To think 42 is too old for a baby?

[UnknownClam]

Posting under a NC for this as I know it might be controversial, but I need to get this off my chest.

A friend of mine has just announced she’s TTC at 42. She already has two DC (youngest is 10) and has suddenly decided she “really wants one last baby.” I know it’s her life, her choice, but I can’t help but feel like it’s too old.

I had my last DC at 38, and even then, I found the sleepless nights brutal. I can’t imagine doing it in my 40s. Also, by the time the child is a teen, she’ll be in her late 50s! And I hate to say it, but the risks of pregnancy complications and things like Down’s syndrome are much higher at that age.

She asked me what I thought, and I just smiled and said, “That’s exciting!” because I didn’t want to be rude. But deep down, I feel like it’s a bit selfish. AIBU? Would love to hear from anyone who had a baby in their 40s how was it?

Be gentle! Not trying to be a cow, just genuinely wondering if I’m the only one who feels this way.

Trying to formulate a diplomatic response and not having a huge amount of success. I will just say that women have been having babies and their 40’s since women have been having babies and just because you couldn’t hack the sleepless nights doesn’t mean no one else can.

It’s not too old. If a woman can get pregnant & give birth, then it’s fine. Yes, it’s riskier. But there’s always risk, with any pregnancy.

Also, if anyone wants to get help / treatment to have baby, when older, that’s fine too. Families are made in different ways.

Yes, exactly. Maybe your friend is way tougher than you, OP?

Yes you are the only one who feels this way. And yes you are a judgemental ‘cow’, in your words.

No it's not too old. It's too old for you (and me), but people are different op, and that's fine.

I think it's too old personally. I have a friend who had started trying for a baby at 40. She has 4 children already, the youngest is 11 and she has a history of pregnancy complications, including 3 full term still births. I disagreed with what she was doing and sadly she went on to miscarry. But it's her life and all I could do was be supportive or at least fake my excitment and be there for her afterwards. I could have advised her not to get pregnant but at the end of the day it's none of my business and if she's really desperate for a baby, then she'll try regardless.

Depends on how old her partner is also. Personally I stopped at 2 DC, last at 36, I definitely couldn’t have dealt with going through the sleepless nights again at 42, health wise and age wise, I feel I would have been ok though, I doubt also that I would have had help from my in-laws with childcare, as they would have been mid 70’s.

I think people are having babies older now in general. I’m 45 and couldn’t hack the sleepless nights either. I do think hormones often have a last hurrah in early 40s and some women become very broody.

my mum was 43 when she had me and 94 when she died, its fine

I had my first (and only) baby at 42. I was very lucky and felt great throughout the pregnancy. The labour was 14 hours + forceps. I had no sleepness nights and DC no serious issues. I love being a mum (DD now 22 and thriving). There are many women like me. Thank goodness we didn't conclude that 42 was too old.

I wouldn't call it selfish, but it would be far too old for me (I'm early 40s).

I struggled enough having a baby in my twenties. I've only got one because it was so challenging. I wouldn't even consider starting that all over again at my age.

I suppose it's up to the individual and how fit and capable they feel, but it sounds dreadful to me!

None of your business really.

I can’t personally see the appeal of ‘starting again’ at that point, but it’s not a particularly unusual age to have a baby.

As for being selfish… depends what she’s like as a parent, and any of us could get ill at any time.

And complications - well, people can test quite extensively now.

100% agree. But the 'I had 4 babies between 43 and 51, and so did everyone I know, and there were ZERO problems with the pregnancy or child' brigade will be here soon to tell you you're 'wrong.'

You are very much being a cow. Lots of people have babies in their forties. Mind your own business. It's her life, and body. Not yours.

I'm 42, nearly 43 and just had my 4th (unplanned) baby. My husband is 53. Tbh it's not as brutal as I thought it would be

I’m 42 and am much fitter and healthier now that I was at 32 so wouldn’t see it being an issue physically.

In general, I think 42 year olds are younger these days compared to what 42 would have looked like when I was a child.

Personally, I wouldn’t want a baby now, but that’s not due to age specifically.

Each to their own!!!!

For me the thought of going back to babies and nappies and teething and sleepless nights when my youngest was 10 would be my idea of hell!!!!!! I wouldn’t have had the energy to do this and combine the needs of my teenager, tweenager and a new baby - but that is me!

If she wants another child and has the time, energy, health and finances to do so - good on her!

Live and let live!

I know it’s her life, her choice

...well just leave it there, then. No-one is making you have a baby in your early 40s, so no problem.

You had your youngest at 38, so by the time they finish school you will be 56 and that's the age my MIL was when she became a grandmother. 🤷‍♀️ different things are right for different people.

For me personally, 40 was my cutoff point for babies but that's easy to say when I had two easy pregnancies at 32 and 34, now pregnant again at 38.

I am 42 and definitely feel that I am too old - there are too many risks and unknowns, I already have 3 teen dc and a lovely life. If I didn’t have any dc my view might be different. I think it’s up to the individual woman, but it’s very important to be aware of the risks and the realities of having dc later in life, even if everything goes well with the pregnancy.

Is there much of an age difference between 38 and 42 though? Yes 25 and 42, but really it’s almost bugger all difference…

For me it's too old, I'm 43 and no way would I want to be dealing with a newborn. For others I wouldn't judge but be secretly glad it wasn't me

It’s selfish because of the age gap, not her age.
Her older kids will want her to be around for fun activities on holidays, help them with their transition to secondary and making GCSE choices, not pushing a pram and changing nappies.

There are some outrageous ideas about older Mums on Mumsnet. As if all women over 40 are decrepit and won't cope.

Women have been having babies in their 40s forever and will continue to do so. You friend is by no means doing anything out of the ordinary.

YABU.

My mother had babies in her 40s it wasn't uncommon in the 50s and 60s for women to carry on having babies into their 40s. . And many people now don't start a family until their late 30s so a 40 year old new mother is not unusual.
I don't think it's selfish some people are much better parents in their 40s than in their 20s.
But ultimately it is her business.

For me, no!! My youngest is 5, I'm 44 and knackered!

I have another 13 years of "parenting" left and no way would I extend that, I want to hang out with my DH and have weekends away and long lunches with him without worrying about childcare and somebody else's needs before ours! I don't mean that in a horrible way.

I do agree with your reasoning but it's not really your concern is it? You won't be dealing with sleepless nights, your friend will.