Son's girlfriend and argument.

[DancesLikeAFairy]

My son has been with his gf over one year. Not his first relationship. He has had friends in his room since he was 14 ish. I preferred him being home,rather than being out. Obviously he could go somewhere in particular, not just wandering around. We're close, but there's a big recurring argument. His gf gets bus from work Friday evening, then leaves here to go to work Monday morning. It's too much for me. At the beginning, I said that I can't afford to feed her every weekend. She now brings a ready meal or pizza, switches oven on, leaves it to heat up, then heats her dinner. She helps herself to the coffee machine a few times a day, makes tea. Leaves pile of clothes in son's room, shoes in hall, after she's left. She can't have friends or bf at her house where she lives with father, his gf, two half brothers. I'm tired of the argument with my son. I've said that I want to have the freedom of being in my home without another person here every weekend. He can't afford to get his own place.

I can't ever imagine counting the amount of cups of coffee that my son's guest has in our home.

If being a snob is expecting someone to say excuse me after burping, then yes I am! I have a great relationship with my son and I wouldn't expect him to spend time with me! He's had 3 friends around tonight. If they've bought pizza etc, I ask them to take boxes home. They always stick their head around the door to say hello to me. They've asked my partner and I to go to festival with them 😂, go to the pub....gf doesn't say goodbye etc and my son gets angry with her. I've asked my son to pay £300 from next salary. He's just started new job. When she was his new gf, I included her in all meals. Then asked her to contribute something, saying I feel awful asking but can't afford it. I'd cooked free-range chicken, 3 veg, roasts, pudding. She offered to buy a loaf of bread. I've said that she can stay one night, one day ..like previous post said 24 hours. I've tried just cooking for me and my son but she ran into kitchen and made toast for herself. I've tried asking her to bring food but she brings a ready meal and uses big oven. It's not individual things,, it's everything all the time. In August, she was using the f*ING washing machine. When she heats pizza, she leaves pizza tray for someone else to clear up. It's one night, one day from now on. She had tv on in living room. Curtains closed, windows open. I closed them and said heating on. Turned tv off as she was on her phone. She said,"I was watching that." It's because it's Fri early evening until Monday morning. She doesn't live here! I laughed at a comment on here when someone said that gf has a wind problem. 😂

I had this and took her under my wing and we worked it out. When ds finished the relationship I actually missed his gf. Explain to her that you are happy if she brings her own pods and ask your son for a bit extra towards the shopping. He’s just finding his way they are young, I found that by nurturing her and getting to know her she had a pretty dysfunctional home life and ours was a safe space for her. We still text now and honestly if someone had said I would miss her 3 years ago i would have laughed

Because she’s already said he can’t afford to get his own place. If you ask your son to choose between mother and girlfriend, girlfriend will always win. It’s nature’s way.

The way it is right now it’s an unsolvable problem- she doesn’t want them there, but they can’t afford to leave.

The lodger solution could leave her with the house free at the weekend if she wanted (mon-fri lodger) and also would help her son to become independent which sounds like it needs to happen.

The situation would be improved in that she could choose a neat lodger who is well mannered and would be less annoying.

I've tried just cooking for me and my son but she ran into kitchen and made toast for herself. I've tried asking her to bring food but she brings a ready meal and uses big oven. It's not individual things,, it's everything all the time. In August, she was using the fING washing machine. When she heats pizza, she leaves pizza tray for someone else to clear up. It's one night, one day from now on. She had tv on in living room. Curtains closed, windows open.*

Good god, it sounds like she can't do anything right.. so you purposely didn't cook for her then moaned that she made toast, you ask her to bring her own food and when she does you don't want her to cook it... She's not allowed to watch tv and look at her phone at the same time..

With kindess OP, you obviously have a lot going on in your life and I think you are using her as an outlet for your anger and frustration, none of the things you mention are actually that bad.. and ALL the problems with regards to it costing you money would have been solved by asking your son to pay more for the extra electricity/coffee/oxygen/whatever she was using up, if this has been going on since before last summer he should have been paying more long before now.

At the end of the day, while you want your son to live at home with you, you do need to accept that he is an adult and he has as much right to have guests in the house, surely you want him to be happy?

We discussed how to make it fair so she could eat with us. She said that she would buy a loaf of bread. Then not eat with us. Then buy her own food. I think it's polite to ask or say you'd like to use the cooker. It's because she's here for too long. In the kitchen like she lives here. My son had very little work until a few weeks ago. I get up at 5 to take him to work. His gf was still in bed at 8. I think that's rude.

Our daughter knew from the start that boyfriends wouldn’t be staying over and definitely not for the weekend, her dad is so old school.

