Daughter super jealous of another girl in class

[cheshirecat2913]

Hello.
My DD 14 has struggled with being jealous of other people for a long long time… most recently of a girl in her class. Said girl is good at everything, you know the sort. DD has said to me it’s very difficult because this girl is better than her at everything - she said and I quote ‘she gets better grades than me even when I try, even in my favourite subject; if she surpasses me in my best subject there’s no reason for me to be here, I’m useless, I bring nothing to the table.’ The girl is also good at sports (DD isn’t and hates physical stuff), the girl has a lot of friends and seems to be quite popular (DD doesn’t have any of this) and this girl also apparently has a good home life and self esteem (The girl has a family whereas DD only really has me and is an only child.) DD’s been jealous of this girl since last year and her self esteem is plummeting at astronomically high levels. It’s difficult to watch.
WWYD??
(unsure if this is right place, first time here :-)

I dunno about this tbh. Seems like having it all written down what this girl has and she doesn't have in black and white could make her worse.

That sounds pretty unbelievable. It's your dd perception. Doesn't mean it's reality

No, it's not silly. It's a fact that jealous kids especially adolescents and teens, do egregious things to other kids they are envious of. I remember a case where a jealous teen invited the girl she was jealous of to a party then the gang of girls burned her with cigarettes, poured things on her, and punched and kicked her, ripped her hair out in patches etc. Because she was jealous. People get abducted, sabotaged, stalked and injured and even murdered because of out of control jealous and emotional instability.

What is scary is that the educators have identified the risk this kid may pose if her jealous nature continues unabated. The parent needs to do all she can to get her daughter therapy.

This is ridiculous. Take your daughter to a cancer ward or show her all the kids starving in Africa, then she will realise she is much better off as she is.
As another post said health is important.
These kinds of posts are just silly.

She does drama and that good, its creative.

Does she attend a club with a teamwork/social focus like cadets or a youth club?

In terms of sport there are so many and seems unlikely she'd dislike every one, what girls sports teams are near you? Or athletics? Will she do local park run or even join the gym? She can't avoid all sport for the rest of her life? What about something out the box like a rock climbing club or something watersports based?

In terms of education she could do extra work at home, khan academy is free but some parts are american context but the profile system is good...if she wanted to challenge herself if its that big a deal.

At 14 is she doing any volunteering? There might be some good opportunities locally.

I don't think counselling is the answer here, i think widening her experience of the world and creating extra social circles is the answer, and if she is still not happy then try counselling. Counselling isn't a magic bullet, it sounds like her world is small and she needs put out of her comfort zone.

This suggests some disordered thinking on your part, OP. I asked you what the other girl was doing to "rub it in your dd's face", and your response was that other people talk about how great this girl is.

She is not doing anything wrong. In fact, she sounds great, and that's why other people are talking about her in this way.

The thing that you and your dd both need to understand is that this other girl being fabulous does not in any way diminish your daughter or prevent her from being fabulous as well.

Life isn't a competition and it isn't a zero sum game. Your dd needs to stop comparing herself to others and to focus on becoming the best version of herself that she can possibly be.

I wouldn’t particularly want to promote a sense of a race to the bottom, either. It is OK for people to have days when they feel bad or hard done by, even if there are kids on cancer wards and starving ones in Africa. It’s human nature. I think the problem with OP’s daughter is that it’s become wildly maladaptive. Telling her ‘be grateful you haven’t got cancer’ is unlikely to help the situation.

totally agree. It’s scary she’s been deemed a concern to others. Op you need to Google some of the things teenagers have done to each other driven by jealousy. Acid attacks spring to mind first. I don’t know why on Earth you’re being so dismissive and saying it’s silly of the school?! It’s terrifying. You need to take her out of school and keep her away from this girl. She needs to grow her self esteem away from a school environment. Maybe online school or something. She needs a psychologist too. Please don’t minimise this!

I think this jealousy/obsession is a sign of her ND to be honest as others have said. I have a ND teenager and you can say 'I don't want to talk about that ' when they go on and on about the thing they're obsessed with.
I think PP s suggestion of finding other activities that your DD can improve at is good.
Also when she goes for a university interview or a job interview she won't be compared with this girl. They will be looking at what she's achieved.

Do you think school should be doing more to support your daughter? Just because she's os clever it doesn't mean she won't be impacted by her ND.

But she could go to a different one. If Girl Guides for example, there are lots of groups, so your DD can pick a different one. It's also great in terms of being non competitive - most activities there isn't a winner or looser, it's about challenging yourself and growing.

You don't think counselling is appropriate for a child who has been deemed a potential danger to others by her school? By the sound of it, it's not a problem that a bit of fresh air and running about or showing off on a stage is going to fix. She needs proper help and the OP seems intent on not getting it for her.

