To think 42 is too old for a baby?

[UnknownClam]

Posting under a NC for this as I know it might be controversial, but I need to get this off my chest.

A friend of mine has just announced she’s TTC at 42. She already has two DC (youngest is 10) and has suddenly decided she “really wants one last baby.” I know it’s her life, her choice, but I can’t help but feel like it’s too old.

I had my last DC at 38, and even then, I found the sleepless nights brutal. I can’t imagine doing it in my 40s. Also, by the time the child is a teen, she’ll be in her late 50s! And I hate to say it, but the risks of pregnancy complications and things like Down’s syndrome are much higher at that age.

She asked me what I thought, and I just smiled and said, “That’s exciting!” because I didn’t want to be rude. But deep down, I feel like it’s a bit selfish. AIBU? Would love to hear from anyone who had a baby in their 40s how was it?

Be gentle! Not trying to be a cow, just genuinely wondering if I’m the only one who feels this way.

At 44, i have a few friends who are still ttc and 2 who have had babies this year.

i had my last at 38 but i only wanted 2 and it wasn’t an issue. My thoughts about having a baby at 44 are not relevant to anyone else’s family

Never been mistaken for dc’s grandma. Although friend who was a few years younger was but that could be how she dresses

100% agree, I think most 40 something mums of young kids (5years and under) are in denial of this. They seem to think that they have the same amount of energy as 20 year olds. Baffling

what i find baffling is how some of you think you know better than those of us who've lived it.

I went through menopause when DD was in primary school (didn't even know about "peri" as it wasn't an MN thing a decade ago). Didn't bat an eyelid as the majority of women don't experience the horrendous symptoms that plague a few.

The teen years were fun and our house was the place to hang out as apparently I was the "chilled out mum." And the taxi!

Happy to support DD through uni and I have enough energy to work and plan the USA road trip DD and I are doing this year.

The future is full of unknowns but we will all of us face it as it comes.

I'm not judging people either way. As I said earlier, I was finished having children before 38, but I certainly didn't feel worse or less active at even 58 than I did at 38 and my parents have remained fit and active and healthy through their 80s. I was reacting to @BlondiePortz statement that

So she will be 62 when the child is 20, no this is not fair on the child

I mean, in what world is that a rule? Many people on this site seem to spend whole days afraid to answer the doorbell or sit down on their furniture without fumigating their outside clothes. Are they more suited to being parents at 25 than someone who is still taking on the world with gusto at 40?

I'll tell you the dirty secret that's not been mentioned here - how you feel at 38 and 48 and 58 and 68 and even 78 and 88 is likely to be related to your income and your postcode. No, you can't outrun bad luck or genetic predispositions, but in my life in London, zone 1, I know many people in these age groups who are healthy, fit and active with no caring responsibilities. Many of whose statistical odds are probably close to as good as those of a 28 year old in a deprived post code.

Fortunately my.mortgage was paid off by the time I had my child so no need to work full-time and feel knackered. Swings and roundabouts.

My mother was never ever mistaken for my grandma and had me at 39. I didn’t even notice she was an older mum until I was well into my teens.
I don’t think many people actually plan to have a baby as a couple at 21 but anyway I’m sure it has its good points. I loved travelling in my 20s while carefree. I can’t imagine travelling in my 40s would ever be quite the same as that even if my dc were grown and independent.honestly it’s such an ageist attitude to feel smug that your child won’t be embarrassed by you looking older.

I’m glad i devoted my 20s to raising my kids. They’re the best thing I’ll do with my life and glad they got my best years (please don’t take that as the only thing I’ve done with my life, that is not the case).

travelling in my 40s is likely to be a bit more luxurious than the travelling I’d have done n my 20s but hopefully I’ll enjoy it just as much as those who back packed in their 20s. I also love travelling with my teens/young adults while I’m still youngish myself.

