Son's girlfriend and argument.

[DancesLikeAFairy]

My son has been with his gf over one year. Not his first relationship. He has had friends in his room since he was 14 ish. I preferred him being home,rather than being out. Obviously he could go somewhere in particular, not just wandering around. We're close, but there's a big recurring argument. His gf gets bus from work Friday evening, then leaves here to go to work Monday morning. It's too much for me. At the beginning, I said that I can't afford to feed her every weekend. She now brings a ready meal or pizza, switches oven on, leaves it to heat up, then heats her dinner. She helps herself to the coffee machine a few times a day, makes tea. Leaves pile of clothes in son's room, shoes in hall, after she's left. She can't have friends or bf at her house where she lives with father, his gf, two half brothers. I'm tired of the argument with my son. I've said that I want to have the freedom of being in my home without another person here every weekend. He can't afford to get his own place.

Tell your son GF can only stay EOW and coffees are limited to one per day, or she can start contributing. She can’t stay the whole weekend every weekend. This is still your house and you want to relax without outside people there.

I agree.

I was delighted when DS told me he had a girlfriend that was staying. I had visions of him being the oldest virgin as he’s socially awkward.

I am the person that doesn’t invite friends in when they turn up unexpectedly too.

They are just kids. Mine spent all the time in their room or went out for walks together. They do buy their own food but I liked to make big meals we could all share too. I’m not looking forward to the day they split up. This one’s very lovely.

Also wanting to know how much your son is earning, because my 4yr old costs more than £25 a week for food, petrol to get places etc so I’m sure a 20yr old
man costs a lot more! Surely he’s using electric, gas, water, internet, eating food etc. £100 wouldn’t even get him a bed sit. I do not enjoy guests constantly so would hate this OP. On the flip side I’m sure i was the annoying gf in the past and cringe when I look back on it!! But it sounds like you’ve tried to give a reality check and got nowhere?!

That sounds hard @DancesLikeAFairy and you absolutely have a right to put your foot down.

Your son is a working man and it's time he contributes and views himself in a different light that shows more maturity and independence. This is a good thing.

Two things stand out. Firstly, he should be paying more than £100 and I'd increase it to £200 starting April 1st. Secondly, I'd suggest setting a rule of guest are welcome to stay for 24 hrs/week only - from Friday after work until the same time Saturday. I'd also say that he needs to contribute £15 each time she stays over. So if she stays over 4 nights/month that's £60 in addition to his contribution. The reality is that hosting costs money and as he should be moving towards getting his own place, this is an important lesson to learn! It is not your job to supplement his gf.

It is hard to build good relationships when you feel taken advantage of. I'm sure that isn't their intention but it is also really okay to have boundaries in your home and to make sure things work for all of you.

Good luck

But presumably her bf has invited her.

People seem to be forgetting it is his home too.

I've always made my dcs friends welcome here, including gfs and bfs. This is the family home for all the family.

How many of the expensive coffees do you have?

tell her the coffee machine is a luxury item, one per day only and if she wants more than that then she can buy her own jar of instant coffee to have.

@DancesLikeAFairy

Take your expensive coffee and put it in your room. Buy the cheapest coffee for 'public consumption'. Same for tea. And anything else you don't want to share or is for you a 'luxury buy'.

On nights/days she's there, don't cook. Have yourself a cereal or a bun for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, a ready meal or leftovers for supper. Let DS know that when she's there, he and she will be responsible for buying, cooking, and cleaning up after their own meals. Not because you 'don't like her', but because they are adults and you are NOT a BnB for his 'friends'.

Leaving clothes in his bedroom, who cares? Let him deal with them. Shoes in the hall? Throw them on top of the clothes in the bedroom. Oh, and he can wash his own sheets after she leaves. His room, his problem.

FWIW if I went in my kitchen and found my oven on with nothing in it, I'd turn it off. If someone asked me why, I'd say because there was nothing cooking in it. They'll soon learn that if they want the oven on, they better put their food in right away.

I’d be locking everything in my bedroom or my car. I’d actually empty the larder , fridge , run the freezer down and then see how keen she is to stay when there’s no free food. The coffee would be the first thing I’d hide. She sounds very ill mannered.

Tbh OP sounds like she hates GF and will find any minor detail to fuss about.
Oh she is drinking my expensive coffee...
Jfc buy cheaper one if you are so stressed with money.
Could not imagine being so rude to my childs partner to try chargeing for food over two night stay a week...
Share what you have and be happy you have healthy son with loving partner.

Then he needs to start pulling his weight if he wants the privilege of inviting his girlfriend to his mum’s house / his home. If he’s adult enough to have a girlfriend stay over, he’s adult enough to ask and negotiate terms, not to just both walk all over his disabled mum.

I think £100 a month is an absolute joke and idk why op is asking so little in rent when she’s struggling financially. And op should decide some ground rules. It’s a tough gig being disabled and not having much money to live on.

