To think 42 is too old for a baby?

[UnknownClam]

Posting under a NC for this as I know it might be controversial, but I need to get this off my chest.

A friend of mine has just announced she’s TTC at 42. She already has two DC (youngest is 10) and has suddenly decided she “really wants one last baby.” I know it’s her life, her choice, but I can’t help but feel like it’s too old.

I had my last DC at 38, and even then, I found the sleepless nights brutal. I can’t imagine doing it in my 40s. Also, by the time the child is a teen, she’ll be in her late 50s! And I hate to say it, but the risks of pregnancy complications and things like Down’s syndrome are much higher at that age.

She asked me what I thought, and I just smiled and said, “That’s exciting!” because I didn’t want to be rude. But deep down, I feel like it’s a bit selfish. AIBU? Would love to hear from anyone who had a baby in their 40s how was it?

Be gentle! Not trying to be a cow, just genuinely wondering if I’m the only one who feels this way.

I’ve never ever seen it happen and my mum is an older mum. I always thought my mum was so glam when I was a child . What a ridiculous statement. Maybe women in your family /social circle don’t age well or something .

Exactly - menopause is horrendous for some women, but not for all women. I asked my mother and she said the only symptom she had were nightsweats and it wasn't debilitating.

I’ve seen plenty of frumpy awful looking young mums about (as well as older ones) should they not have kids either in case they are embarrassed?

I don’t think it’s too old per se, but (and this is a view very personal to me and my specific experiences) given she already has a family, I would worry about worst case scenarios. What if a situation occurs that could severely impact the existing children/family, such as the baby being born with very significant additional needs, or something happening to the mother… as I said this is based on my own difficult experiences, but I’d never express this directly to my friend.

@DelilahRay funny you sound the most bitter of everyone on this thread with your nastiness about older mums… think you must have a chip on your shoulder about being a young mum for some reason. not sure why that is

To be fair. I do very often struggle to know whether a child is with a parent or a grandparent. I find this the most difficult when I go to very affluent areas where being an older parent is very common. I tend to just call them the parent as grandparents are seldom offended by being mistaken for the parent, not so much the other way round. Just saves embarrassment.

I had mine at 42. I was fortunate that because I was born tired, I was well used to being tired so the sleepless nights made no difference. I was also surrounded by women of a similar age with babies. I’m 56 with a teenager - I’m not sure what the problem with that is?

Well I had my last just before I turned 45- he was my fourth and I had a great year off. Wasn’t planning a fourth but I had been ill and affected my contraception so it was like having an unexpected holiday from work. He is ten now and I deal with all his clubs and I manage his rugby team. He loves his older siblings and has been a welcome addition - after 3 kids I slept like a lizard anyway

Maybe it’s because of the area I live in. It’s not uncommon at all to be a parent in 30s and 40s where I live (it’s not particularly affluent though I must say)

How do you know it’s the best decision of your life ? You can’t possibly know because you haven’t experienced a different life. How many people actually plan children as a couple at 21 ? Very very few. Most are unplanned at that age (by the man at least). You sound so nasty and smug. It’s absolutely pathetic. I hope you haven’t taught your children the same values as you. Grow up.

i think areas can vary wildly. I feel where I live is very mixed. I know a girl who had 3 kids before she was 19, she is definitely not the poster girl for being a young parent and at almost 27 is pretty worn out.

my friend is about to have a first at 40 after a very long road of infertility. I probably only know one person in real life though who chose to start trying for a family after 40, but plenty who went for a second, third, fourth etc.

id say the average round here is probably still late 20s/early 30s for a first. Which to me seems ideal. If everyone’s lives worked out so they could start and finish having kids between 25 and 35 we could stop having these debates. What bothers me are those who look down on younger parents whilst choosing to be much older parents without acknowledging that this is also less than ideal. It’s fine. We can all make choices others don’t agree with, but don’t sneer at me whilst making a choice that is a little dubious yourself (not saying this is what you are doing, it’s the general way it goes).

Glad to hear you are happy with your life. Maybe you can use some of the spare time you now have to work on whatever personality issue makes you want to be gratuitously mean to complete strangers who have made different life choices to yours on the internet.

To be fair I don't think I have ever confused parents with grandparents.

Older parents are so common nowadays and some of them look absolutely fly.

That's great for you that you made the choices that worked best for you and have no regrets just like everyone else on the thread (regardless of their age).

My mum was also a young mum (had me at 20, 4 kids by 29) and wouldn't change it for the world. There are definitely lots of undeniable positives to having children when you are younger.

At the same time, it's not for everyone (and what a boring world if we were all the same). For many women, having children in their 30's or 40's makes much more sense - whether because of lifestyle, maturity, relationships, stability, finances, health etc etc or just personal choice. For them, the positives likely outweigh any potential negatives.

It's not 'selfish', it's just different to what you chose for yourself and that is honestly OK. 'There are no benefits.....' well that's rather subjective isn't it? For me there were so many benefits: being mortgage free by 40 for one, having extra time, being more patient, and having a family together with my wonderful husband who I didn't even meet until my mid-late 30's rather than the person i was with from age 22 to 35 who was a perpetrator of DV and eventually convicted of giving me a bleed on the brain.

You don't know anyone else's stories just as we don't know yours. The world would be a better place with a little more empathy and a little less judgement.

Who is sneering ? If I got pregnant at 21 I would have chosen to keep the baby too same as you. I’m not sneering at your choice at all. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being a young mum and in some ways I think it would be nice. I wasn’t in a position to actually plan a child at that age though and didn’t happen to get pregnant by accident either

I did say that wasn’t aimed at you. I don’t think that you’re sneering.

However, over the years I have experienced a lot of sneering from much older parents on here. It is the general theme of it. They see themselves as superior for waiting and see you as ridiculous and irresponsible. I’ve had people say they feel sorry for my kids having to have a young parent. I’m usually pretty polite on these debates. I have some personal experiences which I do at times share which have put me off being an older parent, but I don’t personally attack people. I can’t say the same for many of the older parents i have encountered on here.

The thing is though I rented in my 20s and the rental market was so precarious towards the end of my 20s. Frequently landlords here just tell people they are selling and kick you out. I ended up waiting until I was in a more secure position because i couldn’t justify having a child and risk being evicted in the blink of an eye. I did think about having a child a bit earlier but just couldn’t risk it so it wasn’t to be. I would never look down on young mums you get good parents and bad parents of all ages.

This is all kinds of wrong. My brother was born when I was 10 and a half and from the moment he was born he was my world. I loved pushing the pram, feeding him etc. I even took him on his first foreign holiday to Disneyland in Paris. My parents were still there for me and my older brother at our different stages (my older brother was 17 when the younger was born). Now that we are adults he is my best friend, and our whole family is close. Don’t judge what you don’t know.

Also, in reply to the original poster I am
pregnant with my first and will be 40 when baby is born. I didn’t meet my husband until I was 36 so I didn’t have the option before. Again, don’t judge people’s scenarios.

Had both dc in my 40s. Second conceived when I was 42, born when I was 43.
I don’t have anything to compare it with, but like any age it has its pros and cons. I would have preferred to have had them younger and got more time with them, but life didn’t pan out like that. I think the best thing for me is the thing always mentioned as a big negative in these sort of threads : Having teenagers in your fifties and early sixties ! I love it . It’s so much fun.

Are you trying to say that, you were physcially fitter in your 40s than in your 20s?

Are you trying to say that, you were physcially fitter in your 40s than in your 20s?

You quoted my entire post so you can see that I haven't said that.

Right. OK