I agree that it’s not on, tell them to book a hotel if they need to be together. I like you wouldn’t feel comfortable in my own home.

OP I'm glad you've been able to set some rules and boundaries. How did DS take it? Did he understand where you were coming from and do you think he'll stick to it?

As an adult, he needs to contribute more. £100 a month is wholly inadequate.

I'm glad you increased his rent. He needs to stay working harder and earning more. You sound like you're in more than a little bit of a vulnerable situation.

As for the girlfriend absolutely put your foot down. 24 hours max in one week amd she can shove off out of your kitchen.

I actually wouldnt mind someone helping themself to my kitchen if they were respectful about it and contributed. She's 21!! She should be doing better.

You've got younger kids I assume, and don't have a bf/gf in your house basically 3 days a week? Get back to us then. Of course people are polite and welcoming and "make yourself at home" to their childrens adult partners when they come to visit. VISIT. We might go for the weekend to my mil/fil's house. Of course they say "have whatever you want - let me know if you need anything". That's normal. That's also because we go maybe once every 2 months. Other times maybe just for lunch.They would love us to go more but even the nicest people can outstay their welcome.
People have their little routines, like sleeping in on a Sunday and then lounging around in pj's reading. You can't do that if someone other than family is there. You just can't.
I can now with my DS's fiancee but I have known her for years and they visit regularly but have their own home and I consider her part of the family. When they come to visit she , my son and I will have a small argument about who is doing the kitchen after dinner and I ( reluctantly 😉) let them win.
They bring their own drinks, sometimes a meal they feel like making whatever.
Of course if they both lost their jobs I would move them in here straightaway.
But that's not the situation with the OP.
Her Ds has somewhere to live. Her DS gf has somewhere to live.
OP @DancesLikeAFairy - tell them one weekend a month and one night a week. That is more than generous.
And I know what you mean about the gf not being good enough. People struggle to believe it ( "it's just because you think your son is perfect" - the one of mine that had the horrendous gf was very far from perfect at the time particularly (19) and admits it himself now.) Also that she was insane, some girls aren't the perfect darlings their parents think they are. Though yours doesn't sound anywhere near as bad as they one I got stuck with. Good luck with it. Be strong and say these are the new rules.
The instant coffee in the kitchen idea is genius from pp. Oh nespresso doesn't seem to be working, pity, here's some International Roast I picked up, whilst said nespresso is safely in your bedroom .

It’s your house, you get to decide. Tell your son exactly what’s acceptable. Make it none negotiable.

The OP literally said she wasn't 'good enough'! How is that acceptable to say about someone's child? I wonder how people would feel if it was their daughter she was saying it about?

Yes, the all-weekend stays are a bit much and a compromise needs to be found but I wonder if the gf was someone OP deemed 'good enough' if there'd be all this fuss.

You’ll miss him when he’s gone.

So your son is 20, he works (presumably full time), and that he's not a student? And it's just the two of you living there (plus the gf, who seems to live there part time)? You and ds should be splitting the bills 50/50. If you're renting, then that includes half the rent.

Why is the leaving a pile of clothes behind? I hope you/ds aren't doing her laundry as well?

I'm not sure you should be having to talk to Ds's gf directly about these issues - you tell your son what you want/expect of him and his guests. Then he needs to get his gf under control and stop her stealing your food and coffee.

As someone else mentioned, as he's working and only contributing £100 a month towards the household expenses, he should easily be able to afford a hotel or B&B every other weekend.

Sounds like you've had a crap few days and just want some quiet time to yourself. It's well within your rights to say to son no gf staying this weekend. If he doesn't like it he can go and stay at hers (or hotel).

You say he can't afford to move out, but if the both of them are working full time they should be able to afford a place together. That might suddenly become a more attractive option to him if he's having to pay 50/50 at yours - he might as well be paying 50/50 with gf and they have their own place and associated privacy.

Well in my case the top 3 out of 500 ( ignoring she was thick as a brick, but very calculating) were

1. smashing a glass when we'd kicked her out of the house ( again) and not telling anyone, sprinkling it all over my sons sheets instead and then getting me to drive her home.
2. calling the police saying my DS was holding her hostage when she was standing in our front yard and my DS had gone inside to get away from her.I was standing there yelling she's lying. Funtimes.
3. Finally relenting and letting my DS drive her home ( against my better judgment) they stopped for KFC. She got the coleslaw and shoved it into all the air/con vents of my car when my son went to pay for petrol.

So yes not good enough!!!!!!

