Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

It's disgusting when a mother (or father) withholds a child. It's unacceptable. Yes I understand there can be factors for doing so, however OP you som has every right to be part of the child's life. Firm conversations need to be had with mum. I understand he is a newborn however Dad has parental rights and I think some dads don't know this.

Dad needs to make his voice heard.

Does she live alone or with her parents?

What happens if he goes round and tells her how he feels - he understands that she is being protective but he doesn’t want to be watched whilst bonding with baby, and how about she takes a nap while they spend some time together without her, and perhaps after a while he could build up to taking baby for a walk etc?

I have three children and I don’t know why you are getting so much grief her, op. He wants to be involved and bond with the baby, too. If they can find a way to communicate openly, I am sure it is only going to be both in mum and baby’s best interest to have an involved hands-on dad around. Baby is bottle fed and he sounds capable from the description so far.

He should consider asking her to go to mediation to sort out their parenting schedule - perhaps it’s too soon right now, but this would probably be in everyone’s best interest in the long term.

First thing would be to make sure your DS is on the birth certificate and has parental rights. If this is the case, he would be best going through a solicitor to get visitation rights formalised through a court. It’s admirable that your DS wants to play his part but I can also see how a new mum would feel anxious about handing over a new baby. It would be helpful if they could start talking sensibly to each other even if over WhatsApp to try and agree access. That would save a lot of money. Good luck to all, no one ever wins in these situations, least of all the child.

What a load of shit. She's not withholding the child. She's offering contact in her home. 'Firm conversations' are the last thing anyone needs.

Nope. The dad has responsibilities not rights.

The mother has offered for him to see the baby at her house - that is absolutely in the best interests of a 6 week old baby.

If the OP and her son had the child's best interests at heart they would realise that. It's not a toy to be passed around.

She's not withholding her child. She just wants to be present when his father visits, which is entirely reasonable given that we are talking about a newborn.

Dad doesn't have "rights". If he's on the birth certificate he has responsibilities, and if he's not on the birth certificate he is basically nobody at this stage.

Having "firm conversations" with a postpartum mother who quite reasonably doesn't want to let her newborn baby go to a stranger's house for hours at a time will not end well.

Why can’t someone have a good job and parent their child 50/50? Would you be saying this to a woman? You know nothing about the circumstances around how she got pregnant, his level of intelligence or class. You’ve just shown yourself to be a judgmental and common with your post.

Does he sound capable from the description so far? Clearly not capable of using a condom.

The child does have a right to a relationship with both parents.

How do you know he didn’t use a condom?

Correct - and it seems that the mother has offered the opportunity for that relationship to be developed at her house given the baby's age.

We don't - but I'd bet my house that he didn't

No, he is the parent! The parent has rights. The father has rights as well as responsibilities.
Why wouldn't he be on the birth cert if he wasn't the father?

Exactly the child is not toy. When a father is asserting his rights and responsibilities, the mother has a responsibility to respect that. Just like he is the rest of the days! He is respecting the mother, however, it is very fair to have his child a few hours each week without the mother.

Aye, it is.

But that isn't what is happening here. The childs mother is welcoming access at her house, whilst she is present.

That is not 'withholding the child' in ANY way.

The child can start to "bond with" his father in the comfort of his own home and under the supervision of his primary caregiver.

A newborn baby doesn't want to be without its mother for any amount of time.

Absolute nonsense. You obviously treat a baby as a possession that belongs to a mother and nobody else.

Scientific medical advice is that a baby benefits from spending time bonding woth both parents from birth. Google it.

But thanks for exposing your bigoted views to everyone.

Oh yes I’m the common one, not the people involved in a teen pregnancy 😅 And yes it’s not ideal for the kid to be shoved into nursary full time if it can be avoided.

I wouldn't be happy letting my 6 week old out of my sight. I don't think the ex is being difficult asking him to visit the baby at her house.

The mother's responsibility is towards her own child. She has a responsibility to protect her child's safety and wellbeing above all. Sending a newborn baby for visits at the home of someone you don't know or trust isn't putting their welfare first.

She is putting her baby's needs before the OP and her son's wants, and everyone should respect that.

“as usual hes asked me to sort things out”. I don’t know whether anyone else has picked up on this but what do you mean? Is it that he has always relied on you to sort out his problems or that you have insisted on stepping in and telling him what to do? Perhaps ex GF has picked up on this and is wary of your interference. As it is, you did ask the question AIBU but, like so many who ask , you don’t like answers that don’t fit your opinion.

Which is why he has requested a few hours...

So she isn’t refusing access. This girl has just had a baby. She is probably exhausted and hormones all over the place. I think it’s very reasonable what she’s suggested. She probably doesnt want to be without her baby and that’s fair for now. If she’s still suggesting this setup in 6 months+ then she’s unreasonable. But you son needs to respect her wishes for now.

What do you think the father wants? Again, that choice is not all hers. He has respected 6 weeks and simply wants a few hours a week to BOND with his child.

He can request whatever he likes. That doesn't mean his request is reasonable or that she has to agree to it.