Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

She kinda does when he has rights (and responsibilities) to his child.

Who cares what he wants? His wants aren't important. The baby's needs are.

He's perfectly welcome to bond with his child without needing to separate a newborn from his mother, because the mother is happy to facilitate visits.

If he wanted to bond with his child more than that, perhaps he should have taken more care not to have one with a woman he wasn't in a stable relationship with.

If she's got any sense at all she won't have put him on the birth certificate.

What have you read to suggest he is capable?

He has bought stuff - ok that is good.
He has seen the baby 4 times in 6 weeks - that doesn’t seem capable to me.
He isn’t talking to the baby’s mum at the moment- again not really a sign of being capable.

Maybe I have missed something?

Sad that...
Father's not considered at all. Although I wonder how long it will be before she starts claiming child maintenance.

If he wanted to bond with his child more than that, perhaps he should have taken more care not to have one with a woman he wasn't in a stable relationship with.- How does this even make sense?

Yes that's sensible. Deprive the child of the their father!

A father who wants a relationship with their child and some people on this post have managed to make him the bad guy all because he wants a few hours with his child.. Blows my mind

It makes perfect sense. If he were actually living with the mother of his child he could do his share of night feeds and nappy changes and would have no problems bonding with his child.

Should have worn a condom until he was living with and ideally married to the prospective mother of his child.

At 6 weeks old even a non-breastfed baby should be spending most of its time with the main care-giver, not passed around like a doll. He needs to be a parent first and her ex second, spend time with his son in the baby’s home, and build a relationship over time, not expect to take the baby away at this young age.

OP, not tearing you down but I just had a baby too. A lot older than your son and his ex but it’s probably just worry for the bad. It’s a bit irrational sure but it’s just fear. I don’t know why in the early I was just so afraid to leave her (Even going downstairs to get a glass of water made me feel uneasy).

the other thing is maybe she is trying to make the baby feel safe etc and she isn’t comfortable taking him out. Hope it gets sorted. 6 weeks is nothing but feeds, nappy changes and worry about every breathe, every cry, etc. my one didn’t like to poop - I can’t tell you how much worry and Google I did…she is a pro at it now!!!

I've seen several threads on here posted by traumatised women whose ex partners have refused to give their babies back after contact and because the father is on the birth certificate the police can't do anything about it.

If I were unfortunate enough to be pregnant with the child of a man I wasn't in a relationship with and not even on good terms with, I would absolutely leave him off the birth certificate. (Which is not a prerequisite for either the payment of maintenance or the child having a relationship with their father, by the way.)

Because that way, if the father was actually motivated to be added to the birth certificate and have parental responsibility, it would be granted by a judge who would also make an order regarding access arrangements, and if he breached the terms of that order by refusing to return my baby, I could get the police involved.

I'll say it again....

This is about the OP wanting the baby at her house and her having access, it has little if anything to do with the father having access.

There is nothing to suggest the mum has denied the father access, she just wants the baby to remain at her home whilst he is so young.

The father could learn to look after the baby during his visits which would give the mum confidence he can provide the care the baby needs. OP isn't interested in that because she intends to take over looking after the baby as soon as he comes to her house.

Also in the real world we have women traumatizing their children whilst their fathers are trying to get access to protect them. Or their mother's are exposing them to other dangerous people. No two situations are the same. You literally only get a snippet of what's going on here. And yet it is assumed the father isn't good.

Other women (or men) never want to assume that woman could actually be in the wrong. The mother may not be communicating with him. The mother could may well be controlling. There could be a list of things that may show the mother may not be responsible however, the OP has not been nasty about her at all. All she wanted was a way to know how to help her son to see his child.

But most fathers have seen their children more than 4 times and don’t take them to a strange house

Well, he has a good job by the sounds of it. He’s willing to be involved and wants to be present in his child’s life. He’s providing for mum and baby. I am
assuming these things based on the op.

We don’t know whether he’s been prevented from seeing baby more regularly by the mum. He’s tried talking to the mum and it’s turning into arguments - this is likely both of their fault, not just his.

You’re assuming he’s an arsehole but there’s nothing here to say that he is. I don’t agree that mum has monopoly and final say just by virtue of being the mother. His presence is equally as important for the baby.

Being on the birth certificate means nothing. Get advice and go to family court and if you can’t afford a solicitor get a McKenzie friend. There is lots of advice online on how to go about it all. Please remember though that the mother can say anything she dreams up about the father to stop him seeing the child, but will still be able to claim maintenance. Paying doesn’t mean you’re given the right to see the child. Courts are biased toward mothers .