She doesn't sound like she's doing much wrong to me. You told her to bring her own food but she's not allowed to use the oven to cook it? She's not allowed to watch TV is she's looking at her phone? She opened a window when she was hot. She makes coffee, I can't imagine begrudging someone coffee. She stays in bed when you get up at 5am to take your 20 yo to work, why are you doing this?! She doesn't drive, it would be weird for her to get up and come with you.
She should clean up after herself yes.

I miss my 30yo, except he rings me once a week, we have a family groupchat and he and his fiancee come to stay at least 5 times a year plus xmas. I can call him anytime , and can go and stay at their place anytime but he's 30. He shouldn''t be living with me. It's a silly argument . Everybody misses their kids when they move out. It's a new stage of life for everyone and from the sounds of the OP's DS financial position not one she is going to have to worry about soon.

OP why are you driving a 20yr old to work? He needs to be getting himself there even if that means a long commute of 2+ hours with lots of walking between public transport and each destination. Having to be self sufficient is what will motivate him to spend his money on learning to drive and getting a car or moped instead of spending all his wages on fun stuff. It's time for him to grow up now and stop living like a teenager.

He has a home with you, she has a home with her parents. Their relationship needs to be consisting of dates, mainly outside of either home. They're basically living together and sponging off you, she's acting like she lives there not behaving like a guest grateful to be allowed to stay, no wonder you're pissed off! She should be taking her laundry home with her, bringing food that doesn't need cooking cleaning not helping herself to your expensive coffee. Any possessions she brings (including a wash bag with toiletries) should be kept in DSs room not in the rest of the house. It's not quite clear from your post but if you're saying she had the heating on and the window open simultaneously I'd have ripped her a new one, frankly. She shouldn't be inconveniencing you in any way by staying over. She's a guest not a housemate, maybe she needs reminding of that. Unless your DS is paying 50% of everything and you're living as housemates, then it's not his home too, from the perspective of moving someone else in.

What did you do when she said she was watching the TV that you'd switched off? I'd have told her no you're on your phone don't be cheeky and it's me paying the electric so don't take the piss.

Same when she said she couldn't afford to pay anything. Did you tell her neither can you? I'd have literally said her financial status isn't my problem and she doesn't get to sponge off me just because she's skint.

Your ex is a knob too. Sounds like he wants "married" benefits without actually being married or living together. You weren't even with him when he went to hospital, you were messaging him to check he was ok. No reason you needed to be there too. You're disabled every day of the week, does he come running over to keep you company and be helpful every time you're ill, finding life difficult or having a bad day? I doubt it. Depending on your disability sitting in A&E for hours on end might not have done your own health any good and you'd have been left to fend for yourself the next day while he was also home recovering. It's not practical to have a joined-at-the-hip relationship when you don't live together. He's not the love of your life it was an illusion, he's just another typical selfish man that thinks the world revolves around him.

I didn't see anything about opening a window, or the phone/TV issue. I'm with the gf all the way on that. She or your son should learn to drive though.

Be glad you have never been so broke that you'd have to worry about it.

Not everyone has the money to support another person for 48+ hours a week.

@DancesLikeAFairy Your son needs to start paying you $100/week. Not $100/month. He eats your food, uses gas, electricity, water, and do you provide him with hygiene needs?
He needs to learn what life is in the world, and it's not living practically rent-free and expecting his Mom to pay for his gf on top of paying his bills.

Very well said. I agree with every word.

Op you’ve even been driving your ds to work whilst getting £100. No wonder things add up and you’re struggling. He’s been a big cost and you can’t afford it.

As for your ex, he had very high expectations on you, not voiced. Was he there for you? I find it hard to believe he expected you to drive 6 hours to sit in A&E with him for an angina attack when you’re disabled and unable to work.

I hope you take this post on board. It’s all about boundaries and expectations of others to treat you with respect and dignity.

Wow. You are setting yourself up for a very bad relationship with your potentially future DIL. The poor girl can’t do right for wrong tbh. You can’t afford the extra mouth to feed, fair enough but you and your son sit down to tea and then begrudge her a slice of bread for toast or use of the oven to cook her pizza?!

I would suggest a schedule for overnight visits and actually make her welcome when those days arrive but it sounds like there will be fault with everything this woman does because you don’t deem her to be ‘good enough’

I look forward to reading your posts in a few year about your ‘nightmare’ DIL..

Up his rent to £150, tell her the coffee machine is a no go. Limit sleepovers to one or two nights.

I would come to some compromise. Every other weekend or she comes Friday goes home Saturday. Say you need some space yourself at a weekend.
Why are you being a wet wipe?

Say if she wants the expensive coffees she has to buy her pods.
Have an adult conversation with then both say you want to bring your own friends back and you can't