Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

I am a man and have been through this , first thing to is make sure he is on the birth certificate
Keep a timed and dated record of any contact you or son has with her if it is not timed and dated it will not stand up in court
Best bit of advice I can give you is stay calm this woman is going to be in your lifes for the next 20. years, she can make your life hell and make access hard so bite your tongue
Would give her at least 6 months before you ask to baby out with out her
Would suggest to her that you could go round and help her out with cleaning or if she wants a nap. or get her shopping done
If she sees you as a friend not an enemy your life will be a lot easier

A baby doesn’t even recognise themselves as a separate entity to their mother until they are 6 months old. Being separated is highly distressing for an infant. This is about the baby and no one else. In the UK you have responsibilities as a parent not rights. That baby needs to be with his/her mother constantly and the mother as the primary caregiver should be provided with whatever support she needs to give the baby what they need. A father is there as a support system to the mother for the first 18 months (to protect and provide) and then he’s useful to bond with the child for rough and tumble for example, otherwise that’s about it. Before anyone comments, do your research. Society would be in a much better state if people’s parenting was led solely by their child’s wellbeing and not their own selfish needs.

Best advice op

He should see the baby on the mum's terms for now. Doing nappies, formula, comforting baby as much as he can. She will realise he can be trusted for a couple of hours and she may agree to that at 4/5 months.

Why doesn’t he regularly go round and watch the baby for a few hours while she catches up on some sleep etc? That would give him chance to bond without taking the baby away from mum. Don’t you think it would be better for everyone involved if he puts his big boy pants on and sorted this situation out himself instead of you doing it for him?

OP are you going with him? Is that maybe part of the problem? You don’t really know this young woman. She is feeling vulnerable and emotional. You think she is a gold digger - and she probably knows form your son some of the things you said about you.

if you are accompanying your son when he goes to her house I can see how that would cause problems. It might be clear to her that you are the driving force behind this - so the baby would be cared for by you not the baby’s father.

Good advice to make sure there is genuine friendship , so if both mum and dad are civil, it's more likely to go smoothly. However when you say this woman will be in your life... and can make things hard with access and make your life hell, sounds like you had some bitter times with your ex. I genuinely think if it's all done right with respect and understanding for eachother and both families putting the baby first, noone from either side will be making eachothers life hell. It's usually when there is disrespect , un reasonable expectations, no effort from father or negative interference from the grandparents , things go very wrong.

Only seen the baby 4 times but wants to take the baby away from its mother! Are you both delusional.

he should be visiting way more. Every day or every other day. And even then a baby that young needs to be close to its mother.

I’m guessing they weren’t together for too long so she doesn’t really know him. Doesn’t know you. So why would she be happy for you both to have the baby when she is not there?!?

Actually parental responsibility is a real thing.

Bull shit, this is about mums needs, not babies as babies can bond with men as much as women

That's what I said.

Maybe because he takes his responsibility as a father seriously, would you say the same if a mum was asking for 50/50 care, or is the issue that you are a misandrist and are of the view that the male needs to go to work and provide for the little mother at home.

But the baby would be with their father, why is the mother more important?

It's a thing called biology.

The baby has been inside the mother for 9 months and is uniquely bonded to her smell, her heart beat, her voice.

Separating a young baby from that in the first 6 months of life can be deeply traumatic as the child uses the mother's scent, breathing and heart rate to regulate themselves.

The mother is full of hormones that will help her to protect her child and nurture it. It's why the sound of a baby crying can cause milk let-down.

The father wanting to bond with the baby is great - but should be done in a way that is best for both mother and baby. That is definitely NOT taking the baby round for a stranger to play with at 6 weeks old against the mother's wishes.

If he is intelligent and caring, he will work with the mother to prove he is capable of caring for the baby and gradually work up to having time away from the mother.

You can't be serious, surely?

This must be very painful for you but please remember this is his commitment for life. Whatever obstacles are put in his way, keep on trying to be part of that child’s life. It’s about to the child not your son.

At this age baby should be where mum is, if you dont want to go there she comes with the baby to you. At least until 6 months. No way would I have left my son with his father and parents at that age. He was 18 months before he w3nt over night and 12 months before he went all day alone. I stopped him going for a while when he came home after his second alone visit for a few hours and when I went to the car to get him out when he came back, they hadn't strapped him in the car seat or put the seatbelt round seat. You need to do things at her pace.

Sorry you are going through this. The baby has 2 biological parents and 2 sides to their family. The baby will be safe in the love and care of your family which is also the baby’s family. Babies are fine with their father and grandparents when well cared for. Just like they are fine with the mother and her family when well cared for. They don’t need to be with the mother 24/7, especially if not relying on the mother for food as they are bottle fed. You made a very reasonable suggestion to have the baby at yours for a few hours on the weekend. I think the responses you have received are awful and very unfair to the baby more than anything else,

Completely serious, not all mothers are calm, nurturing and caring.

Lots of good advice here. Agree with most, be patient. I remember never wanting to be a mum but then she was born and that first couple of months? The thought of my baby being out of my sight distressed me so much. It calms down. Let mum use her instincts and protect and learn her baby’s likes and sounds and dislikes. Once she has that studied and can explain it, she’ll be more comfortable and confident as we all were. It’s terrifying being a new mum. I was terrified! She must feel like that too.

disagree with all the babies need to be glued to their mothers - and around the world there are millions of examples where for millennia others support caring - I looked after my friends baby as she returned to work after 4 weeks , baby sat neighbours 4 week old as she went out with her husband - looked after my nephew for copious hours on end so his mum and dad had a break - so yes he should be able to take his baby out for walks and make decisions on an equal footing and mum should get used to this too as her set up is not conventional… let him be a good father which doesn’t mean not supporting the mother but balancing all 3 of their roles in this babies life

The baby is 6 weeks old!!!! No 6 week old baby needs any time at all without their mother.
Are you a mother? Do you know anything about babies? Honestly 🙄

I live in a country where there isn't maternity pay and hundreds of thousands of low income women are forced back into their jobs at six weeks. The babies go to daycare or they are looked after by overburdened grannies.

Believe me, it is brutal for the mothers. Absolutely brutal.

I can't believe anyone would hold that sort of situation up as an example of why this father and his benighted mother are being reasonable.

Crikey.

Some very odd bods on this thread.

Perhaps you should have googled instead because it is you that is showing a lack of scientific medical advice and your bigoted views. At 6 weeks, the NEWBORN baby will physiologically need to be close to mum to feel safe. Her sounds, her smell, her touch, the lot. Baby will be using her body to regulate its own. Without her there it’s little body will flood with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline.

At SIX WEEKS OLD, the newborn NEEDS IT'S MOTHER that grew them. A few hours contact at the mother's home is more than adequate at this stage.