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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 42 is too old for a baby?

516 replies

UnknownClam · 22/03/2025 13:07

Posting under a NC for this as I know it might be controversial, but I need to get this off my chest.

A friend of mine has just announced she’s TTC at 42. She already has two DC (youngest is 10) and has suddenly decided she “really wants one last baby.” I know it’s her life, her choice, but I can’t help but feel like it’s too old.

I had my last DC at 38, and even then, I found the sleepless nights brutal. I can’t imagine doing it in my 40s. Also, by the time the child is a teen, she’ll be in her late 50s! And I hate to say it, but the risks of pregnancy complications and things like Down’s syndrome are much higher at that age.

She asked me what I thought, and I just smiled and said, “That’s exciting!” because I didn’t want to be rude. But deep down, I feel like it’s a bit selfish. AIBU? Would love to hear from anyone who had a baby in their 40s how was it?

Be gentle! Not trying to be a cow, just genuinely wondering if I’m the only one who feels this way.

OP posts:
eacapade1982 · 22/03/2025 14:51

YABU especially since you had a baby at 38! A fit 42 year old would be able to cope with a baby better than an unfit 38 year old

ilovesushi · 22/03/2025 14:52

Not too old. I would it would be more tiring than if she was in her 20s or 30s, but all doable.

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/03/2025 14:53

I had a baby at 42. I was fit, healthy, easy pregnancy, easy drug free birth. Aside from it being none of your business, it has no impact on your life whatsoever. Leave her be. Oh and to answer your question, my son is now 14 and we have a fab relationship and I still go to the skate park with him (and join in) and support all his hobbies. I’m a lone parent and it’s a privilege.

lifeonmars100 · 22/03/2025 14:54

Her body, her life and her choice. Just because this is not something that you wouldn't do does not mean she shouldn't.

MayaKovskaya · 22/03/2025 14:55

HereintheloveofChristIstand · 22/03/2025 14:47

Even if there is, why upset an otherwise happy family dynamic. Can’t Mum and Dad enjoy family time together?

Edited
Show quote history

I don't know. Why can't they?
My point is that all families are different. It wouldn't suit you, it wouldn't suit the OP and I'm well past it! However, some families enjoy that and don't mind the age gap. Everyone's different.

MayaKovskaya · 22/03/2025 14:55

lifeonmars100 · 22/03/2025 14:54

Her body, her life and her choice. Just because this is not something that you wouldn't do does not mean she shouldn't.

Yes, exactly.

CremeEggThief · 22/03/2025 14:55

Well you're entitled to think and feel what you like, as long as it's not harmful and you don't go round forcing your views on everyone.

From what you have said here, you handled the situation diplomatically and kept your misgivings to yourself, which is the correct way to behave in a situation like this.

namechanged221 · 22/03/2025 14:57

Haha!
I wouldn't exist if it were up to you, as my mother had me at 42.

She managed to bring me up just fine, and also be a fabulous grandmother and babysit all of my children and pick them up from primary school each day?!

Seemed to work out ok for us. 😀

LatteLady · 22/03/2025 15:01

My mother was 42 when she had me, and miscarried after me. There is a 9, 12 and 18 yr gap between me and my siblings. Do I feel short changed by her being older, no; am I unhappy about my childhood, no. To me and to her it was just a curve ball that life threw to her.

Mnetcurious · 22/03/2025 15:04

I agree with you, for all the reasons you have stated. I’m a similar age myself, with teenagers and I would never. I’ve had pangs about it too over the last few years but my rational brain has taken over, I think it’s probably a natural feeling when you come to the end of your fertile years.

It would be a different story if she was childless at that age and had only met the right person later in life. In fact a close friend had her one and only child a couple of years ago at 43 because it just hadn’t happened earlier. But when you already have much older children it’s not fair to them, or to the new baby who will be a different generation to their siblings and have older parents with much less time and energy available for them, having been doing the hard slog of parenting for the previous decade and longer already.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 22/03/2025 15:05

Happywife9 · 22/03/2025 13:45

I did not meet my partner until 35 married at 36
so did not have a choice but to be an ‘older’ mother
i will be introducing my children to a safe loving and financially stable home with two professional parents who have a good support network. We will be able to support them going to private schools, afford to not work full time to support them (and rest) - all would not have been possible if i had a baby when i was younger

you are the same type that would have judged me for having a baby with my abusive partner when i was younger - ‘pick better men to have babies with’.

i have friends who have been ttc since their 20s who are now 40/42 should they just give up so you can sleep at night not worrying about how hard it will be for them

woman cannot win can they?

They can only win if they perform womanhood in the correct way for their era. These days it means being totally career-focused until 32, when you have to flip the switch and become a SAHM, having married no sooner than 28. But you have to keep your hand in with your career and start working three days a week when the baby is a year old. Any sooner and you're a bad mother. Work anymore than three days and you're being selfish. Work any less than three days and you're being lazy.

Basically you've been doing it all wrong, didn't you know?! 😂

UserNow · 22/03/2025 15:09

BatchCookBabe · 22/03/2025 13:52

It's not about a woman being decrepit in in her 40s, or about a woman of 43-44 'not coping' with a baby.

It's about thinking ahead ... And the fact that when she is 60, the child will still be at school.

If a woman already has children, whose ages are in double figures (like the OP) she is basically spending 35-40 years raising children.

