To think 42 is too old for a baby?

[UnknownClam]

Posting under a NC for this as I know it might be controversial, but I need to get this off my chest.

A friend of mine has just announced she’s TTC at 42. She already has two DC (youngest is 10) and has suddenly decided she “really wants one last baby.” I know it’s her life, her choice, but I can’t help but feel like it’s too old.

I had my last DC at 38, and even then, I found the sleepless nights brutal. I can’t imagine doing it in my 40s. Also, by the time the child is a teen, she’ll be in her late 50s! And I hate to say it, but the risks of pregnancy complications and things like Down’s syndrome are much higher at that age.

She asked me what I thought, and I just smiled and said, “That’s exciting!” because I didn’t want to be rude. But deep down, I feel like it’s a bit selfish. AIBU? Would love to hear from anyone who had a baby in their 40s how was it?

Be gentle! Not trying to be a cow, just genuinely wondering if I’m the only one who feels this way.

@McBilbo the good news is the ones going around being arsey about your choices are not the ones you want as friends. By all means think 'not for me' but open judgement of something you cannot change is never acceptable.

Just wanted to say I had a positive 13 weeks scan today with my 4th baby and I'm an extremely delighted 38-year old 😄

I'm now 30 weeks and feeling so ill and rundown. Mentally and physically but I know this is because of the pregnancy issues I get, HG anemia etc. Not my age 37! We don't know what will happen in life but we can't always hold back because of the uncertain nature.

I was 42 when I had my little boy. We’d been trying for years and had three failed attempts at ivf. I had a miscarriage then a healthy pregnancy. I never appreciated judgemental people thinking they were able to ask me why i didn’t want children and poking their noses into our business. I still don’t like it! Live your own life and leave your friend to make her own decisions.

DD was born when I was in my late 50s and occasionally I was mistaken for grandma when she was little (doesn't happen any more, I can only assume my DCs have kept me young and everyone else's have aged them terribly). DH is over 10 years older than me (I can hear the pearls being clutched from here and if he's mistaken for her granddad she thinks it's HILARIOUS and it's so rare for him (again, he's kept young by having kids I think) he isn't at all bothered.
Teachers who are embarrassed by such a mistake need to give their heads a wobble.

A 42 yo mum isn't going to have a teenager/a child still in education when you're in your 60s, she may have an adult child in further education, but, hopefully, they won't be asking her to help with their homework then and she won't be doing any school runs.

I'm not saying I found motherhood (or menopause) a breeze but I always wonder on MN when I hear someone saying it's hard (or 'brutal'). I definitely wouldn't call my experience of the whole of motherhood that - course it had its ups and downs and tiring times - but, for me, it was very positive. Obviously serious life events will impact it one way or another. I'm not far off my 60s and find some negative terms about age quite odd.

AARGH typo. Both my DCs are adopted but (as per my post up thread) I was in my 40s when they were born. Not 50s.

@Mothership4two It's tiring having kids but it's also kept both of us young and lively. In particular DH retired last year (civil service wanted him back in the office, he said "sod that") and his life is not that of a retired person except possibly for the daily trips to M&S food hall). We're going on a beach/Disney holiday in the summer while my parents were going on U3A trips when they were his age.

Can you define 'old mum'?

The older parents on here are describing themselves as cranky and cantankerous and knackered

All of them? Every single one? I didn't find that, actually, if anything, it seemed to be mostly the posters who weren't older parents extrapolating that's what older parents were going to experience. Maybe if you ween't so busy having kids when you were younger you could have brushed up your comprehension skills?

I know several people who have had children in their 40s and that certainly doesn't describe them. It's just possible your prized 'youthful attitude' might well be an intelligent, well-rounded person's definition of hubristic, unworldly and limiting, but, hey, at least you have the memory of your youthful parenting to keep you warm. 😀

I'm not really an old mum. Baby at 33 and would have been a little earlier if I hadn't lost my daughter in pregnancy. As someone impartial I wouldn't say that's how they are describing themselves at all. Some younger parents really have a chip on their shoulder when it comes to people choosing a different life.

My experience of seeing people having kids younger was not good, including my own parents hence the reason I didn't want any in my 20's. I have sooo much more patience and money now than I did even 5 years ago. No regrets because I lived my best selfish life. Some people may take a little longer to settle.

Some people are great parents young, others older. It's really nobodies elses business and not a competition.

I never understand why with motherhood, people insist one size fits all and judge anything they don't agree with.

Well I hope not as I’m 41 and considering one last baby. But mine are young and if I was out of the baby stage I might not want to go back.

I know it's inflammatory, but I can't help but think "why!?" Your 41, and already have children! You're 41!

Well, you've replied to every post, so I think one can assume your level of caring about this random stranger's opinion is at least equal 🤔

FYI I also have a masters degree

FYI me too. What's your point? If we're listing credentials and accomplishments, I also have a law degree, a second masters, a cordon bleu certificate (but only basic cuisine), a first aid certification, an enhanced DBS, BA gold status, a published book and a very naughty dog.

Still waiting for the definition of 'old mum' though. I'm curious to see if I make your cutoff or not.

The medics don't use the word 'geriatric' to refer to older mothers any more, it's 'advanced maternal age' once 35 or older.

First at 38 second at 45 both ivf so more statistically likely to be healthy than naturally conceived on top of that :
downs and Edward’s syndrome children are 99% aborted as test is available to all (uk) before 10 weeks and is 99.9 accurate yes or no

previously parents were given a percentage chance which was calculated mathematically , new test is blood test and accurate

I can’t compare to a younger me as I wasn’t pregnant in my twenties

my youngest is 6 and I can’t imagine starting all over again ( shudder) but I’d dearly love the idea in theory of 3/4 children

Yes it does. I had 34 as my cut off for more children but in the end decided against it (not for age reasons).

…. Iam definitely not cantankerous or cranky , knackered yes, as I’m menopausing but no more knackered than any other parent and I remember napping all the time as a knackered 20 something and gave it no thought or shame attached

I’m with you OP I’m 32 with 3 under 5 and I’m absolutely done in

I love being in my very early 60s with my last child at university. Makes me feel young and I enjoy still having a role as a mum. My kids don’t appear remotely embarrassed by me as they happily go shopping and to the theatre, visit exhibitions and have meals out with me. I enjoy the company and conversations of all my children. They challenge me, make me laugh and keep me up to date. I’m fit, healthy, lift weights and don’t have grey hair, thanks to my excellent hairdresser. Never been mistaken for a granny. In fact I was mistaken for the mum of my 11yr old niece the other week. I can’t say I’d be bothered if I was though. I’m not that interested in what strangers think about me.

They don’t even use the term advanced maternal age though, do they? They didn’t at my hospital anyway.

I’m 38 and not planning any more children (had youngest age 33) but don’t really get this comment. So what if someone has a baby at 41? That’s not that old is it? Women have been having babies in their early 40s since forever. I’m not that far off early 40s and feel pretty energetic. I don’t get it.