Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

Great, 2 kids have had a baby and there's an immature, childish grandmother in the picture too. What could possibly go wrong?

Yes, you are being incredibly unreasonable. She's not stopping access. He can see the baby in its own home, with its mother present. It's a new baby, ffs - it's far too early to be taking it away from its mother. She sounds brilliant and I'm really glad she's putting her foot down.

Is the father even on the birth certificate? Is he paying proper maintenance? Ensuring he is providing for his child should be his priority right now, not causing stress for both mother and baby by trying to take it away.

Do ensure that your son is on the birth certificate...that's important regardless of anything. I agree with everyone who advises that keep a diary of how frequent contact happens, his ex partner is well within her rights to ask that contact happens in her hom and with her present at this point...as your grandchild gets older this should be more flexible...he does still need to financially maintain his child, he should also seek legal advice and perhaps look into mediation in the future.

Perfectly reasonable for him (and you) to see the child but I do think 6 weeks is too early to take him away from his mum.
Take the time whilst he's little to build up a relationship with the mum and hopefully when the time comes she will be comfortable with baby going to yours.

Ah, the baby is so tiny. The mum is still recovering and still has enormous amounts of hormones coursing through her. Hormones that scream at her to keep her baby close.

Someone else said slow and steady and they're right. If he doesn't get this bit right it's going to be a hard a few years.

At this point all he can do is see the baby on her terms. You may not like those terms, but for now its the only way. They need to learn to trust one another. To communicate. To be effective coparents. This does not happen overnight. Patience, kindness and acceptance are the qualities your son needs to bring to this issue.

It will get easier and your son will see more of the baby if he proves himself. You may knownyour son and believe he can do this. She needs more time and proof. And I think that's OK.

The sooner the 2 of you accept that the sooner things will get better.

Totally agree with all of this, I’m afraid. Not what you wanted to hear I expect, but I think your expectations, and your sons, are quite unreasonable at this stage.

Op...the trouble is this baby is 6 weeks old ..only 6 weeks ...no way should the baby be apart from his mum at this age so I'm this case yabu. I expect mum to be there if your son saw his baby. This will change as the baby gets older.

She is not refusing contact, you son can see his child in her house.

There is no need for a tiny 6 week old baby to be apart from their mum.

Is your son on the birth certificate? As the baby grows, he will have opportunity to go 50:50, but it’s completely unreasonable to expect her to hand over her 6 week old.

If I were you, I would encourage your DS to keep visiting his DC at her house and discuss 50:50 when DC is older.

I wouldn't have left my babies out of my hone without me at that age.

I think you should take a different approach.

Can he call over several evenings a week after work to hold or rock the baby while she sorts herself out or has a shower. They need to be on the same team. You are not going to win this one by going to war with her and why would you want to? That doesn't help the baby or build a relationship.

Maybe you could also make yourself available to the mum in case she needs help/picking up groceries, whatever.. at this time in her life she is also very vulnerable and I found i was very raw and defensive in the newborn stage.

The more she trusts you, the more she will work with you/your son. And that will he better for everyone.

Right now it makes sense for him to show up and see the baby at hers. To show that he can care for him. He is way too young to be away from mum at the moment.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house.

This is more than reasonable. She’s not refusing access, she is allowing the father to come and see the baby.
It’s not realistic or reasonable for him to take a 6 week old baby for any period of time.

Your follow up makes you even more unreasonable.

If your son has chosen to only see the baby 4 times in 6 weeks that’s on him.
This girl barely knows your son, she doesn’t know you. If I was her no way in hell would I be handing my baby over to someone who has seen it 4 times.

I agree with the other posters. You both go round there and visit. Build relationships with both baby, mother and probably her mother assuming she still lives at home too.

The next step would be for the visits to start happening at your house, with them both. Which will give her confidence she knows the house is safe for her baby.

Remember there are 100s of threads on here about new mums feeling pressured by Mils who want alone time with baby long before the new mum is ready to let babies out their sight. This is probably not much different.

I assume he is on the birth cert and does have parental responsibility? If he doesn't then he might want to seek legal advice.
A family lawyer will also be able to advise on what the courts would see as reasonable access at each stage.

But I still think dealing with it yourselves is better than going via courts.

”the girl is refusing us access”

You have absolutely zero rights to access. Zero, zilch, nada.

As for your son who is clearly not mature enough to handle a conversation never mind a baby. He is extremely unreasonable to expect a 6 week old baby to spend any time what so ever apart from its mother.

This is a vulnerable teenage mother who’s still recovering from birth and here come you pair of child snatchers looking to march in and take her baby. Despicable.