Idk how things will be when my dd is this age. She’s 16 and doesn’t have a boyfriend yet. However, she asks if friends can stay over. It’s just respect and etiquette. We do generally have an open house so there would be a reason for saying no. But that’s not the point. It’s the principle of respecting other family members and their boundaries.

I have no idea how I will feel once dd wants boys to stay over. But I want to be able to say no that’s for sure. And just because one person / family is ok with having a boyfriend/ girlfriend staying over a lot or quasi moving in, it doesn’t mean that op or anyone else should as well.

He pays £100pm rent? I was paying £40 a week (so either £160 or £200pm depending on how many weeks in a month) when I lived at home in 1990! That wasn’t a typo, it was 35 years ago. I was only earning about £8k a year too.

I think OP wants her to leave and never come back!

You sound very uptight OP, at the end of the day whoever your son is in a relationship with is an extension of himself, would you begrudge him using the oven and having coffee? Just work out how much she is using in coffee etc and tell your son he needs to be replacing what she uses, or upping his payment so you can replace everything she uses, that is more than fair.

It sounds like you are wanting any excuse to get rid of her though because you don't like her and don't think she is good enough for your son.

it’s an utter shame that I know this won’t work she’ll move in and stay but when I was this young my exs mum let me move in, I paid her rent and I felt forced to stay where as within 2 days I wanted to go home. So I went. I just know you can’t reverse physiology it! Good luck and I hope you all find a common ground

I don’t see it as a moral issue. If op doesn’t want her in the house all weekend that’s how it is.

You are supposed to preheat an oven if you want the food to cook correctly.

Op says gf brings her own food then says gf won’t pay towards meals. Seems a contradiction. It also makes no sense for op to say she won’t provide food for guests but also refuse to let them cook food they buy themselves.

Really son should move out and do a house share with gf but it sounds like op needs him there for support.

We all do this differently. I am like you but I wish I was like op. People like me get taken advantage of. Stick to your guns, op.

you sound like a bundle of fun OP

I agree with previous posters who said this is mean spirited.

I can’t imagine telling my child that their guest has to bring their own food and to then have a problem with them using the oven to cook said food.

You are a snob OP. There should be no such thing as “not good enough”. All humans should be of equal status, none better than anyone else. What makes you think you’re better than her? You’re hardly proving it with your attitude.

She’s not a guest. She’s an unwelcome weekend lodger with a wind problem who makes a mess and uses up scarce resources without a thought for the OP.

Could you get a lodger who you did like and pass the money on to your son to pay for his and his girlfriend’s rent? I am sure they’d both rather have their own place too.

You mention that you preferred your DS to be home, is that still the case? Is DS free to leave without judgement or do you guilt him into spending time with you? At the end of the day, if you can't afford it you can't carry on like this. But if it is the case that DS is guilted into staying home then you couldn't blame him for bringing his girlfriend to you, as that is what you've requested. Whatever you do tread lightly, continue to be polite. This could be the woman your DS marries and how you treat her now could impact your future relationship with him.

My DCs have had Gf or Bf over like this. I have no issue with it. I rarely cook for them as they have a different schedule and go out, get takeaways, have a pizza etc. Why wouldn’t I want my DC to feel good in their own home?! I can still be comfortable as well, though I wear a dressing gown over my PJs when maybe I wouldn’t otherwise.

It’s all very well saying the OP should be more generous with food and coffee, but what if she can’t afford to be? The coffee is probably her treat. That would be vanishing for a start, and why should she buy a cheap jar? Her son should buy that

I understand OP and know how hard it is. My 22 year old daughter was living overseas, but moved home when she got pregnant, bringing her 31 boyfriend. They gave us £200 p/m and he was clean and polite, but having someone in your home is really really difficult. I wasn’t even inconvenienced - they had their own bathroom, and he was a keen tea maker, I just felt awkward

Yes the coffee machine uses beans or ground coffee.

Why on earth should OP bring someone else into her house? Also, pay for the son and gf to live elsewhere? I think not. They can pay for it themselves.

I've said that I want to have the freedom of being in my home without another person here every weekend

Yes, I love a good coffee. I'm in the middle of a court case with ex I left many years ago.Representing myself. I had a good job before becoming a SAHM. I had a lovely home in a good area. I now live without carpets! The love of my life has just finished with me because he went to hospital today with major angina attack. He told me he was fine and we had lots of calls, messages. At 1.30 he said he'd been discharged. I said I was pleased etc. He said that he was exhausted, he'd new meds. I told him that I would drive Saturday morning, as he'd be in bed this evening. (Friday) he said that makes sense. Then 10 pm messaged to say that it was telling that I didn't bother to be with him in a and e. Not to drive (*6hours) as he won't answer door. My son said that partner should have treated me right. I've had a dreadful week and I am worn out.