DH walking ahead

[Angelofmycoins]

Been married for 16 year and I'd say for the 17 years I've know DH he has always walked ahead of me in public and not looked back to see if I'm still with him.

Theatre (tonight's experience), airport, train station, town.... he will very, very occasionally come on a dog walk and then we chat and stroll. But otherwise, its just me scurrying along trying not to loose him and looking at his back. He's about 6 paces in front and he never looks back.

If I get next to him, he'll cross the road at no given notice, nip into gaps between people trying to get in front of them. Then i can't follow without pushing them out of the way, and I've lost him again.

I really hate it, I can't chat to him, ask if I can pop in to a coffee shop, anything. Sometimes I don't even know what he's heading for.

I do have form for being unreasonable (according to him, its my default mode!). But on this..... how many would put up with this habitual walking ahead and leaving wife scurrying behind trying not to be left?

XP did this. Was on the spectrum. With him he used the excuse 'I need to walk at the same speed as the dog.' Fine on a dog walk (if unnecessary, tell the dog to walk slower) but when out without the dog?

I used to go into shops or wander off somewhere nice. Eventually my phone would ring - 'where are you?' Well, if you walked WITH me you'd know, wouldn't you?

It wasn't deliberate. he just didn't consider me at all.

I feel your pain. The only answer is to deliberately loose him and pretend your so upset you needed to go into the nearest cafe for tea and cake to cheer yourself up. The most expensive cake available. If he keeps doing it escalate to wine bars and buy something expensive off the menu to go with your favourite tipple. Get an Uber home. Make sure it’s all on the joint account.

Pretty much. Reading about a woman who’s whole life is going to be ruined at the hands of an inadequate and therefore horribly abusive man is fucking depressing.

I get it, my DH does similar, except he will start off walking beside me and slowly drift so if I don’t go behind him he’s walked into me. He has zero spatial awareness and will do the same with our daughter. We both call him out on it and he then tries again to walk beside us but we end up having to make an evasive manoeuvre to avoid being stepped on.

This won’t work with an abusive man.

My thoughts as well (not just Saudi), but not sure if I was allowed to post it

God. My abusive ex used to do this to me all the time. March off and leave me trailing behind him with the kids. If I said anything I was always in the wrong obviously.

I remember the night we took DS2 home from hospital, I was 3 days post emergency c-section and hobbling down the corridor (no pain relief because the midwifes were so busy they kept forgetting), as he marched off carrying the baby without even looking back at me. The midwives noticed I was struggling and got me a wheelchair eventually.

When I started crying and tried to explain why it had upset me, he got really angry and shouted at me all the way home in the car, then stood over me shouting as I sobbed and tried to breastfeed newborn DS. When I struggled to let down any milk because I was in such a state by that point, he started yelling at me that I was failing as a mum and letting both him and my baby down.

It's quite an extreme example, but it's something I'll never forgive or forget.

Cryingathtegym my ex husband did the same, walked off carrying our baby from the maternity unit and left me trailing behind carrying my cases-post section…angry at myself 25 years later for tolerating this kind of behaviour

My ex used to do this...it's fucking annoying and I wouldn't tolerate from a new partner.

I have a friend who does this too and it drives me up the wall. I just go at my own pace now and she will eventually turn back and realise I’m not there so has to retrace her steps. I think it’s ignorant to be honest. It spoils the enjoyment of the day as, like you say, it’s impossible to chat when they’re steaming on ahead isn’t it

OP, is your husband always right, prone to angry outbursts when vexed/disobeyed, very keen on appearances ie everyone has to appear to be perfect to the outside world, does he change what he’s said to make him look correct ie he’ll pretended he didn’t say something when you know he did (aka gaslighting)? Does he make you feel like you’re always in the wrong, never listen, incompetent and generally an awful person?

Walking ahead is a classic narcissist thing to do.

