Son's girlfriend and argument.

[DancesLikeAFairy]

My son has been with his gf over one year. Not his first relationship. He has had friends in his room since he was 14 ish. I preferred him being home,rather than being out. Obviously he could go somewhere in particular, not just wandering around. We're close, but there's a big recurring argument. His gf gets bus from work Friday evening, then leaves here to go to work Monday morning. It's too much for me. At the beginning, I said that I can't afford to feed her every weekend. She now brings a ready meal or pizza, switches oven on, leaves it to heat up, then heats her dinner. She helps herself to the coffee machine a few times a day, makes tea. Leaves pile of clothes in son's room, shoes in hall, after she's left. She can't have friends or bf at her house where she lives with father, his gf, two half brothers. I'm tired of the argument with my son. I've said that I want to have the freedom of being in my home without another person here every weekend. He can't afford to get his own place.

You sound awful. Absolutely awful.

You cooked a meal whilst she had toast? JFC.

And his friends have to take their pizza boxes home? Why? That’s weird.

Maybe because you can afford infinite amounts of coffee beans/pods.
Maybe the woman who's trying to survive on disability benefits and for whom the coffee is a small treat she can squeeze in can't afford her tosser of a son's CF girlfriend rinsing her coffee beans?

She's 21 and tries to be chatty but hasn't been brought up well.

What a horrid statement. So judgemental. What is it about her conversation that so annoys you or allows you to make value judgements on her upbringing?

@DancesLikeAFairy I'm so glad you've asked for £300 a month that will be such a help financially for you. I would treat yourself to an air fryer much cheaper to run than an oven. Then save up for carpeting in your home and any other things you have been doing without because of your finances.

One night a week is plenty for a sleepover.

You deserve a break.

Oh ffs

I am saddened and horrified by so many threads on here about women, usually struggling, who are being walked over by young adult 'children'
I honestly would tell her to piss off, if your son doesn't like it they can get a rental.
Op you sound vulnerable, time to put yourself, your needs first.

Well it’s not even that, he’s paying £23.25 a week if he’s paying £100 a month.

I agree with putting your naice coffee away. I wouldn’t even replace it with a cheap one, they can buy their own.

I’d also talk to your DS, preferably somewhere neutral, about upping his rent to at least £30 a week/£129 a month.

I would also say that you’re happy to have her there but only every other weekend. He’s the same age as my DS, they should have time away from one another to spend doing sport or hobbies and seeing friends.

You get what you put up with. Whose house is it?

i should have read the whole thread! Glad that you’ve asked for more board.

I’m a bit confused over why you would feed yourselves free range chicken and exclude her though?

There are so many cheap meals that are healthy and would cost less than that meal to feed all 3 of you.

i couldn’t eat and exclude someone who was staying with us like that.

If she leaves washing up do you ask your DS to do it for you?

Yes, he told me that I have always changed what I've said about girls staying over. It began when he was 16 and had a long term gf. Her parents allowed him to stay there, and it was because he was going on holiday with them. Then it sort of crept up. He's going to keep on about the same thing. He kept asking why not? My answer was that it would be the same if it were one of his friends, and it's too much. I said that if I'm away, then that'll be different. I have been divorced since he was young and some childhood stuff affected (still can) both of my boys...now young men. I might be harbouring remorse, but they have often said that it wasn't my fault. I'm too soft. 🙂

I feel like this comes down to you not liking your DIL orrr not liking that you appear to have a DIL.

She has gone past just being a random girlfriend, and she is part of the family. If you actually can’t afford the extra to have her around then charge your son more rent. He is an adult and should pay rent like one.

Just have a family sit down, explain the issues together, and then come up with an amount of cash to be contributed (by your son not his girlfriend) for her living with you at weekends.

She probably leaves clothes because she presumed that your son washes his own, if he does then this shouldn’t bother you, if he doesn’t then maybe he should start if her clothes are there too.

Unfortunately, your son has chosen this girlfriend and it is better for you to find workarounds that make everyone comfortable than risk pushing them away.

Why not is because you line there too, pay the bills and you aren’t happy.

When he says why not ask him why he thinks you should sacrifice your own feelings to placate him every single weekend.

It was gf's choice to eat other stuff. I believe that if you had another person in your home Friday to Mon every weekend, you would feel differently. It's not just because it's her; it's the invasion of being in my home all the time. It's having a person in the kitchen, by the cooker, in the bathroom, getting towels out the cupboard. I'm kind, generous and all of his friends like me. His words. I don't eat animals, so even though i disagree with esting them, my boys had a choice and free range chicken is kinder than caged.

"I've tried just cooking for me and my son but she ran into kitchen and made toast for herself. I've tried asking her to bring food but she brings a ready meal and uses big oven."

....ok? I don't see what the problem is with that? I can't imagine caring about someone making toast or using the oven to heat their food up. You have issues.

