Adult (20) Stepdaughter Won’t Wash Her Dishes

[Flowerchild1]

Hi,
Shes 20, doesn’t go to school, doesn’t work. Doesn’t lift one finger around the house. She also leaves trash on the counter when the trash can is full. I cook for her, bring her food if I buy food for myself. No consideration. I’m not allowed to tell her anything per my partner’s request. What are ways I can hint things at her or actions to let her know I’m upset at the way she lives her life?

So why don't you get a job?

Believe it or not but I finally got him to set a date after all these years! He makes comments here and there that his taxes will be going up if we get married. Lol! He’s a low key d*ck. He also resents my son because he hustles. I asked him if he would help him start up a business in the future and he told me he needs to start from the bottom up. I asked him why if he has a stepdad with all the resources. He just said ‘we’ll see when he gets there. He may not even want to own a business’ lol

You're going to marry him?

Fucking hell.

You wanna know the truth. I was working PLUS doing the same shit I do now. I smartened up and quit. It’s either one or the other and he couldn’t handle the house being upside down.

Why the fuck would you want to saddle yourself to this man by getting married?

Your son is an ADULT? Your "fiance" is financially supporting two adults who don't work and you're complaining about him?

My son is 14

So what do you mean by "he hustles"? Sounds like you're expecting the fiance to bankroll him.

It wasn't smart though, other than in the very short term. You've just made it more difficult for you to extract yourself from a toxic situation. I recommend starting to look for work today. And then make plans to move out.

With every update you both sound worse, if this is a genuine post then you're just wasting your life on this loser, you've got nothing nice to say about him, he treats you like his personal slave and resents your son but you're happy to marry him just for a roof over your head.

You are not coming across well here OP.

You and your son live with him for free and you call him a dick for not helping your son start up his own business!!

You may cook and clean but you’re coming off as just as entitled as the daughter.

I feel sorry for the bloke providing for everyone and getting the piss taken out of him.

Don't provide food - she can get her own. If you're serving food to her as part of a family meal put it on the dirty plates she's left lying around. If nothing else she might leave if you do these things.

Given that he won't change, and you don't want to leave, the remaining option is to look upon his step-daughter as your 'job' - the price you pay for him supporting you and your son financially.

Your other option is to leave.

Every choice costs, and you get to choose the price you pay.

You have no idea of everything I do for him. There’s a lot to put on here but I’d be a novel. That’s fine I understand you don’t have the backstory. Thank you for your time

This is insane. Get a job, stop being their skivvy, move out, be done with all their shit. Show your son a better way.

Why are you with him? Like... Honestly, why?

Are you off now then?

Yes to be honest op you both sound like you are using each other.

I’m not sure the daughter is really the main problem here.

It seems like he has got a complete hold on you.

If you leave would you be entitled to any benefits? Are you in the U.K.? (I ask because your use of language sounds not British.)

You have nothing to stay for. He is using you.

I'm going to be harsh here.

This man and his family are using you. Eventually he will toss you aside and you will have nothing. For god's sake get yourself a job and work hard OUTSIDE the house. Show your son that you respect yourself, because all he sees is people disrespecting you.

Keep your wages for yourself and then move out with your son. This is such an unhealthy dynamic and believe me, it won't improve as you age.

And don't believe a word he says about marriage and money. He won't let you have a penny and will expect you to be a servant to him and his kids.

I would start capitalising on your position if nothing wise. Start working and saving, vigorously. Let his house be your springboard to your own independence. Otherwise you are absolutely screwed.

Well you’re both using each other aren’t you.

you use him for money.

he uses you to be his and his kids skivvy.

but the choice is entirely yours.

you either accept that this exchange - money for a skivvy - is worth it, and you stay. Or you don’t and you leave.

A few things to unpack here and I think it all comes down to your DP. Your SD can’t be happy living like that, not brushing her teeth or washing etc- sounds to me like she is depressed or something and the fact your DP is saying not to rock the boat is not helping his daughter. He needs to get to the bottom of what’s going on with her to help her move forward. You say she would starve if you didn’t feed her and if that’s really true then further supports the point that she needs help. Your DP is not looking after her in any deeper way than bankrolling her life.
i don’t like the fact it all falls to you and the way you have described things with him does not sound like an emotionally connected and fulfilling relationship but a practical one. You say you love him but it’s not clear if you’re getting back what you deserve. I appreciate the financial setup is one that may give you some sense of security, but it’s all at his control so not really secure at all. It’s not sounding like a teamwork kind of set up which is what I think marriage should be. I guess everyone approaches these things differently but I do think for long term happiness you need to both be on the same page and value each other and what you bring to the partnership. Good luck x

Only there is a huge money and power imbalance here that is very striking. He has all of the cards. Not op. He has the houses, assets, money and choice. She has nothing at all, not even a voice.

It’s despicable of him, and almost trafficking in my view. Using an impoverished woman for his own gain.