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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 42 is too old for a baby?

516 replies

UnknownClam · 22/03/2025 13:07

Posting under a NC for this as I know it might be controversial, but I need to get this off my chest.

A friend of mine has just announced she’s TTC at 42. She already has two DC (youngest is 10) and has suddenly decided she “really wants one last baby.” I know it’s her life, her choice, but I can’t help but feel like it’s too old.

I had my last DC at 38, and even then, I found the sleepless nights brutal. I can’t imagine doing it in my 40s. Also, by the time the child is a teen, she’ll be in her late 50s! And I hate to say it, but the risks of pregnancy complications and things like Down’s syndrome are much higher at that age.

She asked me what I thought, and I just smiled and said, “That’s exciting!” because I didn’t want to be rude. But deep down, I feel like it’s a bit selfish. AIBU? Would love to hear from anyone who had a baby in their 40s how was it?

Be gentle! Not trying to be a cow, just genuinely wondering if I’m the only one who feels this way.

OP posts:
dickdarstardlymuttley · 22/03/2025 14:10

My granny was having babies in her 50s 😬

Iwiicit · 22/03/2025 14:11

Yes you are absolutely being a judgemental cow. It's none of your business and with friends like you, who needs enemies? Go and find something constructive to occupy your time.

Sosoftandfluffycat · 22/03/2025 14:11

Error

WobblyBoots · 22/03/2025 14:11

BatchCookBabe · 22/03/2025 13:52

It's not about a woman being decrepit in in her 40s, or about a woman of 43-44 'not coping' with a baby.

It's about thinking ahead ... And the fact that when she is 60, the child will still be at school.

If a woman already has children, whose ages are in double figures (like the OP) she is basically spending 35-40 years raising children.

She will almost certainly be the main carer and nurturer, of said new baby, and any career she may have been able to go back to, or adult social life, is extinguished.

Menopause fucks you up. She will have a primary school age child when she is going through menopause, and a teenager at nearly 60! The teenage years are brutal for parents. Who the fuck wants to be dealing with that at 60?

And you'll be trailing around universities, and running them around like a chauffeur and personal servant in your mid 60s! Children are living at home a lot longer these days. You will very likely still have a child living at home when you're 70!

There is a strong chance that she is setting her new baby up for a life of being a carer when they're only in their 20s/early 30s, or being motherless before they leave their 30s.

She will very likely never get to see that baby's children.

The baby is far more likely to have problems, and health issues, with a mum who is her mid 40s when its born.

The woman is put way more at risk having a baby past 42-43, than under 40.

Seriously, open your mind, and your eyes, and think outside the box!

Show quote history

Patronising much 😂

Newcareerat50 · 22/03/2025 14:13

My now 8 year old was born when I was 42 and she is a treasure. I’m grateful every day.

Shubbypubby · 22/03/2025 14:14

For me personally as I had mine in my 20s or 30s but no I do not judge others. I known friends have their first kid 40s and I was nothing but happy for them.

Wednesdaysotherchild · 22/03/2025 14:14

YABVU - I say this as I sit here nursing my 2 month old aged 42!

BatchCookBabe · 22/03/2025 14:15

Sakura7 · 22/03/2025 13:57

I absolutely hate that phrase "age is just a number".

No, it is not. Chances of poor health and death increase as we age. Some people will get lucky and live to their 80s-90s but many won't.

I had to become the carer to my parents when I was very young myself, and it massively impacted the life I was able to have and the opportunities I could (or rather couldn't) take. I was always out of sync with my friends. While they were able to be young and carefree, travel, work abroad, etc, I had to deal with things like dementia, hospitals and nursing homes.

Will this happen to everyone? No. But it is a possibility and if it happens it's an awful scenario for the child.

Show quote history

This. ^ Good post! What happened to you is far more likely to happen than not, if parents are mid 40s when the child is born. I can't believe I'm having to explain it FGS!

Notsandwiches · 22/03/2025 14:15

I had two children in my early 40s. I am a good mum and my children are doing well.

JulesJules · 22/03/2025 14:17

Riaanna · 22/03/2025 13:59

Worthwhile.

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Well honestly. The OP thinks 38 is fine, 42 is not. Ridiculous

BatchCookBabe · 22/03/2025 14:17

dickdarstardlymuttley · 22/03/2025 14:10

My granny was having babies in her 50s 😬

Was she though? More likely that any baby she had was a baby of a younger family member.. Probably a teen niece or teen daughter of hers. Happened a LOT back in the day - pre 1980s. Very unlikely she was having babies in her 50s. The chance of a woman carrying a baby to full term in her 50s is less than 1%, and the chances of conceiving is pretty much that too. Seriously. You really think your granny was having babies in her 50s? 😆

Staceysmum2025 · 22/03/2025 14:18

No good comparing times where women died at 50 and were still having baby’s until 49.
Nobody had any quality of life at that time, so I suppose they were none the worst OFF for it
Expectations have changed massively over even the last 20 years.
Anybody considering more than one child needs to consider carefully these days the cost is just outrageous.