OP, your writing (and possibly your thinking?) about this is a bit jumbled.

In clear and simple terms - you do not want someone in your space that often. That’s all. It’s your home and you’re entitled to say that he can only have his girlfriend over for X number of days a week. Stop debating it with him. If he doesn’t like it and thinks he’s entitled to have her over ‘because he’s an adult’, point out that as an adult he’s welcome to move out and live on his own terms elsewhere.

Clear, simple, straightforward. None of this nonsense about loaves of bread and coffee.

Because loads of pizza boxes over a fortnight mean that the wheely bin overfloweth! There are always a couple of friends here every evening, in son's room. They order food in, and I think it's okay for them to bring boxes etc downstairs and take (only) huge pizza boxes back in their car. Yes it's weird. Yes it's a load of rubbish to leave on the worktop.

I feel for you with the pizza boxes. Get his mates round for a bonfire? ( probably not helpful if you are in a flat sorry)

To the son: You want to see your GF all weekend? Get a hotel, or move out. And btw your 'rent' goes up to £400 per month from April. Parents do their kids no favours by not teaching them the real costs of things. Rent is £1000 minimum p/m in the south, probably more. And to those saying hide your coffee machine etc no, no no...just no.

I think the crux of it is that you just don’t like her so see everything she does as a nuisance. It’s fine to act like that towards her if they end up breaking up but, if they don’t and she becomes your DIL, she may hate you and stop you seeing the grandkids.

I’m not the poster you replied to, but said similar to them.. my dc are all adults, ds’s last gf was frequently here 2-3 nights a week and I was absolutely fine with it. I still slept in / wore pjs / did whatever. Other ds moved out at 18 for uni, his gf came with him for part of the holidays, she was also more than welcome. Dd stayed with her gps while studying, her bf (now dh) ended up staying there as well.

@medlow *You've got younger kids I assume, and don't have a bf/gf in your house basically 3 days a week? Get back to us then."

No, I have adult children and have had their boyfriends/girlfriends around staying over for indeterminate lengths, had a young adult with nowhere else to go staying with us for months on end, and his girlfriend.

During all of these occasions I have invited these guests into my house, I have urged them to treat the place as home. And they have.

I have also brought my children up to respect me, our home and family, so I accept that I assume they will behave responsibly and expect their own guests to do the same.

If you can afford to be generous to others, then that's fine. (This is in response to those who seem to think that the OP is being 'mean'.)

The OP can't afford it and shouldn't be expected to subsidise another adult.

It should be more than £100 per month. I don't know what money the 20 yr old son has coming in but if you work out gas, electricity water, food - it adds up to way, way more than that and then there is his girlfriend - his guest not yours. If he wants her over and she cannot or will not pay towards anything, then he has to. I can appreciate that things are a lot different these days and would not wish some of the strict social and financial constraints I (and may others I imagine) endured as a child and then as a young adult, I just think you need some balance. It is better to give the children/young adults some incentive to either get a better paid job, or if at College to get a part time job. It teaches them about budgeting and let's face it in the real world, unless parents are wealthy enough to be able to subsidise children and partners all through their life, nobody else but themselves is going to pay their daily/monthly living expenses. I would not want any child to be brought up as strictly as me and my siblings were, and believe me we were not allowed to have people in the house, let alone stay over. As soon as I was able I had a paper job at 13 and bought my own stationery etc for school, a Saturday job at 14 - bought own clothes, from 9 onwards I was babysitting for neighbours - to buy sweets or presents for family at birthdays and Christmas. At 16 I started full time work in an office for the princely sum of £4.7/6pw and I had to give dad £2pw lodge. I left home soon after and got a flat with friend and after rent I was left with about £2pw for clothes, make up going out etc. I moved to London at 17 until 20. I returned home got a job straight away and eventually bought my first/own house at age 21, so it did instill a sense of purpose and taught me budgeting and independence. When I got married, my husband just gave me his wages and after that broke down years later (not over money) my next partner always made sure that most of his money went into the house, in fact I had to force him to get his own bank account as he was happy to give me it all. If I had children, I too would want only the best for them amd would not be that strict but I truly blieve that not taking a reasonable contribution towards living costs is not in anyone's best interest. I just believe if you spoil your children by paying for everything - it is not going to be so easy to sustain a house or family of their own. Sermon over.

It’s interesting that you’ve made negative comments about her upbringing but here’s your cf son moving his gf into your house without even asking and getting shitty with you because he thinks 25 pounds a week entitles him to. If he’s clever enough to figure out your snobbery towards her, he’s smart enough to understand that he’s taking the proverbial.

Sit them both down and tell them at the same time that once a month is more than enough and if they don’t like it, they are both free to explore alternative options. If he presses for the real reason, tell him that him inviting someone to stay in your house, without your permission, whilst you pick up the tab, is the real reason.