Listen to yourself

Come on @LolaJ82 it's not a dolly they've paid half each for at the store & get 50% time with at this point.

Since she spent 9 hours growing it & subsequently squeezing it out, this young lady has spent 1,000 hours caring for this tiny human around the clock, and now your son wants to take it away for hours at a time after seeing it 4 times!?

Jog on!

As per the vast majority, my husband spent dozens of hours caring for our newborns within the first 6 weeks, but rarely too them away from me for more that a 30 minute walk round the park.

He's got days and days of time he needs to put in learning how to care for their child from the woman who's doing it full time.

Once he's shown some level of competence in changing it, feeding it, burping it, settling it to sleep, getting it dressed, and generally allowing this baby to get to know him as an additional familiar & safe SMELL, let alone pair of hands. Maybe then they could take it for a few walks in the pram together. Then maybe she might feel comfortable about going to another room to nap for 30 minutes while he sits in the same house with baby. Then, after several months maybe it's appropriate for him to take it for a short walk without her. You know, following a broadly similar pattern to the care of babies which live in the same house as their father full time, with the parents getting along!

Sperm donation does not convey hostage-taking rights at 6 weeks old!!! And he needs to learn how to be a father with the woman he created this child with - not from his own mother in a completely removed situation.

Your only role here to "fix" this is to encourage him to be in the same room as his child and it's mother as often as possible now. And to learn how to nurture THEIR child from her. And maybe to check he's got access to, and knows how to use, appropriate birth control next time...

Just a suggestion, could you not invite her to your house so you could spend time with baby in your home with mom there as well. Your son would probably feel more relaxed in his own home and his ex gf may feel more relaxed with that, and having a chat and cup of tea with you plus getting to know you, because she dosnt know you really if you've only met her twice, she would be getting out, but still being with her baby, she's probably the same as most new moms, scared to trust anyone with her 6 week old, let alone someone she dosnt know, right or wrong, its how most of us are, and different as child gets a bit older. Good luck and I hope it works out well for all of you.

Posters aren't saying that it's bad that your son wants to bond with his baby. They're saying that the baby needs to be with its mother while it's only six weeks old. There's a difference in those two sentences. You need to support your son to see what's in the best interests of his baby, not push to have the baby in his care just because he wants to.
Also why's he expecting you to sort it out now that's it's got messy? As an adult he should be stepping up, not expecting you to do that for him, unless he's very immature.

What? It's true.

Not sure what point you're trying to make here.

The point I was making is that, knowing what I now do, the chances that I would willingly give somebody the power to take my newborn baby away and not return them are approximately zero.

And that's what giving parental responsibility to your flaky ex (whose mother seems likely to egg him on regarding his "rights") means.

If by "biased" in favour of mothers you mean "would laugh this impetuous young man who clearly has neither the welfare of his baby or the baby's mother at heart out of court", then yes, you are right.

Only the lowest bottom feeders among the legal profession would agree to take on his case.

This is because that approach would constitute emotional and psychological abuse of the mother.

As he isn't married to the baby's mum, he would only be on the birth certificate if he attended the appointment to register the baby with the mother of his child.

Even if he took the mum to court, it is doubtful that the court would rule in favour of such a small baby being taken away from its mum when she has said that she is happy for OP and her son to see the baby in her home.

Neither OP nor her son are showing much respect for the mother of the baby. Hopefully, her own parents are supportive.

Honestly knowing what things were like co-parenting my newborn with my ex (and I use the term coparenting very very loosely), the fact that he's allowed in her house is something! She is the one with primary care of this baby, so he needs to suck it up and do it on her terms for now. If baby becomes unsettled, he's going to want his mum and it'll be that way for a while! She is no doubt sleep deprived, terrified and probably emotionally exhausted as well and now she likely feels that her ex and his mum are pressuring her into things she isn't comfortable with which is only going to make her withdraw further here, whether that's your intent or not. They need to learn to communicate effectively and stay civil with each other, this baby's needs come first and sorry to say it, but as the one who's just given birth and is currently doing most, if not all of the care, the mum's needs are a very close second.

If your son intends to prove himself as being a good and devoted dad, then he's going about it the wrong way.

You said he was capable.

I asked what you based that on
after acknowledging he had bought stuff.

You have said
he bought stuff
he has tried to see the baby
he has tried to talk to the mum

To me those are not indications of being capable