To think 42 is too old for a baby?

[UnknownClam]

Posting under a NC for this as I know it might be controversial, but I need to get this off my chest.

A friend of mine has just announced she’s TTC at 42. She already has two DC (youngest is 10) and has suddenly decided she “really wants one last baby.” I know it’s her life, her choice, but I can’t help but feel like it’s too old.

I had my last DC at 38, and even then, I found the sleepless nights brutal. I can’t imagine doing it in my 40s. Also, by the time the child is a teen, she’ll be in her late 50s! And I hate to say it, but the risks of pregnancy complications and things like Down’s syndrome are much higher at that age.

She asked me what I thought, and I just smiled and said, “That’s exciting!” because I didn’t want to be rude. But deep down, I feel like it’s a bit selfish. AIBU? Would love to hear from anyone who had a baby in their 40s how was it?

Be gentle! Not trying to be a cow, just genuinely wondering if I’m the only one who feels this way.

You don't have to imagine it, because you aren't TTC, she clearly feels able enough, and that's what matters.

Everyone's different and it's a very personal choice. Having babies in your forties doesn't seem strange to me because my mother had my sister when she was 44 but I understand if you don't know anyone who's had children later it might seem too old.

I was just about to type something similar to this. It's the age gap not the age.

42 is absolutely fine to have a baby presuming both parents are healthy. But with older DC it will have a big impact on them. Not saying they won't love a baby if one comes, of course they will. But babies and toddlers massively change the dynamics of days out, family holidays, having your mates over, trying to complete homework assignments or revise for exams, etc etc, for older DC.

I had my last at 40 with an 8 year gap between oldest and youngest and even that was hard, our situation was due to fertility issues but I would never recommend a big age gap. I definitely felt oldest missed out on stuff because we had to try and work round such different ages. Having a tiny baby in my 40s was easy enough, it was juggling everything else that was so hard.

That said, it's her life and her choice, and technically none of anyone else's business.

I had mine at 22, 33 and 40.

The only one that other people didn’t seem to have a problem with was the pregnancy at 33, that was deemed acceptable by the everyone I knew (not that I give a single fuck).

I wish I had been younger than 40 having my 3rd though. I don’t believe the bullshit about having more patience when you are older. I was a far better parent when I was younger. At 45 I’m a cantankerous old bat and have had health problems. My 4 year old is also incredibly hard work - the first two were easy babies/children. I could have done with one of the easy ones when I am old and tired.

My children are extremely close though. My 23 year old is away working but texts my 11 year old all the time and FaceTimes the 4 year old, who he is the closest to as they are basically the same person, everyday.

I think it’s swings and roundabouts 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s not a one-size-fits-all thing.
Different people are at different points in their lives at different ages, so what works perfectly for some might not work for others.

Personally, I was very young when I had my DC’s - I’d just turned 20 when DC1 was born, I had DC2 16 months later and then DC3 was born when I was 24. I’m in my early 30’s now, and while I love the idea of another newborn, the idea of doing the toddler/preschool/primary school years again fills me with dread 🫠🫣 Hence why DH and I have put a lid on the idea of having any more!

When I’m 42, my DCs will be young adults, the eldest and middle ones likely to have flown the nest and the youngest not far behind. I’m looking forward to my 40’s being for me.

I had an 8 year age gap - it’s manageable.

OP - there are plenty of us who have had a baby at 40 plus. My friend had both her DCs in her 40s.

I think the issues come a bit later down the line. My friend was her parents 4th child in their 40s. She’s now 35 and just had her first baby but also dealing with her parents poor health and is constantly stressed at how much help they need. I also had a colleague who is an only child of elderly parents. Again, she’s only in her 20’s but feels she can’t move away or even move out because of the level of dependency her parents place on her.

I agree. She's not doing it to benefit her family as a whole, just to indulge herself in one more child. Which will then be a very loud toddler/preschooler just as the oldest is around exam seasons. Nice.

Whilst everything you are saying is true, if she wants to try for another at 42, let her. Don't use up any of your energy worrying about it. Waste of time and effort.

My SIL has just decided to try for her first baby at 37... she's been with BIL for 15 years... he is now 48!
It's madness. The NHS will only help her with IVF until her 40th... I have no idea why they would wait this long. Nothing has changed. They haven't been working on careers or moved country.
Weird.

This is what struck me too. OP must have a very specific TTC cut off date in her head which falls somewhere between 38 (fine) and 42 (not fine), I wonder when it is!

Personally I wouldn’t want to have more babies in my early forties, but if others want to I just think good for them.

As the child of older parents I personally feel it's too old, but that's not a popular opinion around here.

I agree with you OP, and she probably won't be 42 when she has the baby if she's only trying now which means she'll potentially have a 16 or 17 year old child when she's 60 - and I think that's too old. But it seems to be the way things are going now with people having kids later and later.

I wonder if it's a contributing factor to the increasing number of children with ASD/ADHD in cases where it isn't already in the family genetics.

This ^

I think there IS a problem with society in general having babies later.

But on an individual basis, I don’t suppose it matters. There’s also a good chance it won’t happen like she plans anyway but even if it does, it’s her who has to start all over again. You’d have to pay me a million pounds for me to even consider it.

As the child of older parents, it’d be a no from me.

It would have been rude for anyone to comment about you having one at 38 and it’s rude for you to make any comments about her. It’s none of your business.

Many women are so delighted to have a baby when they have turned 40. It must have been a wonderful thing for them.
Thank goodness it didn’t happen to me.
😉😁😁

It's far too old for me personally, but her choice is her business. It's not ideal from a health perspective as the likelihood of problems increases dramatically with age, Then again, how many of us are making our life choices in ideal situations?

I'd just nod and smile and say good luck.

It`s to old for me tbh to be starting over.
But its not for others i couldent do but others can do it look at it this way its not you thats having sleepless nights its not you that has to deal with a baby and all that comes with that in the following years thats her deal her problems her life.
If its what your friend wants then all the best to her.
Its not you doing it..

Mumsnet has a weird obsession with this topic and it always seems to be 42 that's the age in question. It's almost like there's an organised group with a hang up about it who keep starting threads

Why does it matter what anyone else thinks, if the people involved are happy why do you care. When my children were at primary school there were loads of women who'd had children in their 40s, no one was bothered

I did not meet my partner until 35 married at 36
so did not have a choice but to be an ‘older’ mother
i will be introducing my children to a safe loving and financially stable home with two professional parents who have a good support network. We will be able to support them going to private schools, afford to not work full time to support them (and rest) - all would not have been possible if i had a baby when i was younger

you are the same type that would have judged me for having a baby with my abusive partner when i was younger - ‘pick better men to have babies with’.

i have friends who have been ttc since their 20s who are now 40/42 should they just give up so you can sleep at night not worrying about how hard it will be for them

woman cannot win can they?

Madness in my view, just because you can doesn't mean you should. But your response of that is exciting is right.

No more selfish than you. Did you find others judged you?

Age is really just a number isnt it? I mean energy levels between women not health risks obv .The point is that at 42 she knows what to expect! Younger women are frowned upon for loss of career chances .older for being too old.Cant win really.I would not say anything to her