Yep I'm fully aware this may be the case! But we got into a good routine with ds, so one of us would go to bed early and get to early the other would go late and sleep late.
I've never functioned well on no sleep 🤣

Yeh but how many people actually plan this life for themselves? I don’t know any men at all who wanted a child at 20/21 and certainly didn’t feel secure enough to plan one with a man at that time.

Exactly.

Any man I was with during my 20's definitely wasn't father material.

I'd be pretty depressed if I thought my twenties were the best years of my life.

And what makes you think that mothers who are older than that don't think their kids are the best thing they'll ever do with their life? Personally, I'm glad mine got my confident, mature, patient, happily married, financially secure, able to provide for all their needs years.

I agree yanbu

Maybe it takes some people a little longer to get there as I felt that’s what my kids got from me in my 20s. Well apart from the financially secure part. Though it mattered less back then as life was just a lot cheaper than it is now.

im happy now my kids are grown and I can devote myself uninterrupted to my career knowing I won’t need to go off on may leave etc.

also with my family history and experiences it would have been pretty selfish of me (personally) to plan to wait until my 40s to have kids.

don’t worry, I’m not depressed about thinking my 20s were the best years of me for my kids. I’m glad they got what I consider to be my best years. Don’t think that means that I think I’m ready for the scrap heap, not at all, I’m still incredibly young, fit and active. But I’m less patient and much worse without sleep!! If I’d never had kids I may consider them, it would be selfish of me with my family history, but my need to procreate may win out. I’m just glad it’s not the position I find myself in.

I’m not assuming young parents have no life of course I don’t think that. A good few of my friends had kids in their 20s and they are fantastic parents and have great lives(their kids were not planned though) Just saying I don’t think travelling would be the same which I doubt it would be. Plus most people at 20 are in the throes of college and not planning children. I’m not the one making snide remarks about children being embarrassed of their parents for whatever reason like you. I hope you haven’t taught your children to be that shallow.

@LouisaPesel

"I went through menopause when DD was in primary school (didn't even know about "peri" as it wasn't an MN thing a decade ago)."

Thank you! I posted on MN a while ago saying that peri menopause just wasn't a thing back in the day. Needless to say I was sneered at mercilessly and even accused of lying. I'm in my late 60's and went through the menopause about 20 years ago (so admittedly I'm a lot older than you). Nobody ever used those words and I never saw it written about or discussed anywhere. I honestly don't think the majority of women would recognise the term back then.

I didn’t plan my first in all fairness, but I chose to have this life as there are always options. I did plan my second. DH and I are still together after almost 22 years. Raised our kids and built a stable life for them. Dd1 is at uni doing an integrated masters dd2 will be applying for uni in the autumn. We’re a very close family and enjoy each others company. I don’t recognise any of the typical mumsnet talk of teens not wanting to spend time/holiday with their parents.

I can't imagine being an old mum

Cool. So what's the cutoff that defines that?

The highest and lowest life expectancy postcodes in the UK have about a seven year gap between them. Do we factor that in? Or is it strictly chronological?

What I can't imagine is being smug. About my own or others' choices.

It used to be normal for women to have babies all through their lives from late teens to 40s

This is the thing if I had gotten pregnant at 21 it wouldn’t have been planned as I was not in a secure position at all. I’d imagine there are lots and lots of positives to being a young mum. But I’d say couples who have children that young that are planned are in the minority.

Can't everyone just do what's best for themselves and their own personal circumstances without being so judgemental towards others?

Honestly, whether people had children in their teens, 20's, 30's, 40's or one in each decade..... who else's business is it? all have their pluses and minuses

No I don’t have a problem with any of it apart from you saying your children won’t be embarrassed of you being mistaken for a grandparent which is so silly and shallow (makes you come across as very immature tbh). I think there are positives to being a young parent and there are positives to being an older parent.
I don’t think “my way is the best way” because I waited to have kids. I can see the benefits and negatives of both options.