DH walking ahead

[Angelofmycoins]

Been married for 16 year and I'd say for the 17 years I've know DH he has always walked ahead of me in public and not looked back to see if I'm still with him.

Theatre (tonight's experience), airport, train station, town.... he will very, very occasionally come on a dog walk and then we chat and stroll. But otherwise, its just me scurrying along trying not to loose him and looking at his back. He's about 6 paces in front and he never looks back.

If I get next to him, he'll cross the road at no given notice, nip into gaps between people trying to get in front of them. Then i can't follow without pushing them out of the way, and I've lost him again.

I really hate it, I can't chat to him, ask if I can pop in to a coffee shop, anything. Sometimes I don't even know what he's heading for.

I do have form for being unreasonable (according to him, its my default mode!). But on this..... how many would put up with this habitual walking ahead and leaving wife scurrying behind trying not to be left?

My husband would say the same but the reason it’s upsetting is that he either doesn’t notice I’m not with him or it doesn’t matter to him that I’m not, as in clearly spending the time / having conversation with me isn’t something he’s bothered about. It’s also humiliating when other people see it and obviously feel sorry for me. Doors slamming in my face etc. Particularly other men that you can tell wouldn’t do it. So yes, he’s a faster walker.

My DAunt always used to say she felt like the Empress of Japan when walking with DUncle. Always 10 steps behind.

Mine has said this too. Luckily our sons, when growing up, tended to notice and one of them naturally hung back with me, and one went with their dad. I quite liked that as it was nice to have one on one conversations with them, and I'm sure he (and they) liked the male bonding. They'd swap over sometimes. I suppose we'd just slowly slipped into doing things that way as part of parenting, as DS2 was a very difficult baby and toddler so we tended to have a child each when out as a family of 4.

It just became more of an issue when we were out on our own for a meal out, I think he'd just forgotten how to walk slower (he is tall and so has long legs), so he'd end up a few paces in front with me struggling to keep up. I told him it pissed me off and he just used to say "that's my natural walking pace." He's also had to keep up a quick pace for certain work activities too so just isn't used to strolling I suppose.

It was just so different to how he was before the kids were born when we'd naturally keep the same pace as each other. was just at the point where I'd decided that the next time he did it I'd deliberately just not go round the corner and I'd pop into a shop or something. It was just embarrassing having to scuttle along behind him. Really embarrassing.

He made a bit of an effort but it annoyed me having to keep reminding him. Things have improved the last couple of years now the kids are living at separate unis so when we go out together as a 4 now, our 2 sons are walking ahead chatting about whatever they chat about, and DH has had to stay with me. Not that he's not happy about that, we both enjoy chatting to each other, and he has re-learned to walk at a pace I can manage.

So there may be hope, OP. Although, to be fair, as I said, DH didn't always walk ahead of me. If your other half always had, I'm not sure how he's going to change now.

Actually I think I'd do more of the deliberately hanging back thing, pop into a shop, have a bit of a flirt with another customer or the man serving, in fact chat to anyone I think it would be quite satisfying having him come and look for me and find me chatting to a fit man....😆

You’ve described my partner. Exactly the same. I’ve ended up going off home alone from the other side of the street when he’s just taken off. I’ve called him out on it continually but it still happens. I’ll even trot ahead of him and kind of block him from passing me.

Really annoying. I had an ex who did it. It made me feel crap

Dh does the same. I'm his case it's ADHD. He can't wait for things. He leaves at the last minute because being there early might mean he'd have to wait for a train or wait for something to start. He can't wait for me either. He doesn't notice that I'm not keeping up because his head is elsewhere. If I call him out on it I'm unreasonable. It really puts me off doing things with him. He can't understand why I won't go for a walk with him.

Yeah, that's annoying because there's no shared enjoyment of, say, a beautiful view around a bend on a walk.

Can you give us one really convincing reason why you can't?

You know the reality is that you can and probably should, but it all seems difficult right now and you will need real world help to get there.

Get the car key off him or get a spare or you drive. Have your own ticket for the show/train. He isn't going to change now so you have to control what you can. If you have the car key he won't be dashing off. Who has the house key, him? Make a point of going into shops or just stopping. If he wanders off let him and go to the destination on your own.

You clearly don’t like each other. If you’re not going to leave him, at least stop going out with him? Just live separate lives from the same house if you can’t actually leave, at least you might enjoy yourself a bit more. I find this situation mind boggling.

@Angelofmycoins , I’m 62 in April and my husband and I have been together a very, very long time. We’ve had some turbulent times along the way. What we’ve found helpful is finding a time in the day to talk. A time where we can express our happiness at our partner but also those things which we’ve found difficult. We’ve found it much more helpful to never be cross in these discussions but to really calmly help our partner understand how we feel perhaps in response to things they do and it is also helpful to suggest ways that they could behave which we’d find much more pleasant.
Really this doesn’t have to take long although initially it may take longer but it is the most healing thing my husband and I have ever done for our relationship. Good luck!

What an awful human !
How can any person speak like that to another..x
Thankfully he is your Ex , can’t imagine someone like that ever being happy ..

When my Dad did this, my mum, brother and I used to cross the road and he took a while to notice we'd gone.

Rude in the extreme. As a disabled person with quite bad mobility issues,I get this a lot. There are 2 particular friends of mine,who are lovely in every other way,but they drive me mad by keep walking off ahead of me. I'm constantly apologising for being slow and they always say 'Its fine,you walk at your own speed,'. Admittedly they do stop and wait for me every now and then, but it annoys me that I'm just watching their retreating back instead of being able to talk to them! I did get seriously pissed off with an exB who kept doing this,but worse still, racing off ahead and crossing busy roads without me. Maybe I'm being feeble,but I think it's bad manners if you're walking with someone who has a disability to just rush ahead to cross the road,and leave them standing waiting to cross while you you are safely on the other side.

My husband used to fo this while myself and our three children scurried behind him. Notice he’s my ex. Dreadful to do that. Shows complete lack of respect.

Next time he does it, where ever you are or going to, let him get far infront then turn round and go home, he won't even notice.
What a rude inconsiderate prick

My husband is like that, he's 100% on the spectrum. Sometimes it's hard to say whether a person is autistic or just a twat though

SAME! Thought I was the only one who felt like this. My DH does this! I’ll be struggling with the baby in the pram and our 4 year old DD and he’ll be like 5 miles down the road, sometimes won’t even tell me where he’s going, or for what reason!

WHY?!

Yanbu.

DH walks very quickly, I walk fairly slowly. When out together he walks at my pace…. he can slow down, I can’t speed up!
If he accidentally speeds up, I remind him and he slows down again.

It's a Man Thing. DH does it, his dad did it, my dad did it... occasionally I just stop and wait to see how long it is before DH will notice I'm not there. And sometimes I've genuinely not seen where he's gone.

(Contrary to what some posters say, he's not a horrible man, I'm not going to LTB...)

In the last couple of years of his life, FIL wasn't well, and MIL used to walk ahead and not wait for him. He complained most bitterly!

Live ur own life and let him walk ahead but alone. I couldn't tolerate this.

Oh my god - my husband did this and it infuriated me. The last straw (amongst others) was when he did this to me when we were walking around New York and I was so upset. He found it hilarious - darting across roads leaving me on my own

we split up very soon - shows a lack of care and consideration and actually arrogance!!

Ffs, OP, leave him.

Walk off in the opposite direction and find a different cafe/taxi home/bus/ theatre. Say nothing. What a rude man.