Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Son's girlfriend and argument.

243 replies

DancesLikeAFairy · 21/03/2025 18:55

My son has been with his gf over one year. Not his first relationship. He has had friends in his room since he was 14 ish. I preferred him being home,rather than being out. Obviously he could go somewhere in particular, not just wandering around. We're close, but there's a big recurring argument. His gf gets bus from work Friday evening, then leaves here to go to work Monday morning. It's too much for me. At the beginning, I said that I can't afford to feed her every weekend. She now brings a ready meal or pizza, switches oven on, leaves it to heat up, then heats her dinner. She helps herself to the coffee machine a few times a day, makes tea. Leaves pile of clothes in son's room, shoes in hall, after she's left. She can't have friends or bf at her house where she lives with father, his gf, two half brothers. I'm tired of the argument with my son. I've said that I want to have the freedom of being in my home without another person here every weekend. He can't afford to get his own place.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 21/03/2025 18:56

How old are they both?

TomatoSandwiches · 21/03/2025 18:58

How old are they and does he pay rent?

Cookiecrumblepie · 21/03/2025 19:01

I don’t understand why parents allow these weird teen marriage relationships. Just say it’s not on, find their own space or she needs to pull weight in the house

Isittimeformynapyet · 21/03/2025 19:03

Cookiecrumblepie · 21/03/2025 19:01

I don’t understand why parents allow these weird teen marriage relationships. Just say it’s not on, find their own space or she needs to pull weight in the house

We're waiting to find out if they are teens.

UndermyShoeJoe · 21/03/2025 19:03

Charge her rent 🤷🏻‍♀️

feelingalittlehorse · 21/03/2025 19:04

Thems who pay the bills, make the rules.

It’a your home OP, if it’s making you uncomfortable then they either stop, or get their own place (if old enough, not clear from post).

Upsetbetty · 21/03/2025 19:08

What age are they? Either say no, not happening any more or charge her per night. That’ll put an end to that I think.

holycrumpet · 21/03/2025 19:11

YANBU.

however, out of curiosity, does she speak to you much? Does she help out around the house? Does she bring food to last her the whole weekend?

Savyonblanket · 21/03/2025 19:12

Put your foot down!

tell him ‘this weekend lucy is not staying over - I want a quiet weekend with no guests’

if she turns up you reiterate - ‘no guests this weekend’ and let him sort it with her. Not your problem.

He can go out and spend all day with her.

your house - your rules. If you want a quiet guest free weekend - so be it.

weekends she stays tell her to pick up her clothes before she leaves. Don’t let them walk all over you.

if he doesn’t like it - he knows what he can do - move out.

set your boundaries. Stick to them.

DancesLikeAFairy · 21/03/2025 19:31

Thanks everyone. I hope this is how to add to my post! My son is 20, he pays £100 a month! He buys a few bits of food. She's 21 and tries to be chatty but hasn't been brought up well. Not her fault. A few months ago, I said to her that she can drive here and back home same day, once she's passed her driving test. She replied that she wouldn't as it's too expensive! I told her a couple of weeks ago that she can't help herself to (expensive) coffee machine, oven etc. My son said that he's an adult and should be allowed to have his gf over. He asked me for the real reason. I replied that it's too much!

OP posts:
Cookiecrumblepie · 21/03/2025 19:38

okay they’re adults. They need to move out or follow your rules

Arcticrival · 21/03/2025 19:41

£100 a month hardly covers anything. If your son is working that's a ridiculous low level of rent. My son isn't working yet but when he does he will pay proper rent or move out. I think it's the only way to teach them how much it costs to live. (I will put the rent in savings for a future deposit for him for a flat but he isn't to know that)

If I were you i'd either up his rent and then yes his GF can stay over and be comfortable. Or he moves out.

UndermyShoeJoe · 21/03/2025 19:43

Tries to be chatty but hasn’t been brought up well??

Is that the actual crux of the issue. She’s not good enough?

