To think 42 is too old for a baby?

[UnknownClam]

Posting under a NC for this as I know it might be controversial, but I need to get this off my chest.

A friend of mine has just announced she’s TTC at 42. She already has two DC (youngest is 10) and has suddenly decided she “really wants one last baby.” I know it’s her life, her choice, but I can’t help but feel like it’s too old.

I had my last DC at 38, and even then, I found the sleepless nights brutal. I can’t imagine doing it in my 40s. Also, by the time the child is a teen, she’ll be in her late 50s! And I hate to say it, but the risks of pregnancy complications and things like Down’s syndrome are much higher at that age.

She asked me what I thought, and I just smiled and said, “That’s exciting!” because I didn’t want to be rude. But deep down, I feel like it’s a bit selfish. AIBU? Would love to hear from anyone who had a baby in their 40s how was it?

Be gentle! Not trying to be a cow, just genuinely wondering if I’m the only one who feels this way.

Does it actually matter that much? I’m tipping 40 and I don’t feel like I was much fitter in my 20s. For one thing I drank more, partied more and stayed up much later at that age. I make more sensible choices now. Yes in general you are more likely to get a health condition the older you get but it’s not as if every person in their 20s who is a parent is incredibly fit and healthy.

Hmmmm I think your post has confirmed what I feared other women think. Me and hubby have been together 12 years and never ever planned on having biological kids. We were very open to adoption though.

well here I am at 40, pregnant and terrified. I’m extremely happy, we both are but the fear of not being able to keep up, looking like a granny at the school gates etc has crossed my mind many, many times. Our baby was unplanned.

our baby boy will be here in 7 short weeks. Despite being scared, I am so grateful too. I could never have coped with a baby in my 20’s. I was far too immature and selfish. We are now financially stable, and live much less chaotic lifestyles now.

But I do have to say your post has struck a bit of a nerve. I’m glad not all people think like you, but I suspect many more just don’t admit it

I had one at 22 and one at 32, by the time I was 40 I had split from my kids' father and was on my own with them. As I had complications with my pregnancies in my 20's and 30's I couldn't see myself having a straightforward pregnancy and birth at this point in my life (I'm 43 now). My Mum and Dad had me and my brother between the ages of 23 and 28 so when they were my age I had already left school and my brother was in secondary. If they had another one when they were my age, then they would have been 60 with a child still in full- time education and living at home, and would not have been able to retire or have holidays just the two of them at that point.

Don't be terrified.

You'll be a wonderful mother and many older parents look youthful.

It's also not what most women think. I would never judge an older mum or dad or focus my energy on their life choices.

As long as the kid seems happy and well-cared for, I couldn't care less.

Congratulations and best of luck for the safe arrival of your baby boy.

I had my first at 37 and having an ELCS tomorrow morning at 42! It's been a tough pregnancy for many reasons but not linked to age and now just can't wait to meet our little girl.

I was very much like you describe in my 20's and first half of my 30's. Not that either of us need to justify ourselves to strangers on the Internet.

Please don't be disheartened by posts like this or some of the rude responses - small minded people often feel braver behind a screen and can be so rude and judgemental. Whether more people secretly harbour these thoughts in real life, I don't know, but I do know that the only ones who's opinions should matter are those directly involved with you and your family. Don't let anything on MN cloud your happiness and excitement.

In my area/social circle it's very normal for people to have their first child at 35+ and many are having children into their 40's. Same in the school yard, I would say I'm about average age and never once have I felt mistaken for being a grandmother.
I do actually know one person who I went to school with who became a grandmother at 33 and I would say that drew more gasps than anyone having a baby in their 40's ever has.

Anyway, to each their own I say.

Good luck

She might be a “ younger” 42 than you were at 38. It’s not like she hasn’t had a baby. A 10 year old isn’t so old she won’t remember what is required of her.

The downs thing is only slightly higher and varies from woman to woman: some people have a higher risk in their late 30’s than others in their 40’s.

You sound as though you were a bit ungracious about it.

I don’t think 42 is too old to have a baby but she’s not having a baby, she’s ttc which could take a while then there’s the pregnancy which might make her pushing 44 at the birth. Each to their own, I’m not sure it would be my choice though

I wouldn’t worry. I have older parents as my mother was almost 39 having me. Was never embarrassed by my parents growing up and didn’t notice them as older at all until I was almost an adult myself. I am still very close to my parents . Congrats on your baby boy.

Congratulations!! How far along are you?

also, bet you don’t look like a granny!! Make eye masks your friend ha!