BatchCookBabe · 22/03/2025 14:19

WobblyBoots · 22/03/2025 14:11

Patronising much 😂

Show quote history

You're welcome. Smile I am here to educate. 😆

BatchCookBabe · 22/03/2025 14:19

Staceysmum2025 · 22/03/2025 14:18

No good comparing times where women died at 50 and were still having baby’s until 49.
Nobody had any quality of life at that time, so I suppose they were none the worst OFF for it
Expectations have changed massively over even the last 20 years.
Anybody considering more than one child needs to consider carefully these days the cost is just outrageous.

Good points. ^

Though, as I said, some of these women 'having babies' at 48-54-ish, were actually taking on younger family members children. Not many people said much about it, as it happened so often!

EsmeSusanOgg · 22/03/2025 14:21

imip · 22/03/2025 13:20

Is there much of an age difference between 38 and 42 though? Yes 25 and 42, but really it’s almost bugger all difference…

I'm smack between the two (40). Seriously, very little difference between 38 and 42.

Fifiesta · 22/03/2025 14:22

I was born 60+ years ago to a mother aged 44 and a father aged 52, I was their last child in a large family, but with a huge gap.
Personally I would have much preferred having parents in the normal age range, in those days my friends parents were mostly in their 20’s -30’s.
Things have changed and parents have children later.
It is still a big question, but one only individual parents can decide.
I just hope that they do their research thoroughly.

Sakura7 · 22/03/2025 14:23

WobblyBoots · 22/03/2025 14:11

Patronising much 😂

Show quote history

Really don't understand how that post is patronising? These are all factors that should be considered.

The fact that very few people want to consider them is a whole other point.

MayaKovskaya · 22/03/2025 14:24

HereintheloveofChristIstand · 22/03/2025 13:20

It’s selfish because of the age gap, not her age.
Her older kids will want her to be around for fun activities on holidays, help them with their transition to secondary and making GCSE choices, not pushing a pram and changing nappies.

Why can't she do both? Isn't there a Dad to share that load with?

Riaanna · 22/03/2025 14:24

Iwiicit · 22/03/2025 14:11

Yes you are absolutely being a judgemental cow. It's none of your business and with friends like you, who needs enemies? Go and find something constructive to occupy your time.

Bit extreme.

BatchCookBabe · 22/03/2025 14:26

Sakura7 · 22/03/2025 14:23

Really don't understand how that post is patronising? These are all factors that should be considered.

The fact that very few people want to consider them is a whole other point.

Edited
Show quote history

Thanks Sakura. Smile

Riaanna · 22/03/2025 14:26

MayaKovskaya · 22/03/2025 14:24

Why can't she do both? Isn't there a Dad to share that load with?

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it’s not about two parents. It’s about doing stuff as a family. I’ve got an 8 and 11 year old. We go to the movies, restaurants, holidays where we can swim and relax. None of those would be doable with a baby / toddler. It’s a total shift in dynamic.

Littlemisscapable · 22/03/2025 14:27

Have you just found mumsnet? ...this topic is discussed constantly.and the general consensus is if you are lucky enough to get pregnant then enjoy ! I had a baby at 41 and it was better than when I had one at 31. Just live your life.

Iamnotalemming · 22/03/2025 14:27

YABU.

MayaKovskaya · 22/03/2025 14:28

Riaanna · 22/03/2025 14:26

it’s not about two parents. It’s about doing stuff as a family. I’ve got an 8 and 11 year old. We go to the movies, restaurants, holidays where we can swim and relax. None of those would be doable with a baby / toddler. It’s a total shift in dynamic.

Show quote history

No, that's not my point. She was talking about being limited by pushing a pram and changing nappies. I was saying that could be shared with the dad.

Scorpion84 · 22/03/2025 14:28

I'm really conflicted with this

had my first at 28 with no issues

then experienced secondary infertility/ recurrent miscarriages meaning I had my second age 37 with a big age gap

Im 40 now and feeling broody and im
just trying to ride it out as I can't understand why I want to roll the dice again with everything I've been through.

I believe it's common in their 40s to get this urge due to hormones . If I'm honest for me personally 40 does feel too old and I actually feel 37 was too but Mother Nature didn't leave me with any Choice .

in an 'ideal world ' I wouldn't of had children past 35.