Daughter super jealous of another girl in class

[cheshirecat2913]

Hello.
My DD 14 has struggled with being jealous of other people for a long long time… most recently of a girl in her class. Said girl is good at everything, you know the sort. DD has said to me it’s very difficult because this girl is better than her at everything - she said and I quote ‘she gets better grades than me even when I try, even in my favourite subject; if she surpasses me in my best subject there’s no reason for me to be here, I’m useless, I bring nothing to the table.’ The girl is also good at sports (DD isn’t and hates physical stuff), the girl has a lot of friends and seems to be quite popular (DD doesn’t have any of this) and this girl also apparently has a good home life and self esteem (The girl has a family whereas DD only really has me and is an only child.) DD’s been jealous of this girl since last year and her self esteem is plummeting at astronomically high levels. It’s difficult to watch.
WWYD??
(unsure if this is right place, first time here :-)

I would really want to know about this if I were the mother of the girl your daughter is targeting/obsessed with.

I find this very troubling OP.

What does dd want in terms of goals?

There's always someone better or smarter or prettier etc.

What would she like to do for a job or further study?

I wouldn’t bother with the school counsellor as they’re unlikely to have anything useful to offer and I’m not surprised she’s unimpressed with them.

Could you pay privately for her to see a professional Psychologist? They will understand how her autistic brain works and will be able to help her learn to manage her feelings better so that she stops being overwhelmed by them.

You could also try some online support groups for Autistic teens. I’m in Ireland and my teen DS finds them very helpful, although I’m not sure what’s available in the UK.

You're not trying as hard as you can to do anything but try not to upset your daughter. Being a loving supportive parent is not allowing your daughter to call the shots here or ride rough shod over you or anybody else, as you seem to be allowing her to do. Stop enabling this behaviour. Show a bit of courage. Go back to the school and have another chat, preferably without your daughter, and ask them how they propose you tackle it. She's 14. You haven't got much longer to sort this out. Remember how the school assessed her last time. You have to take it seriously if you genuinely want to help her. If you just want to go on wringing your hands and trying to get sympathy from people, ok, but remember you are not helping her.

Have you have told her sharply off for her nasty, petty, spiteful attitude after all this time? Or is it a case of listening, validating all her feeling and letting her go on and on and acting neutral? You as a parent are responsible for providing a moral compass, she's turning into the evil character here. Tell her she isn't acting nicely and that that negativity and spite will be visible to all. Simply tell her off, massively so. You are there to set boundaries, it sounds like you're being permissive. Judge her harshly, hopefully she'll get a sharp shock and snap out of it.

Exactly. I wrote a lengthy post suggesting you need to rewire your responses yourself but it seems I just greatly wasted my time there because you haven't taken on any of the suggestions OP. Just keep telling us how she's jealous but not how you're trying to reset and adjust her expectations.

What have you taken out from this thread so far and what are you going to do going forward? just let her keep going on about the girl or are you actually going to try and abut her assertions and try to reframe them into something more positive?

I understand why irks you. I guess I was trying to dismantle the idea that popularity and grades need to be a competition by focussing on more important things. I was the girl at school who excelled academically. For me understanding that grades and popularity didn't equal success helped me to stop seeing life as a competition. Everyone has different skills, different interests, talents etc. but values are the most important thing. If you want to be successful, liked etc. its not about trying to be better than anyone else, it starts with you. If you are kind, patient, humble, honest, resilient etc. If you act with integrity good things come your way.

I know plenty of autistic people, young and old, not one of them is envious or spiteful, on the contrary. This has nothing to do with her being neuro-diverse. The obsessing about something maybe but the negative, hateful aggressive feelings not, they're based on her personality, not her autism.

@TrainGame I’m reading every comment and I will take this into account, thank you. How would I reframe it into something positive?

🙄 I’m sure your anecdotal nonsense is very helpful…not!

@cheshirecat2913 OP, you need to ignore the majority of posters on this thread who clearly have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about and following their suggestions won’t be productive for you.

You need to speak with qualified and experienced professionals who understand Autism and teens and who can guide you both to a happier place.

If the school has spoken to about your child as being a potential risk to another child then this should be taken seriously. Your daughter is a ticking time bomb. What would happen if this girl either made the a wrong remark or did something that your daughter wouldn't like?

Can you get her mental health assessed? Or considered a hospital stay? I know people with autism and ADHD and what you are describing is really next level and incredibly worrisome. If I were the mum of the other girl, I would be extremely concerned about the safeguarding of my child.

Also, maybe you should consider family therapy together with her as well. Your tone and use of phrases to describe this girl seem quite unhealthy.

Tbh I really disagree with the reframing. As a teen I would have seen this as dishonest. I think you need to meet her where she is. I struggled massively with CBT etc because it all felt like weird attempts to twist my thoughts. A lot of “reframing” can be similar. I’m not saying to just leave her and do nothing, but how she feels is how she feels, trying to pretend it’s anything else likely feels incredibly fake and just like another type of masking and pretence to her.

I feel like I have at least a degree of understanding because I also got strong obsessions with people.

Kindly @cheshirecat2913 I think what you are seeking is beyond what many posters can give.

Your DD needs specialist help from a professional. You also need that help, so you can support your DD as she’s refusing to engage. Have you asked for support for yourself?