Daddy needs to get a grip and grow up and start thinking about what’s best for his child, not trying to be Disney dad or point scoring against this girl.

As for the comments about her being out for money. There’s 2 sides to every story and I think this girls side would be vastly different. Don’t forget it takes 2 to tango, your son didn’t fall next to this girl and knock her up.

She’s right, the baby is 6 weeks old, you can’t have 50/50 with a baby that young and expect it to be away for so long from its primary carer. Your son needs to accept seeing the child at her house for now, do it very regularly and consistently and build a relationship. You also sound like you have a terrible attitude to the mother so you need to step back and keep out of it.

Even the fact that you’ve already brought up money at this stage is a red flag to be honest.

Are you moaning that he’s bought things for the birth of his child?

I disagree that he shouldn’t be able to see the baby on his own. He is as much a parent as she is, and plenty on here would be insisting that he pay and in the same breath tell the OP that he shouldn’t be allowed to parent his child.

If this couple were together then it would be perfectly reasonable for the father to take the baby out for a walk, have the baby alone while the mother rested etc. She’s chosen to have a baby, and with that baby comes a father who has just as much right to a relationship with it, and it with him, as she does.

We’re not talking overnights, we’re talking a couple of hours.

And no woman on here would be criticised for seeking support from her mum.

wow. Forget 50:50. Forget a few hours away from its mother for a good few months!! No way could I leave a newborn baby from its mother even for a few hours. Don’t you see the threads occasionally on here of new mums wondering how to get their hair cut and organising people to bring baby to the salon!?

Honestly I think your best bet is to foster a relationship with the mother yourself and meet her for a coffee here and there so you can chat and see baby. Get to know her.

Your son sounds useless. He’ll never get to 50:50. I think you need to lower your expectations of him. And you are incorrect that he does not need to financially support the mother - no, it’s not only the baby who he owes some support to. It’s the mother of his child aswell at this stage of her life.

He’s chosen to only see the baby 4 times in 6 weeks and has now stopped talking to the mother because she won’t let him take the baby out for hours! What kind of father is that?
If they were together and he took the baby for a walk it’s a totally different situation, as it is the mother barely knows him never mind the baby.
He has a chance to be stepping up now and showing what a good, engaged dad he is but he’s not showing it because that’s not how it’s actually acting.

Also what maintenance is he paying now? Make sure that is set up and he is paying unconditionally and understands that it is unconditional. If he wanted a different outcome, he perhaps should have done things differently? During the relationship and since baby etc. It sounds like a lesson he has had to learn to be honest. As everyone has said here - it needs to all be on her terms because that’s what’s in baby’s best interest.

I think, based on OP’s dramatic reply, we have deduced who the problem is…..

She's the mother of a newborn. I understand he's the father, but it's different. Be realistic.

Why don't you both go to her house, while he spends time with the baby?

I don't see anyone attacking you either. And as for her being after his money, sex = pregnancy. If he didn't have a condom on, he's got no one to blame for the pregnancy other than himself. That's life.

6 weeks is too young even with it being bottlefed. Without evidence to the contrary she’s just considering the best interests of the baby and her own hormones!
OP absolutely he should be able to have 50/50 parenting time with his child but 6 weeks is very soon for this. I suggest you see how it goes over the coming weeks, continue seeing baby at her house. If she becomes obstructive later on then at a year or so get legal representation and go from there.

OP how would you have felt as a mother if someone came and took your 6 week old away from you for several hours?? It’s not fair on the baby, you need to give your head a wobble and put the baby first and not your son. She isn’t refusing access at all, it’s not unreasonable given that she gave birth 6 weeks ago to want to be in her own home recovering.

Maybe if you go round there and also spend time with the mum, it might help her and your son build an effective co-parenting relationship which will help long term.

It would be reasonable for the father to offer, but most fathers wouldn’t demand to be alone with their newborn if baby’s mother preferred to come along.

That insistence of putting their own preference over the actual needs of baby and mother is a massive red flag.

A father, whether in a couple with the baby’s mother or not, should be happy to spend time with the baby with the mother present if the mother of the newborn does not yet feel comfortable being away from the baby for long periods.

It’s something like 9-12 months before the baby even sees themselves as a separate being to the mother. Of course you can’t take them away from the mum at 6 weeks.

tbh I wouldn’t want to be handing my baby over to a father than runs to mum every time life gets a bit tricky (of my own doing). Be a listening and supportive ear sure, but you shouldn’t be fixing this for him or getting involved.