one way it presents.

Please get your daughter to recognise herself and her worth by employing this daily ritual.

BTW I dont lack self esteem etc, but I tried it and it works even if you think you're already confident and like yourself.

Good luck.