To think 42 is too old for a baby?

[UnknownClam]

Posting under a NC for this as I know it might be controversial, but I need to get this off my chest.

A friend of mine has just announced she’s TTC at 42. She already has two DC (youngest is 10) and has suddenly decided she “really wants one last baby.” I know it’s her life, her choice, but I can’t help but feel like it’s too old.

I had my last DC at 38, and even then, I found the sleepless nights brutal. I can’t imagine doing it in my 40s. Also, by the time the child is a teen, she’ll be in her late 50s! And I hate to say it, but the risks of pregnancy complications and things like Down’s syndrome are much higher at that age.

She asked me what I thought, and I just smiled and said, “That’s exciting!” because I didn’t want to be rude. But deep down, I feel like it’s a bit selfish. AIBU? Would love to hear from anyone who had a baby in their 40s how was it?

Be gentle! Not trying to be a cow, just genuinely wondering if I’m the only one who feels this way.

Aye, she asked you what you thought. None of your business. Absolutely none of your business.

Exactly. I know there can be an urge for one last hurrah in your early 40s, and a maternal feeling kicks in as you're just about to go down the road of no longer being able to conceive naturally... But it's best resisted. (IMO.) For many reasons........... That have been listed by many posters on this thread, including me. (Especially if you already have children.)

Well, it’s not really fair to make a sweeping statement that it’s not a good idea.

some will be absolutely fine.

I had my 2nd at 39 and I’m 45 now. I really found it incredibly exhausting, far harder than my first in terms of energy etc. absolutely not a chance I’d have another in my 40s.

I agree. It's a legendary fallacy. It's nigh on impossible to naturally conceive past the age of 45 and even more impossible to carry a healthy pregnancy to full term and give birth to a live healthy baby. Let alone do it again afterwards (as that poster suggested as she said babies - plural)

All women are different and have different pregnancies and experiences of raising children. Also different menopauses! It's not a yes/no, or aibu situation. Some women are great mums at 45, terrible at 25, and vice versa.

But aside from the fact of having a baby at 42, I would think more about being 60 with an 18 year old

And why is that?

If she asked you what you thought in a genuine way and not just an excited seeking validation way, it would have been good if you could have asked her if she was sure and, if it seemed welcome, recount your experience at 38. You can do it in a way that isn’t judgmental of her decision, just giving her more data, aware that your experience isn’t universal and you can still support whatever decision she makes.

I agree with pp that women have been having babies into their 40s for a long time. But also that, physically, it is different from (worse than) having them younger and women need to be aware of that.

I had kids at 40. I found younger years utterly exhausting. They are still in school and both DH and I have recently had serious health issues - ones that are typical for people in their 50s. It’s not ideal and I wouldn’t recommend it as a plan. On the other hand, it’s not like, once you hit 40, you could just turn the clock back to have them younger.

How is it selfish? I wonder if you are a bit jealous OP?

Do I personally feel it’s too old? Yes, I wouldn’t have any more children now and I’m 39.

Do I feel I need to share this opinion with friends of mine who decide it IS for them? No. It’s entirely up to them and fairly common.

You’re making it out like there’s 20 years difference between 38 and 42. What’s 3 or 4 years? You’re also going to be late 50’s when your child is in their late teens. So why make a post about your friend being late 50’s when their child will be in their teens.

I fully understand once you’re in your 40’s the risks do increase, but it’s each to their own.

One of the mums in a group I hung out with during one of dc’s ECA’s was very vocal about getting pregnant after the age of 30
her last pregnancy was at age 29 and that was enough for her

Just because you can’t hack it doesn’t mean others can’t
People have different strengths to you and to think every woman is the same is incredibly rude

I had a baby in my forties and I think it is definitely worth it, but yes it also comes with difficulties. Is the timing ideal? No, I won’t pretend it is. Does that mean it’s overall a bad idea? Not necessarily at all. If you are able to have a baby younger then that is better timing, so if I already had two I am not sure I would go for a third in my forties. That said if your friend has two she already knows what she is letting herself in for and will probably take it in her stride. While the risks of Down’s syndrome are higher, most children with Down’s syndrome are born to younger mothers just because statistically more younger women have children.

Each to their own it's nothing to do with you.

People can do whatever they want, OP @UnknownClam

hth

A natural consequence of doing the 'right' thing and waiting until you are financially stable, established in a career etc. etc. as we tell women these days is the simply fact that we delay pregnancies accordingly. So many more women than ever before having babies over 40, with all the potential problems that brings.

You can't have it all. Either less stable and established but babies at a 'better' age or very stable and established and over 40. Which would you prefer?

Can’t understand how you think someone ttc 3 - 4 years later than you is selfish…

I doubt very much the OP is 'jealous' of a 42yr old planning a pregnancy.... What on earth kind of parallel universe are we living in? We can deny it all we like - but 42 is bloody OLD for a baby !!! I'm in my late 30s and I feel ancient to think about being pregnant again. Not ancient in general, but definitely ancient to have a baby !

It would be for me, just because I’ve raised my children and have other priorities now. But not everyone is the same and that’s what makes the world go round.

To a degree I think your opinion depends on when you started your own family. I had mine young and I had four. At 48 I can’t now imagine having a toddler/preschooler because my eldest will be 27 this year. I think 40s are quite late to have a baby but if you are in the throes of having younger children about it may not feel too old.

If your friend became pregnant by accident that is one thing, it happens and generally turns out well, the baby is cherished. My mum was born as the youngest of ten by five years when her mother was forty two and she was spoilt rotten.

However I do not understand why a woman of 42 is trying to conceive when she already has quite big children.

We all, or many of us, go through phases of being broody and fixated on having another baby for a while, but generally common sense prevails. The phase passes and they are glad they didn't.

There's nothing you can do. Your friend may not become pregnant, wait and see and be a good, supportive friend whatever happens.

It’s actually nothing to do with you. Your post smacks of jealousy in all honesty. I was almost 42 when I had my DD so I “kindly” say wind your neck in and stop being ageist and judgmental.

I had my youngest at 42. All good - keeps me young. DC does have older siblings (and nieces and nephews who are not much younger) so fits somewhere in the middle and has had lots of love, teasing and arguing plus will go to adult siblings for advice

I mean, before contraception people had babies until they ran out of steam, meaning that the past is chockful of women who had babies in their early forties. Many women can still have babies at 41 and 42, and 43 is still very possible, although there are quite a bit fewer who are capable at 43. It's not rare, though. Then you hear of cases where people have babies 44-50, although most women won't be able to. Hell, I even know one woman who got pregnant at 50 recently. although she miscarried at 4 months, sadly.

So no, your friend is not too old. If she feels in good health, why not? She could live to be ninety. And if not, at least the baby will have older siblings. He or she won't be alone in the world if the parents die youngish.

I say, get her best sexy lingerie on, grab a bottle of wine, and let the sexy times roll! 😂

Even if there is, why upset an otherwise happy family dynamic. Can’t Mum and Dad enjoy family time together?

To each their own.

It would be too old for me personally to start trying for a first baby but I think it’s quite normal to be having third/fourth/etc babies into your 40s..