Justmuddlingalong · 21/03/2025 19:44

Tell him the rent is £200 a month for them both. Either she pays her half or he pays it all. Starts this weekend. See how he likes them apples.

BansheeOfTheSouth · 21/03/2025 19:47

DancesLikeAFairy · 21/03/2025 19:31

Thanks everyone. I hope this is how to add to my post! My son is 20, he pays £100 a month! He buys a few bits of food. She's 21 and tries to be chatty but hasn't been brought up well. Not her fault. A few months ago, I said to her that she can drive here and back home same day, once she's passed her driving test. She replied that she wouldn't as it's too expensive! I told her a couple of weeks ago that she can't help herself to (expensive) coffee machine, oven etc. My son said that he's an adult and should be allowed to have his gf over. He asked me for the real reason. I replied that it's too much!

He's right he's an adult, he should have his girlfriend over. In his house.

If he can't afford to move out and only pays £100 a month and she also works, they can pay for a hotel every second weekend at least. Minimum.

Quitelikeit · 21/03/2025 19:47

Sorry but I think you are being harsh?

Are you strapped for cash?

Does your son earn enough to get his own place?

He’s only 20 bit young to be earning big enough bucks to cover his own place

Id never begrudge someone a coffee!

DancesLikeAFairy · 21/03/2025 19:48

No, she isn't good enough. Not the crux though. I want him to be happy. A few of my friends and a couple of my son's friends have said that she's rude. I think she is awkward in company. She didn't know that saying excuse me was normal after burping.

OP posts:
TheSilentSister · 21/03/2025 19:48

Just say it's getting too much and you miss your privacy. Agree to EOW or whatever suits YOU. You will have to remind him that although it's his home, it's your house, so your rules and "when he has his own place......".
Also, maybe do a quick calculation on what it costs to have her there from Fri eve to Mon morn - use of oven, coffee machine, shower, toiletries and whatever else.
I kinda know how you feel, my DS16 would have his mates to stay every w/e if I'd let him. Some call me their 2nd Mum, they're here so often. But I put my foot down and just have them ad hoc, depends how I feel.

VickyEadieofThigh · 21/03/2025 19:50

Cookiecrumblepie · 21/03/2025 19:01

I don’t understand why parents allow these weird teen marriage relationships. Just say it’s not on, find their own space or she needs to pull weight in the house

Me neither. It seems to start with allowing the child too much freedom to have boy/girlfriend sleepovers and then morphs into the young adult child taking absolute liberties by moving the boy/girlfriend in.

DancesLikeAFairy · 21/03/2025 19:52

I have limited capacity to work due to a disability. I don't begrudge her a cup of coffee. It's helping herself to more than six a day. Plus Fri and Mon. I don't want to pay for her to have so much free coffee. Or meals. I've asked her to pay towards meals. She just says that she can't afford it.

OP posts:
Dollshousedolly · 21/03/2025 19:52

Surely, at the minimum, if you’re providing food, your DS should be giving you £100 a week ? Limit girlfriend to one night a week staying over with a contribution from her of £15, without food.

Justmuddlingalong · 21/03/2025 19:54

I've asked her to pay towards meals. She just says that she can't afford it.
Tell her neither can you.

UndermyShoeJoe · 21/03/2025 19:55

She should definitely be giving something or bringing for the food and coffee.

Justhere65 · 21/03/2025 19:55

Dollshousedolly · 21/03/2025 19:52

Surely, at the minimum, if you’re providing food, your DS should be giving you £100 a week ? Limit girlfriend to one night a week staying over with a contribution from her of £15, without food.

If you charge your children that much each month how are they going to be able to save for their own place?

Poppyseeds79 · 21/03/2025 20:00

Do you want her to...
Not stay over full stop?
Contribute fairly when she does?
Tidy up her mess & help out?
Stay 1 night instead of full weekend?
Stay EOW?

You need to decide what you want to happen, and then tell them both