She will almost certainly be the main carer and nurturer, of said new baby, and any career she may have been able to go back to, or adult social life, is extinguished.

Menopause fucks you up. She will have a primary school age child when she is going through menopause, and a teenager at nearly 60! The teenage years are brutal for parents. Who the fuck wants to be dealing with that at 60?

And you'll be trailing around universities, and running them around like a chauffeur and personal servant in your mid 60s! Children are living at home a lot longer these days. You will very likely still have a child living at home when you're 70!

There is a strong chance that she is setting her new baby up for a life of being a carer when they're only in their 20s/early 30s, or being motherless before they leave their 30s.

She will very likely never get to see that baby's children.

The baby is far more likely to have problems, and health issues, with a mum who is her mid 40s when its born.

The woman is put way more at risk having a baby past 42-43, than under 40.

Seriously, open your mind, and your eyes, and think outside the box!

Show quote history

Your post is the one not thinking outside the box.

By the time she's 60, the child will presumably be headed off to uni. Some women manage careers and children and sail through menopause. I had my children younger than that, but I'm 60, my parents and in-laws are all fit, active, healthy, and we're all financially fortunate enough to afford care should it be needed. We could easily have managed a baby at 42, sleepless nights and all.

And this
She will very likely never get to see that baby's children.
is absolutely beyond bonkers

Why are so many people on MN old before their time?

MayaKovskaya · 22/03/2025 15:12

I don't know, @UserNow . I'm nearly 66, still working, very active and more than capable of looking after my toddler great nephew!
I always think that these things are just really about how you manage as a family, and what works for you.

Neemie · 22/03/2025 15:12

I have read that the risks associated with having a baby once you are over 35yrs are the equivalent to having a baby with a first cousin. So long as people are aware of the risks, it is up to them.

HomeBodyClub · 22/03/2025 15:13

It would be far too old for me but it seems the norm to start having babies in your 40s. I had my first at 19!

LazyArsedMagician · 22/03/2025 15:15

It would be too old for me. I'm 42 and have three teens.

My sister however, is 40 and pregnant with her second. Her other child is only 3. Maybe she'll want another one when the new baby is a toddler, I don't know, but it's her life to lead not mine.

EdithBond · 22/03/2025 15:16

Early 40s, easy conception snd home birth. Plenty of energy for a baby and toddler. Chilled life in late 50s with a teen. Get on well. Depends on overall health, energy and outlook on life.

PlasticBags · 22/03/2025 15:16

UserNow · 22/03/2025 15:09

Your post is the one not thinking outside the box.

By the time she's 60, the child will presumably be headed off to uni. Some women manage careers and children and sail through menopause. I had my children younger than that, but I'm 60, my parents and in-laws are all fit, active, healthy, and we're all financially fortunate enough to afford care should it be needed. We could easily have managed a baby at 42, sleepless nights and all.

And this
She will very likely never get to see that baby's children.
is absolutely beyond bonkers

Why are so many people on MN old before their time?

Show quote history

Yes, I e often wondered about the ‘old before their time’ thing. There seem to be a disproportionate number of rather negative, misanthropic types who find any interaction with the outside world difficult on Mn, so perhaps that contributes?

Sakura7 · 22/03/2025 15:19

UserNow · 22/03/2025 15:09

Your post is the one not thinking outside the box.

By the time she's 60, the child will presumably be headed off to uni. Some women manage careers and children and sail through menopause. I had my children younger than that, but I'm 60, my parents and in-laws are all fit, active, healthy, and we're all financially fortunate enough to afford care should it be needed. We could easily have managed a baby at 42, sleepless nights and all.

And this
She will very likely never get to see that baby's children.
is absolutely beyond bonkers

Why are so many people on MN old before their time?

Show quote history

What that poster describes literally happened to me.

My parents were fine at 60, but 5-10 years later they really were not.

theriseandfallofFranklinSaint · 22/03/2025 15:19

These threads are weekly ATM!

Housebuyingfamily · 22/03/2025 15:19

BatchCookBabe · 22/03/2025 13:17

100% agree. But the 'I had 4 babies between 43 and 51, and so did everyone I know, and there were ZERO problems with the pregnancy or child' brigade will be here soon to tell you you're 'wrong.'

Edited

And here comes the “got knocked up at 24 and essentially had no youth but definitely don’t regret a thing, honest” brigade 🤣

Butchyrestingface · 22/03/2025 15:20

Would love to hear from anyone who had a baby in their 40s how was it?

Why? You're not planning on having a baby yourself so why does it matter how anyone else found the experience?

I'm not planning to paint my living room in red, white and blue so I don't GAF about what it was like for any friends of strangers who've done it.

LouisaPesel · 22/03/2025 15:20

*Menopause fucks you up. She will have a primary school age child when she is going through menopause, and a teenager at nearly 60! The teenage years are brutal for parents.

Menopause didn't "fuck" me - or many women - up. I didn't find the teenage years "brutal" at all - they were fun. Some of you seem mentally and physically fragile.

Funnywonder · 22/03/2025 15:20

How about minding your own effing business and accepting that everyone is different? Your friend wants a baby. You don't. So don't have one.

CurlewKate · 22/03/2025 15:22

@UnknownClamI had my first at 38-and my second at 41. AMA!