That did strike me. If the school, which entails a bunch of qualified people who observe her DD's interactions with the other girl and other students say she could pose a risk to others the reaction surely should be how can we ensure she isn't a risk? Not oh that's silly. My perfectly perfectly obsessively jealous daughter couldn't possibly harm anyone in any way. With that attitude perhaps it's no wonder the daughter is not engaging with therapy

Op I must commend you for your patience in the face of hard to hear responses. You are obviously really invested in helping your daughter which is a great first step. I agree with what few others have said: time to see a psychiatrist but one with expertise/experience with autism and adhd. And if you can one with a specialisation in women. Sounds too curated but they exist. One group I can think of is Berkely Pyschiatrists. They have a number of them specialised in women with adhd and autism.. So am sure there will be quite a few more if you google around. Good luck to you and your obviously bright daughter who just needs to find her journey in this life

Agree that MN cannot help as this family will need professional help. The dd is not engaging with that atm. @cheshirecat2913 I am wondering have you ever told her sharply and firmly that what she is doing is very wrong and she needs to stop it or are you always giving her a space to rant and complain about the girl in school? Have you mad it clear in a sharp and angry way that she is to stop this?

Along the lines of "I get that you're not a fan of Lucy, but you're wasting too much energy focusing on her. Your success is in your hands, not anyone else's. Not everyone can be popular, and that's perfectly fine. Most people aren't, and they still find their own happiness and their own group. We don’t act out of jealousy or try to bring others down. Stop comparing yourself, and start owning your own path. You need to take responsibility for your own actions."

or "If this behaviour doesn’t stop, I’ll have to take away your phone for a few days to help you reset and focus on what really matters. We don’t let jealousy take control, and you need to manage your emotions better. Our family doesn't stand for that sort of behaviour. Let’s turn this around, what went well today?"

or
"You have so many great things going for you right now, but obsessing over Lucy and being rude or aggressive will only hurt you. If this continues, it could lead to serious consequences, like getting expelled, and it definitely won’t make you popular or successful. If the behavior doesn’t stop, I’ll take away your phone for a few days. You need to focus on the positives and put your energy into building your own path. What went well today?"

Please don't pussyfoot around this issue with your dd because she has additional needs. If she isn't engaging with support services, you need to keep a very close eye on her and keep her busy with things that help her feel positive while making it damned clear that her attitude towards the girl is wrong and unacceptable.

Will she do outside groups - not sport related one - girl guide, music, acting - science based it depends on what your area has - so there is more than school.

We've found that beneficial with our kids when schools not been great - though at 14 you do need her to at least be open to trying it.

My DC especially younger two can get "stuck" on a situation - and we do end up like a broken record trying to move them past it - obviously you do sympathy and practical suggestions first but with both we have reached the well you have x weeks left there - you won't know these people after x date - or try and refocus them on their goals - and what do you need what can you do to get a better mark - or change situation.

It doesn't sound like the other girl is doing anything but existing - so you do really need to change your mindset and your DD that the girl is the problem - she's clearly not and this could just go on and on with next person in the "problem hole" she currently has.

As the mother of one of those seemingly ‘perfect’ children, please please don’t ever allow your daughter to be mean to the other girl. My youngest son has suffered so much with jealousy from so-called friends because on face value he is good at everything, top of the class academically, gifted in sports, is musical with perfect pitch, very kind, a great leader and role
model and is confident and popular. However life isn’t easy when you constantly have a few jealous peers sniping at you and trying to ‘defeat’ you or hoping that you will fail.

As I say, people always assume my son is great at everything but he can’t draw for toffee and is rubbish at art - no-one is ever good at absolutely everything but nor is life a competition. I always tell him to just be extra kind to those who are being nasty because of jealousy, and to not enter into any conversations where people are comparing themselves with him - it’s only going to end in one or both of them being sad. Can you encourage your daughter to be friendlier to this other girl and to see her as a person rather than as some sort of standard to which your daughter wants to meet or exceed?

FWIW my older son is just as successful academically and in sports but he is shy and so no-one ever notices him - neither situation is great to be honest as one goes unnoticed by teachers and coaches, and the other gets noticed all the time but attracts jealousy. Luckily my boys have a good relationship with each other and also both have lovely groups of friends.

I'd suggest to your DD that a lot of people seem really happy on the outside and to other people but, sometimes, it's because they have GOT to be good at everything because that's their way of coping. Get her to do a list of the good things in her life, right down to having a home where she can relax. Then list what shes unhappy about and WHY, does she really want to be the best at everything, because when your the best the only way is down. Then work on ONE thing she wants to be better at and decide if it would really make her happier, honestly make her happier.

Have you spoken to the autism team? They might be able to approach the situation from a different direction.

I like this idea. I had no confidence and zero self esteem as a teen, but if my Mum had done this with me, it would have really helped.

I was the same as you not very good at things, but the way to beat it is to do the opposite of what they do. So they know somethings and you know the other the opposite of them ,remember that they are not good at everything that's what you learned in college. So don't worry you will win over them. Don't let it disturb your concentration for other things. And your mum will still be proud of you she loves you prove them wrong. Go for it you have nothing to loose.

I really hope you can get the help your DD needs. To help her feel better about herself. Especially if she has her GCSEs coming up next year.
Is it worth getting a tutor as you state your DD is very bright but struggles with tests. This could help give her a boost with her grades might even help her score better!

@Weedoormatnomore She does have a tutor but again has ADHD and refuses meds + therefore has difficulty concentrating; she tries hard in class and as I understand her I help her out with academics quite a bit but I also believe she thinks this girl just naturally knows all this stuff, which is obviously untrue.