I know several people who had their first at 40 and are thriving. It's so incredibly normal now.

I'm 34 and I am one of the youngest mums at my baby class!

People will always have something to say. If you're young - you should have waited to have a career, a home, money and travelled etc. When you do that ... you're then 'too old'

If you work full time, it's bad. If you work part time and struggle then you shouldn't have had kids if you can't afford them.

People and their opinions on motherhood are impossible.

Ignore these people, enjoy your baby!

My parents were young. It was not good, they were not mature enough or ready and I suffered because of it. Good for you that it worked out, but it's not always best for the children

Congratulations! You must be thrilled.

It's a funny time this late on in pregnancy, isn't it? Things are much more 'real ', hormones are firing in all directions and you really start to wonder if you're up to it. The fact your thinking about it almost certainly means you'll be fine.

It's hard to shut out what people might think when you're feeling a bit vulnerable but honestly, once you have your baby in your arms that all that will fade. Your gorgeous baby will be much more important than the spurious opinions of randoms on a forum.

It's hard work and lots of worry, but that's the same at any age. I'm now 50 with my 3 and a half year old asleep upstairs (finally, after a lot of messing about). What's been hard is what makes it the most rewarding thing I've ever done. He will never doubt how much he's loved and wanted and I think whatever age your parents are, a happy, solid foundation is what helps you become an adjusted and thriving adult. My parents were older and I'm not embarrassed or upset about it, just thankful I had a loving and supportive upbringing. If I look like his granny at the school gates, so what?! We're supposed to embrace all types of families now, aren't we? Can you imagine the uproar on here (rightly so) if anyone made such awful remarks about single parents, same sex parents, disabled parents, adoptive parents etc? There isn't any one right way to be a family, and other people's opinions are just that, opinions not fact.

Wishing you all the best.

It’s because attitudes have changed.

At 38 the local GP was saying it is common to have older parents in our county then just days after turning 43 the private sonographer at a ladies scan starting banging on that there still was a little time and it was intimated one way I might just get rid of a fibroid.

for me, op, the Katie price fertility documentary is one I’ll be most believing.

What do you think granny looks like? Unless you already look like one why would you decide to change the way you look just because you have a child?

Do you think women in their 40s who are grandmothers have a special look?

Id be amazed if anyone bats any eyelid at your age, how would they even know how old you are?

Second this. I’m 34 and the youngest by far at the baby groups I attend, it’s just much more the norm nowadays.

Had my now 2 1/2 year old 41, pregnancy was way better than it was when I had my first at 34, probably because I was a lot fitter. Birth less so, but that was because I had to be induced due to age and other things, was short though and no intervention. We did the NIPT test at 10 weeks to check for any of the trisomies. We were one and done, and then DH had a wobble and said he wanted another, I didn't expect to actually get pregnant If I'm honest due to my age, but fell the first month. Newborns and toddlers are hard work at any age really, I've found it harder because I work full time now in a busy job which can sometimes go into the evenings after the kids are in bed, with my first I was only working 3 days a week. It is weird thinking I'll be entering my 50's with a 9 year old and a 16 year old, but I wouldn't change it.

I had a surprise baby at 42. I think it is too old to be honest, because I'm knackered. Way more knackered than I was with my first ten years ago. She's nearly two though now, so we're getting there. I love her so much too, so she is worth it.

Struck a nerve? Not in the least. I'm also happy with my choices, but I haven't felt the need to tell others why theirs are wrong.

You don't see why this is smug?

I can't imagine being an old mum.

You sound quite immature still, actually.

@DelilahRay , because some posts are ageist.
There was a recent one where the OP grouped everyone over 50 together as one age group.

Each to their own. I don't understand why people get so bothered about other people lifestyle choices.

Mumsnet is an odd place. On this thread, we’re being told that we have to have our children young so that we can be involved in their lives for years and years- how unfair of us to die when they are still young adults. At the same time we are being wildly unreasonable to want to have any involvement in our children’s lives once they are 18-if we see them twice a year we should be grateful.

Because some of us know people who discuss with us TTC in their 40s.

If you had your children in your early 20s, and they're adults, it seems strange when one of your close friends tells you that at 45 she's trying to conceive her first child.

I'm not bothered about it, but I wouldn't recommend it.

I agree with you OP although I’m lucky enough to have been able to have children in my early 30s so maybe I’d feel differently if I was childless and 42. I think your friend is mad though. Why you’d want to go back to the baby years when your youngest is 10 is beyond me, especially when the odds of the pregnancy going wrong or the baby being born with a disability are high. It’s not fair on anyone, especially not the existing children.