Son's girlfriend and argument.

[DancesLikeAFairy]

My son has been with his gf over one year. Not his first relationship. He has had friends in his room since he was 14 ish. I preferred him being home,rather than being out. Obviously he could go somewhere in particular, not just wandering around. We're close, but there's a big recurring argument. His gf gets bus from work Friday evening, then leaves here to go to work Monday morning. It's too much for me. At the beginning, I said that I can't afford to feed her every weekend. She now brings a ready meal or pizza, switches oven on, leaves it to heat up, then heats her dinner. She helps herself to the coffee machine a few times a day, makes tea. Leaves pile of clothes in son's room, shoes in hall, after she's left. She can't have friends or bf at her house where she lives with father, his gf, two half brothers. I'm tired of the argument with my son. I've said that I want to have the freedom of being in my home without another person here every weekend. He can't afford to get his own place.

Returning to this topic again; the one who should clean up the food boxes they don't take and leave on the counter (!!) is your son; they're his guests. It should not fall on you.
And does he do his share of housework? If he works and then has guests every evening, and the whole weekend, when does he has time to contribute to the housework?

And for those who asked why they have to take their large boxes with them, sometimes the bins are allocated according to the number of people living somewhere. Sometimes the fees depend on that, too, so larger bins cost more.

Their bins could be sized for two people; when there are guest EVERY day with lots of extra trash from deliveries, nothing will fit.

@DancesLikeAFairy

As the next step, consider if the other guests need to be restricted, too. How late do they stay? The room might need some airing, if you eat hot food in a bedroom every day (night).
Your son and his friends could consider a rota, where they meet at each other's places in turns.
Then you would have more rest and quiet in your home.

To give you a comparison, my cousin lives at home and one of his parents is longtime ill; he consciously avoids bringing home too many people at once and in general, because he realizes it's upsetting and distressing for the ill parent. That's what consideration looks like.

Also the OP has explained that the gf's family does not allow overnight guests. No-one is saying how they are inhospitable because the couple cannot alternate places and distribute their stays. No-one is onto them that they drive their "future son in law" away. Apparently the OP is expected to be the only one to give in.

The gf could try and change her parents/step-parents mind to allow a few more stays.

Most of what you describe sounds pretty normal in most households where an older child has a partner. I think the real problem here is you just don’t like her.

Each to their own, but personally I would have a massive problem with my kids having friends round every night but not so much a girlfriend at the weekends.

I do think from what you’ve posted though, that you have an issue with the girlfriend. You just don’t seem to like her and you come across as if you think you are better than her and she’s not good enough for son.

Your son and soon to be daughter in law will move out soon. Let’s hope for your sake it is close, my bet is that it isn’t.

AND, it sounds like he doesn’t drive, can’t remember if you confirmed this or not but you did say you drive him to work, so just remember that when they come for visits he will be beholden to her for lifts.

if you can’t afford her being there (and let’s be honest it will cost barely anything extra - I say this as someone whose son’s girlfriend eats at least 6 meals a week here) then ask your son to
pay a little more.

ALSO something that has irked the shit out of me, is that she has opened up to you about her childhood, and you’ve judged her for both the upbringing and the fact that she is confident and comfortable enough to be able to share that…because in complaining about her making the house her home, you are basically saying she should just sit down and shut up.

did it ever occur to you that the girlfriends bringing you flowers are the odd ones…they’re smart enough to bribe you to like them, what else are the manipulating? This girl sounds nothing but open and honest and has offered to bring her own food, which is mental to expect btw, and to try to make herself at home, you should count yourself lucky that your son hasn’t fallen into the trap that many do by bringing a girl home that is just like his mum, because that would be the nightmare girl believe me

This with bells on.

I think you have been hugely tolerant of an extremely presumptuously rude young woman.
I cannot imagine in real life many would accept this every single weekend.
This is not her home. It is not up to the OP to provide a free pad for her son and his girlfriend every weekend.
I certainly wouldn't.

So you think that the OP should just accept that a girl she has not invited is now living with her?

The way the op talks about the gf she probably wouldn't allow her son to stay over.

Do you think maybe if you're honest OP, your problem is misogyny? You seem happy with a house full of lazy men. You've raised a lazy man child. But this woman is held to a much higher standard.

Isn't that the way it always is on here? Berate and denigrate a person who has bent over backward for his son and her son has a gf who acts like she is part owner of the house.

There must be a lot of well-off people on MN, if feeding and housing another person three days a week and paying all the utilities and doing all the cleaning, while being disabled, is so easy-peasy for them.

We aren't poor by any means, but I could not afford to house someone else, take on those costs, pay for a few bucket-loads of coffee and be willing to clean up after someone who acts like they know no better but probably does.
The OP's NVDS and his NVDGF need to act more mature, thoughtful and caring AND pick up half the house load. If his NVDGF works, she has some money and can stop being a sponger.

But the lack of money is down to the son not contributing anywhere near a reasonable amount to the household.
that is nothing to do with the gf.

The gf doesn’t like living at home. This is very comfortable and convenient for her - the DS
might not be the best partner for her but this suits her and possibly him - cheap living.

With the cost of housing, once someone’s moved in they can’t afford to move out. Not a good start for a long term relationship. This could break up unhappily later after kids /mortgage.

The son needs to move out really.

@Slimbear @AnnoyedAsAllHeck

Yes, they are playing house in someone else's house.

And the gf parents are onto a good deal: someone else pays for their child's food / electricity/water etc, and they have more space at home with the other two children for almost half of each week, and as they never return the favour, it's a financial bonus for them.

I realize the OP has also asked the gf to contribute, and I think her different accounts of things (including her in meals, asking to bring some own food, asking to not use the oven empty / cook so much and variations thereof) are from different days and different things she tried. That's why they vary - at least this is how I understood it. She started out including her and realized that it's too much when it's 24/7 for 3 days of week, each week, and had to reduce what she shared.

And I don't see how she is not polite; she said she bought her presents and chats to her. What OP objects to is that there is someone there permanently and treats her place as their home (the useless switching on of the TV, opening the windows but not turning down the heating) in a very careless way. She also explains that the gf barely says hello now; at least the friends during the week say hello and goodbye.

When someone says that it's normal that partners of adult children stay on longer; if you have several children, where do all these extra people go and who pays for them? I find it very presumptive to just move in gf/bf without discussion.

You're being incredibly unfair to your son
Thank goodness he has his father for support

I think you really dislike her and can’t hide the fact.
fancy telling someone they can’t have the expensive coffee that’s just embarrassing yourself.
my sons girlfriend stays over often and she’s lovely I don’t mind feeding her as I’m cooking for everyone anyway.
if she makes your son happy then try not to be so horrible to her and charge him more rent to cover the extra

This thread has been going on for along time. Is it even credible anymore.

The thread may have been going on for months, but the Op @DancesLikeAFairy hasn't been back for weeks and weeks.