Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

Court ordered my nephew 1 hour alone a week from 12 weeks then building up to 2 hours from 18 weeks for a bottle fed baby. He got his case rolling before baby was born so all ready to go as soon as baby born.

Assume you live in Norway? You say that despite this lots of people put 6 week old babies in nursery?

that is fascinating - and very different culturally from the UK and Irwland. While it is possible to get daycare here for babies that young it is very rare for people to access it. And our maternity leave isn’t as generous as you are used to.

Relation of mine had an ex and a MIL like the OP. Ex turned up once in a blue moon and was generally late if he turned up at all.

When her DC was 12 months old she was offered the opportunity to transfer her job 400 miles away. She accepted.

Ex took her to court and was told he could have sessions in a contact centre every other week where child now lived. He stormed out of court because he assumed mother and child would be expected to travel to him. Court offered him a second chance - he didn't show up, so they cancelled his PR request too.

It was left that he could send birthday and Christmas presents... to this day not a single card let alone gift has ever arrived and nothing has ever been heard from him again.

Sorry but you’re just going to have to suck it up for now.
She’s the mother and you need to dance to her tune.

I think putting a newborn into childcare is incredibly sad for everyone. What you say about the use on nannies sort of proves the point of the mum in this scenario though - the nanny will be very familiar to the baby, as that contact that's been built up, and the baby is being cared for in their own home, a familiar environment.
Not one person is saying that the dad shouldn't be involved. Everyone is saying though that it should be done in the way that is best for the baby, not best for their dad or nan - who h is with the mum present and at the baby's home. Once the baby is a bit older and more familiar with their dad, and the world generally, would be the time to start thinking about how contact away from their mum could work.

My nephew now has full custody of his ds and has brought him up for almost 4 years, because the mother is a drug addict who won't get clean despite several chances of rehab and support.

I can tell you this nobody, especially people I don't know, would be taking my baby away from me at 6 weeks old. It's far too young. It wouldn't matter if they were breastfed or not.
You sound like a right bunch to be honest. Awful.

That is not even remotely the situation here.

If he has a “really good job” at 19 years old why is he going for 50/50 custody? Also getting women pregnant at 19 he doesn’t seem like the most intelligent, classy man so I’m not sure I believe you.

The father has access to the baby. It's not unreasonable for the baby to be with its mother at 6 weeks old. If the father wants more contact time he is going to have to learn how to talk to his ex to arrange that. The OP could support him in that aim without putting herself right in the middle of her son and his ex.

This thread is not about the father having access it's about the OP getting access on her terms. Nothing wrong with a grandmother wanting a relationship with her grandchild but OP is not going about it in a particularly helpful way. Intentionally or not she is alienating the mother of her grandchild.

Speaking as someone who witnessed this go on for more than 10 years to my brother and his kids- do yourself a favour now- do it early- get a solicitor, go to court, and have set access hours established that way. Otherwise the child will be weaponised and on and on and on it goes, on off on off, with lots of turmoil and heartache depending on the mother’s mood. Save yourself a lot of crap and either you or your son make it legal.

Don’t think the mum is doing anything wrong here. This is a newborn not a toddler. She isn’t denying your son contact and most bonded mum/babies don’t want to be separated from each other. You sound a bit pushy to be honest and it’s probably off-putting for her as it won’t bode well for the future.

Speak to a solicitor specialising in family law, and get proper, legal advice for your son.

Is your son definite the baby is his? A good friend of mine was in the same scenario...Got to the point she disregarded every court order to let her son see the child, but was quite happy to take child support from him. My friend always had a niggle in the back of her mind, her son wasn't the father. Two years later, she finally persuaded her son to have a dna test. Turns out, he wasn't the father and she didn't have to pay back all the child support she fraudulently took. It took him some time to get over it.Upsetting for all the family.

What a load of nonsense posts. A baby is quite capable of being away from its mother for a few hours at 6 weeks (or indeed at any time). Indeed some women die in childbirth, or some have to go back to work straight away and the babies are looked after by nannies; some children are adopted or taken into care. In fact many mothers welcome a break, and would be very grateful for the father to take over for a few hours.

And as the courts look for what’s in the best interests of the child, not what’s in the best interest of a selfish mother who wants to punish the father.

The post saying you need to keep a record of every conversation is bang on the money. Communicate by WhatsApp and take screenshots.

If she denies the father access, or in some way in the future tries to poison the child against him, the courts are quite capable of awarding him primary caring duties and she will be the one arranging limited visitation rights.

Good luck!

Or…..stop infantalising this young man. He should be able to figure this out himself. He should be able to have a mature conversation with the mother of his baby. He should be able to access legal advice HIMSELF if attempts at a reasonable compromise can’t be reached.

mummy needs to back off and accept he is a grown up father not a little boy.

I'm sure the baby could survive a few hours separation from his mother.

That's not the point.

The point is, how does he benefit from being separated from his mother at 6 weeks old?

Because - rather obviously - he will spend time bonding with his father without the mother sticking her oar in.

To repeat what I said: plenty of babies spend time away from their mothers with other carers - grandparents, fathers, nannies, etc.

You are a terrible example for your son. Very immature, inflexible attitude which means you will probably eventually be cut out of this DGC’s life. Shame.

I don’t understand why baby bonding with his mother is more important than bonding with his father. It’s 2025 parents have equal rights

It’s unreasonable to expect to take the child away from mothers sight for the first two years. He should be happy with access in public or her home. It’s great he wants to be involved but he’s honestly lucky she has let him be on north feet and kept him in the loop and is allowing access.

Because he’s bonding with his father, who will be more relaxed as he’s not being watched by his ex partner like a hawk.

The baby is 6 weeks old, he couldn't give a shit about bonding with his father, all he wants at this stage is his mother.

His mother is his primary caregiver and there is absolutely no good reason why they should be separated at the moment, or why she should leave her newborn baby in the care of near strangers.

The OP should be encouraging her son to cooperate, not throw his weight around.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for your son to want to see his baby on his own and to learn how to be a father without being watched/judged however, can you remember that his ex partner only gave birth 6 weeks ago? That isn’t a very long time at all in the grand scheme of things and I know at 6 weeks postpartum I would have lost my shit if anyone tried taking my baby away for a few hours where I wasn’t.

In this scenario I think it would be best to keep going to ex partners house and seeing if she can maybe go into another room whilst he has baby for a few hours (maybe she can nap, shower or have a hot meal?) and then build up to taking baby for a walk and then eventually over to yours/his house?

At the end of the day they need to work together for whatever is best for the baby!

Parents don't have rights. They have responsibilities.