Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

Yes it is completely unreasonable to expect a new mother to be apart from her newborn baby.

OP, why haven't you been upfront and called the mom asking her if you could come visit? That would seem pretty normal, along with taking a gift.

Instead you're venting about how she won't give the father access which is incorrect. He has access. At her house. Again, normal given how young the baby is.

What do you hope to gain by taking a young infant out of its mother's home to yours with unfamiliar people and an unfamiliar place? Taking the baby to an unfamiliar place for hours at this tiny is not step up and is much more likely to upset the baby rather than facilitate bonding.

Name Change by OP? This is ridiculous.

@LolaJ82 he’s not being particularly supportive, he’s asking you to be supportive. Stop doing his ‘work’ for him and let him work it out with her.
He and her have the baby, not she and you. Let him show the necessary maturity instead of giving it all to you to deal with.

OP have a long hard think about your attitudes here.

you have a grown son who has a baby with a you woman who you don’t like: you have told him repeatedly that she is only after him for money. He now has fallen out with her. You are angry with her because he wants more access to their baby than she is currently comfortable with. So you are going after her on his behalf. He hands his problems to your to fix.

the baby is another boy. He will be influenced by your son’s attitudes to women.

So she isn't restricting access? If she's letting him see the baby then i don't see a problem? She's a new mum, her emotions will be all over the place. I think it's unreasonable for you to be wanting to take the baby to your house for a few hours without mum. What is the problem with you going to her house? You're going to have to get used to seeing her and speaking to her, she's the mother of your grand baby after all.

Oh no the poor men who give up and walk away! My mother and step father were difficult. Actually restricting access and parental alienation (absolutely not what the OP’s situation is at all!) My father never gave up and walked away, thank fuck!

what is unreasonable about her behaviour? She's not preventing contact, just doesn't want the child taken away for hours at a time. She has offered her own home as a base for contact, which with a newborn is perfectly reasonable.

Why is it that the girl (mum) wants for nothing? No money for her, just for baby (bought by him - nappies, clothes, wipes). If she wants a warmer relationship she works on it herself, starting with allowing fair access

No, he has to give maintenence, he can buy nappies etc additionally, but he can't not pay and buy goods instead.

She is also allowing fair access, ops son wants it all ops his way.

I doubt she actually wants for nothing! This is mummy’s rose tinted glasses.

She is (I assume) a teenage girl who has recently given birth. We have no idea whether she lives with her parents or in her own place. We have no idea how much money the dad gives her. Mummy thinks he is is on a great income - so let’s say £35k. £350 a month in cms. He is living at home and on a big salary so he can afford to be generous. We don’t know if the mother was working, at college or unemployed (or even still at school).

but the baby stage is so much more expensive. Did he buy the pram, the cot, the baby clothes?

Does OP mean her son is funding her whole life, paying her rent, buying her groceries, her clothing etc?

we have no idea either way.

Look I’ve been through this as the man and you have two paths that you can take. Get dragged down into the mud of pointless tit-for-tat conflict OR step up and be a parent. These roads go off in opposite directions you can’t walk both. If your ex is a literal nightmare that’s even more reason to sidestep the conflict as you will likely be the only source of normalcy and stability in the child’s life.

Also as someone who came from a broken home I’d like to point out growing up in an environment where one parent is constantly maligned by other, and I don’t care how right you think you feel it WILL wreck the child. As children we identify with both parents if you sit there In seething resentment you will cause trauma to your kid.

The baby is too young to be taken away from mum. Dad needs to suck it up and see his baby with mum there for the time being. If he is refusing to see the baby because she is there this won’t be seen as good on his part. Both needs to grow up and learn how to talk to each other in regards to coparenting tbh. I’m not best buddies with my ex but it is the best interest of the kids that we communicate. If she’s breast feeding it is a big ask to take the baby away from mum.

I’m a mum to be (due in a matter of weeks) and through various issues with my baby’s father during pregnancy I had to end the relationship. Or at least it’s on hold for now.

I have told him he is more than welcome to spend as much time with the baby when it gets here as he wants but it will be in my home or with me present at least. And until I’m at the point where I’m comfortable leaving the baby with him then that’s how it will be. If he wants family to meet his baby then again he can bring them to my home to meet the baby but this will all depend on how I am feeling and how i am recovering.

For context I’m 40 (first child) and he’s 43 (3 grown up kids) our relationship was very new when I got pregnant and despite me being almost full term and splitting with him only a few weeks ago I don’t know his family all that well and some of his actions have made me question his ability to be a dad. It’s about me witnessing how he is with a baby how the baby is with him and can he manage and cope. I don’t care if his sisters or other women being around it’s about what I want for my baby and what I think is best.

as a woman and a mother I would have thought you would understand that separating a mother from her baby will never work.

you should be encouraging your son to go and bond with the baby with the mothers blessing in her home. Yeah it will be awkward but at the end of the day if he’s grown up enough to have a baby and be a dad then he’s grown enough to be a man and do what’s best for his child.

if he can prove that he’s a good dad with mum present, can change a nappy, soothe the baby when it’s upset, complete a feed to name but a few things then mum will start to be more open about letting dad have baby for a few hours. You have said yourself you don’t know this girl so she obviously doesn’t know you and handing a baby off to strangers is just crazy’

Could you not invite her and the baby to yours for a couple of hours so DS is more comfortable and confident but shes there. Baby is only 6 weeks ans potentially EBF

Having known someone very close just gone through a similar thing the only way to solve was to take her to court eventually if you can’t agree. However as the baby is only 6 weeks old at the moment, it needs to be with its mother. It is unreasonable to expect her to let your son or you see the baby without her present and it’s a completely unfair ask. So no, until it’s older it should be visits only with her present.

The baby will be about 7 months old now , I wonder if things ever got resolved

Firstly, you’re way too involved. Step back and tell your son to grow up and deal with himself.

Secondly, the mum is being very reasonable and saying the father can see his son, but at 6 weeks, he has to do it in the baby’s home where the mother is close.

Continue pushing and these early days issues will never iron out and you’ll be facing a ln 18 year battle!

Are you quite okay OP? A tiny baby should not be taken away from mum. Where did this rant come from? Is this how your son behaves too? Apple, tree, etc

If she’s allowing visits at her house, he hasn’t a leg to stand on in court as he has access that is appropriate to the baby’s age. My partner couldn’t have his daughter overnight until after she was 1, and that was with 3 other kids by her. This is what’s right for the baby.