Adult (20) Stepdaughter Won’t Wash Her Dishes

[Flowerchild1]

Hi,
Shes 20, doesn’t go to school, doesn’t work. Doesn’t lift one finger around the house. She also leaves trash on the counter when the trash can is full. I cook for her, bring her food if I buy food for myself. No consideration. I’m not allowed to tell her anything per my partner’s request. What are ways I can hint things at her or actions to let her know I’m upset at the way she lives her life?

You didn’t smarten up, you actually acted incredibly silly to give up your financial freedom.

You moved in and CHOSE to do everything.

If he couldn’t handle the house being upside down then he could help clean it or get the kids to clean up after themselves but why would he do that when he has a live in maid.

How did he manage before you moved in?

There was looked like a homeless shelter. I ignored it because I knew he worked all day and his children were capable of holding the fort down but they didn’t.

You could play along while you put away amounts of cash to build up a little pot of money for when you leave, if you do. No paper statements, ever. Just an app.

Reframe the lazy girl as just a job you do. Make it as easy as possible to cater for her. As few plates as possible, easiest meals for your highness. Find satisfaction in how much you have cut back on her “care” and how much she thinks you do just for her.

Smile inside when you think of how much she is a waste of space on this planet and how she will waste her life away just taking up space. Don’t spend mental energy on her. Tell you DP it’s satisfying to help her while she finds her feet …

Be sure you look after yourself. Keep your friends and interests.

And what would happen if you told him you want to be in a relationship with him but don't want to live with him anymore and moved out. An adult is not your responsibility. Bet he'd be straight onto looking for the next live in cook/ nanny.

except she has @Longsummerdays25because it is entirely up to her if she leaves him or not

Why would you marry a man who can and likely will leave you and your son homeless?

You need a job. You need your own house. You can't invest if you don't have any money.

Protect your child FGS. He's YOUR responsibility.

You sound miserable OP, is this really what you want for your life? You don't have stepchildren, your partner has adult children. Sounds like you are selling yourself too cheaply. I feel desperately sorry for your son. You think that you are providing him with financial security but is it worth messing him up in the process?

No she won't

No it’s not. You’re right.

He's using you as a maid. You are using him to house and pay for you and your son. Neither of you are victims of the daughter, who sounds depressed.

I wouldn't be marrying this man. I'd be packing my bags as soon as soon as I was able.

You're using him, he's using you. You either suck it up or leave. You're both as bad as each other.

Don't do anything for her. Don't prepare her anything to eat or do her washing. I wouldn't even buy any food in you know she likes. Your husband is too soft on her.

Why move in then?

You knew if you moved in you would have to do the cleaning if you didn’t want it looking like a homeless shelter.

So you are choosing to do all of the cleaning because he was happy with it being a mess like before you moved in.

Exactly. No sympathy here.

@Flowerchild1

Despite what you say, no, you don't love him, you love what he can provide for you and DS. Now, before you get into a huff, understand that I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, on the surface.

But you have to understand that a 'marriage of convenience' (MOC) can be very INconvenient when it comes right down to it. Because you are signing up to a life of 'what he wants' not 'what WE want'. He is in the driver's seat and you are just along for the ride. And he can 'kick you out the car' at any time.

And at the end of the day even if you marry the chances are you will walk away with nothing or almost nothing, either because he has tied up his assets right and tight and no longer has use for you or because he dies and leaves it all to his DC (as he should).

You also have to consider the damage he may do to your son. It's pretty clear that he doesn't give a shit about him and will probably 'block' any attempt by you to help him get ahead or enjoy his life. Your son will see this man's children & grandchildren get everything from him whilst he gets nothing. Is this fair to your son?

So, if what you want is a life of fetching, carrying, cleaning, agreeing, gritting your teeth, and having crumbs tossed your way only to end up with very little, then continue on your path. But you better be prepared to STFU because you have no right to complain. You know what you're signing up for. Or you can realize that as hard as it is to work full time and run a tiny home on a shoestring and having to do without, it can be better to do that than spend the rest of your life as an indentured servant.

This hit home, I needed to hear this.

So what's the problem then?

He financially provides for you and your son and in exchange you run the household.. so run the household, which includes looking after step daughter unfortunately, but it is what it is and it's what you signed up for.

If you don't like it, then just leave.

This is just such a weird thread op.

You have a son you want him to provide huge financial support to, but he doesn’t want to because he has negative opinions of him.

He has a daughter he wants you to provide huge practical support to but you resent to but because you think she’s hopeless.

You are all wanting and expecting a lot of each other, no one wants to give it.

And you are getting married. 🤔

She may have the expectation that you are going to cook for her and clean up after her but you do not have to meet it.

Tell your DH she is no longer a child and you will no longer provide for her. See how long he lasts when he has to cook for her and pick up her shit.

All this 'if I don't feed her she will starve' stuff is utter bullshit. Unless she has disabilities or her opposable thumbs have fallen off she is perfectly capable of getting off her arse and pitching in.

She’s not in education, employment or training and she doesn’t clean her teeth or shower. You have far bigger problems than her not doing housework. Her life is in a serious mess and she needs help.

Love, you’re in a ridiculous situation with a man who really isn’t invested in your welfare or happiness

he’s all talk.

you may be head over heels for him, but he’s in it for himself only. He’s an appalling parent too. You’re going to get utterly shafted

and you’re being taken advantage of.