She needs a psychiatric evaluation. And I would also ask, though someone may have asked this already (apologies if so) are you someone who constantly compares yourself to others? Because she learned this pattern of behavior somewhere.

I think though OP for your DD’s own good you have to be very assertive about putting her on track over these things.

I notice you are saying a lot of “but she’s just like this” or “ just thinks that.” It’s your job to pull her up and try to change these rigid mindsets. I’m not saying that’s easy - and it’s even more difficult if she’s ND. But understanding her and simply allowing her to continue in these mindsets unchecked are not the same thing. Letting her fixate on someone, to refuse to engage in things if this ( ultimately quite random) person is “ better” and to dismiss help from school ad “ not good at their job” is allowing her to develop in a very stunted way.

And also make sure she is not just getting praise for academic achievement, since this is one of the areas that seems to trigger her. she needs praise for kindness, for generosity of spirit, for politeness, for singing, for washing up, for tidying her room and remembering to put her clean clothes away, for being gentle with the cat, reading to younger children, for dealing with awkward situations, for smiling etc etc etc

She needs hugs for being who she is, for being your special girl, because YOU need a hug. You also need to make sure that you praise and verbalise express admiration towards other people for their thoughtfulness and activities other than academic work. Encourage her to do the same, it is especially important to verbalise positive feelings about other people so that it becomes a habit, something you both do. Actively looking for good in others can help us recognise good in ourselves.

That's not the girls fault. I remember at university everyone used to go on about the grades /marks I got because I always did so well. I hated the attention! I hated they would look for my marks on the notice board even before I had got out of bed to go and see them!

Your DD needs some perspective

I don’t think it’s ‘silly’ that the school have said she’s a concern to others. She’s measuring herself against some girl and wants to defeat her…That is concerning. Giving up on her own endeavours and then blaming it on this girl is lunacy.

The girl can’t help being clever and good at thing and she can’t help having a good home life. Well, I suppose she can help being good at some things by not giving up because someone else is better than her.

This is a very good way to put it. I’ll remember this advice thank you.

i hop your daughter is ok now

The girl isn’t rubbing anything in her face, you both sound as awful as each other now.

In your opening post you said DD was jealous of other people for a long long time so it isn’t just this one girl is it?

She doesn’t sound kind or empathetic in the slightest. Talking about taking down another girl simply for being good at things, where is the empathy and kindness there? The arrogant way she thinks she has the right to criticise the therapist not being good at her job - she’s showing complete lack of respect and the opposite of what you describe.

And you claim she doesn’t show her feelings towards this girl and holds it all in….then why have the school noted a cause of concern?

OP you are massively in denial here and not doing DD any favours.

@PixieTales

1. She doesn’t talk or interact with this girl. She’s not exactly tearing her down.
2. She didn’t criticise the therapist face to face either, only to me in gentle passing after the session.
3. School’s noted it because she turned herself in to a teacher and confided her worries in them because she was afraid of blowing up at the other girl.

Hope this helps,

OP- honestly I think you also need some help or some perspective. You are deep in denial.

There is absolutely no way a school would identify your child as being a potential risk to another child if all it was that she was afraid of blowing up out of envy and it was something a teacher could jolly her out of- which is what you seem to be implying.

And with every further message you are minimising and minimising further.

Your DD needs help. It's your job to have a clear eye and provide it.

It's about this girl, but you say she has struggled with jealousy before. Jealousy, envy etc are normal parts of life. It's great that your daughter can name her feelings. I also think a competitive drive is not necessarily a terrible thing, certainly many of us like to 'win' and this drives us to be better. What you need to do is work with your daughter on how to manage her feelings and how in the long term to accept that in life, we cannot win everything. There will always be someone prettier, cleverer, more successful, richer, nicer, kinder family, healthier, gets the promotion when you don't etc. So setting her up to have a sense of self worth beyond this is vital. Realising that she is prone to jealousy, recognising it when it arises and having strategies to deal with it is essential, as we all have to have strategies to deal with our less-great tendencies.

She's massively over obsessing and tearing her down to you, and it sounds like you're allowing her to facilitate this.L

And did you just go along with this the same as you seem to bow to her greater knowledge of assessing other people?

Why on earth would she blow up at a girl whose done nothing to her? Obviously the school would have concerns.

Dd sounds very petty, immature, and not a very nice teenager. If YOU don't start to nip this in the bud then she's never going to form friendships, and interact well in life.

@Poppyseeds79 I’d rather she vent to me than at the other girl. Again, I AM TRYING AS HARD AS I CAN. it is DD who does NOT want to do anything the therapist suggests.

But you're still playing along with this from last year? You're allowing her to continue dwelling on this and navel gazing?

At some point you need to say... "this is doing you no favours. It's well past time you stop focusing on X and start living your own life".

Shes 14 not a 6yr old and your pandering won't help her. Sometimes a bit of tough love to help kids is best.