Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

And he HAS those few hours!

And he HAS those few hours a week to bond with the baby!!!

Good grief! The baby is only 6 weeks old. No wonder she wants him to see the baby when she is there. She’s not banning access.
You are being completely unreasonable.

Courts are biased toward mothers .

Bullshit, @Snoringdogsfarting ! If that were true, mothers wouldn't have to give their abusive, battering and violent ex-husbands contact with their children! He can visit his son whenever he wants apparently, HE is simply not bothered. This reads like the OP wanting to see her grandson more than her son wants to be a father.

Where is the evidence he takes his responsibility as a father seriously? He has done fuck all so far, only visited 4 times in 6 weeks and now won't visit because he can't get his way. So he'd rather not see baby at all. He's a deadbeat father and this reads as OP needing to fulfill a hole in her life and have a grandchild there, more than it sounds like he is interested. And 'misandrist' is not remotely a thing any more than 'reverse racism' is. You sound full of hate for women and for the needs of the baby.

Because the baby still sees itself as part of the mother and NEEDS her to regulate itself! If you truly don't understand why a baby needs its mother at SIX WEEKS OLD, there is something seriously missing in your thinking faculty.

Babies don't have a concept of time. If you take a baby away from its mother, the baby won't be thinking 'it's ok, it's only for a few hours'.

@Snoringdogsfarting that’s rubbish, mothers are often forced to provide access to children regardless of the abuse and violence that has occurred in marriage. Courts don’t give a crap, they are equally fair to fathers these days if not more fair than they are to mothers to the detriment of children’s mental health and well being.

Well neither is this father going by OP's own account. He has had the opportunity to visit his child at the mother's home but has only bothered to do this four times in six weeks. That is less than once a week. How nurturing and caring is this? He will be a complete stranger to the baby.

Not with two hour visits they can’t. Very young babies don’t have huge social networks; they focus on primary caregivers - which a couple of hours here and there is not.

Oh you're that type of boy mother. Ewe good luck to that poor young girl.

You haven’t mentioned how much child support your son is paying. If he’s paying a fair and regular amount even without a court order he has more chance of getting access. Aside from that you need to sit him down and explain about contraception, it doesn’t sound anything like a committed relationship and 19 is very young to be taking on the responsibility of a child.

Did you read the OPs posts?
He has access just not in the way the OP wants.

I had my baby at just turned 20 and it was hard. My ex mil as I was married to her son is she was like my best mate she really did help. I've been split with ex husband now and she still helps me with things like reminding me of things etx and supportive. But drop a message and say I'm here if needed with or without son sorry things have got this way. If you want a nap or me to do some cleaning for you I will happily come and help. Do this 2 - 3 times per week. It's lonely very lonely. If she lives with parents then ask her if she would like to go for a coffee. Don't make it just about baby buy baby stuff ask jf she needs any help and when she slags your son off let her vent you need her on side she needs like formulae or nappies and wipes. Treat the mum to a voucher for hair dresses. Honestly my ex mil was amazing I had to wean of her before I split with her son as I missed her support the most

Yes I see your side ,all too often the dad gets left out and not considered his feeling. I would feel like you to if it was my son. And how about your feelings
being a grandmother especially for the first time it the best thing to happen. But as they are not a couple anymore it does bring problems.I agree with lots of people about the baby being a bit young to be away from its mother and of course you understand that . But you just want to be involved and that is a good thing. Just try and compromise and be kind to each other and offer as much support to the young girl and hopefully you can become closer and become a great grandmother. Your son is very young and needs guidance which I’m sure you will give him. You sound like a great mum.

Birth mum could be all sorts of a nightmare but we only have your information. Based on what I've read so far, what stands out significantly is-

The mum IS OFFERING access in a very reasonable way. It's an OPPORTUNITY for the golden boy ( your son) to step up and demonstrate he's safe and capable

What else stands out is that YOU ENABLE your son.
19 is incredibly young. Yet, you are doing things he should be doing.

Rather than communicating on his behalf like he's some mute learning disabled dependant,why don't you guide him as to how he might try communicate with his ex, by himself. He will have to drop his ego and so will you.

Communication,based on what you are telling me, would be him agreeing graciously to the offer to be in the ex's home, and tell her how much he is willing to show her he can be a good father. To drop his confused sense this object/ toy ( the baby ) is his to be shared equally right now without evidence to demonstrate there's any capacity to care for a fucking hamster.

Then,he needs to sit tight and see how things proceed after he has PROVEN willing in light of the fact the baby is 6 weeks old.

You and son are acting like the baby is your object, possession and not a human being. You will be doing it all, he won't. All you are doing here is meeting your own needs.

I'm a mother to 1 son OP btw.

I feel your point has been completely missed by triggered women who refuse to acknowledge the man in any kind of way! They just want to spin your son in a bad light to justify the mothers behavior- how they find reason in her behavior is beyond me. Going as far as talking about the childs birth cert- another way to control a child not seeing their father, how is that in the best interest for the child.

It just highlights why men give up or walk away, it must be horrible to deal with women like that!

I would be documenting all of your interactions as well as seeks legal advice.

The father that gets the raw deal? Are you for fucking real? Men have by far the easier ride when it comes to parenthood. To suggest otherwise is just stupid.

He didn't grow the baby or risk his life delivering it. It's not him that will be judged by society for every damn thing he does.

Of course the baby shouldn't be away from her at six weeks.thats obvious.

You need to work on your internalised misogyny she's not a girl. She's a woman and a mother who has just been through a massive life change.

You should be teaching your son to threat her with respect and be supportive. Not trying to incite him to go to war with a young mother trying to recover from birth. Your lack of empathy is astonishing.

Men give up and walk away because a mother places a very reasonable rule that her literally newborn baby spends time with the father in her presence while it’s literally only weeks old? Hmm he can’t really be that caring or dedicated to being a father then.

The baby is only 6 weeks and the dad has already stopped speaking to the mother because he didn’t get things 100% his way immediately!

Well said. Fathers do have a hard times at trying to be a good father. There are some mums just want the baby to be solely theirs. And don’t won’t the father around. But with good reason for some mothers. But offering practical help is a good thing if the mothers will let them.

I think her son is being an idiot (probably pushed into it by her, but that's his fauult as well), and I am a man. How does that fit with your theory?

There's absolutely no way my wife would ever have trusted me alone with the kids for a weekend when they were six weeks old. She'd probably have to think about it now, and they are both in their final years at university.

Not wanting to let a six week old baby go off visiting for weekends is not a sign that anyone wants the baby to be solely theirs though. It's basic common sense. Trying to paint her as anything other than a normal, sensible new mother for doing this is either stupid or malicious. You can choose which applies in this case.

Kindly OP, what has this got to do with you, anyway? Perhaps the best thing you can do for these young parents is butt out, and let them develop bonds with the baby in their own ways. Your ds going to support the baby's mother at her home where he can get to know the baby and its routines is the best way forward. He does not need you going on about his parental rights and encouraging him to be negative about his former girlfriend. Stay out of it.

You are being totally unreasonable.

Yabu because baby is only 6 weeks old. He has a right to spend time with baby but no right to insist that baby is separated from the mother at 6 weeks old.