From your post I’d say you may be married to a narcissist. The arguing with the therapist is a good indicator. I bet she was challenging his behaviour. Sensitivity to critiscism is also a classic sign of narcissism. He may be overt (grandiose, look at me sort) or covert (woe is me, why is everyone so mean to me type). Neither is curable and both can be impossible to live with. Narcs can’t improve because as far as they’re concerned there’s nothing wrong with them so there’s nothing to fix.

Get on google and see if you are dealing with a narc. The only real way to properly improve things is to leave.

My ex used to do that, said it was because he walked faster than me. No answer when I asked him if that was the case, how he always maintained the same distance between us, as surely if he was walking faster, the distance between us would grow bigger? Boiled down to control. Controlled speed, direction etc. Twat.

Anxiety is quite a big thing and if he doesn’t even recognize he has some, he would never ever be able to see that he is acting irrationally. For him, there is reasons to his actions and he will get mad for you not « knowing better » meaning having the same anxiety than him.

he treats you bad and you should seek marital guidance again if you are not going anymore. The fact that you don’t earn money is a difficulty for you in this scenario as he has way too much you need him for and he, maybe, doesn’t feel the same…

I explained to my much taller husband that he blocked my view if he was in front. He now always lets me go first, as do if children or anyone shorter than me is with us on a scenic walk. I can't believe how many tandem bike riders we see with tall man in the front seat breezing along whilst female sits behind with a fabulous view of his back. Fortunately my DH is empathetic and doesn't need to go first to massage his male ego. Maybe take mobile footage of what is happening when he strides out in front so he can actually see the situation even if he can't naturally Intuit it? Some men really do make me despair.

My ex husband was like this and I would just go in a shop or sit down and wait for him to come back bollocks to following behind

Depends - do you walk dead slow? I get irritated with slow walkers so would walk on ahead.

on the other hand - my ex used to do this (and I don’t walk slow obviously!) so one time I simply abandoned him in the city centre. Would love to have seen his stupid face when he finally realised I was no longer there. He kept calling me and texting asking where I was and I just ignored him. Next saw him again a few hours later at home - he walked in all flustered saying he was so worried and I was incredibly out of order to do that to him. I told him if he’d walked WITH me it wouldn’t have happened. He never did it again.

My DP does this. I absolutely hate it with a passion. Doesn't matter how many times I've told him how shit it makes me feel 9 times out of 10 he still does it. Got to me more when DD arrived. His answer is simply I don't walk as fast as him.

No reasonable person would put up with this! Why on earth do you need his permission to pop into a shop? Just go, when he looks round - tough shit. Don’t kowtow to him and his demands. He’s showing you how much he thinks of you!

My DH does this! I often stop and see how long it takes for him to notice! I’ve often said I could fall over and he wouldn’t notice! He does notice and laughs and waits for me then holds my hand and very sarcastically walks very slowly which results in me offering to thump him, there’s no malice he’s just faster at walking than me!

Of course you can! You have posted here because you know you’re not being treated right - why put up with it when you know you’re being treated cruelly? From what you’ve gone on to say, him walking ahead is the least of your issues. He screams at you in public about minor points, and doesn’t came about your feelings.

The worst thing is that he’s bringing your children into it and slagging you off to them. Why stay with someone like this? What do you get from the relationship? And why do you want your children to think that this is how a woman should be treated?

Grow up and get rid - no one said it’s gonna be easy but it’s better than living with a selfish dickhead.

He is abusive.
It is the action of a man who wants to grind you down and humiliate you.

Please contact Women's aid for advice and support.
This is deliberate.
Your poor children.

Id just jet him walk off and wait for me, and I'd make him wait by stopping and looking in a shop, or getting a cup of coffee or something.

I saw a older man doing this to his wife earlier near where I live. He kept pace with me and left her ages behind. I gave him a dirty look and sped off, but held my tongue. It's a narcissistic thing and I worried I might make things worse for his wife if I said something. It's ridiculous and done by man babies in my experience.

Your partner should want to be with you chatting and observing. With him also negging you I do think he may have narcissistic traits. Maybe do some research into narcissism in relationships.

You do have a choice to leave him. Things can always be worked out. If it is financial then are you able to work?

This. ^