Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

How present was he in pregnancy ? Was he bothered when baby was first born ? Has he been at all emotionally supportive to the mum ?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want time with baby but it’s only 6 weeks old , of course the mum isn’t going to want to leave the baby ! Is she breast feeding because obviously that makes a substantial difference too .

In time that wouldn't be unreasonable but 6 weeks is maybe a bit young for the baby to be away from it's Mum for a few hours. Is she breastfeeding? Maybe 3 months would be a good time to try building some time up

I think you might cut her some slack? She's very young herself, still recovering from the birth and has a tiny baby to care for plus you two hopping up and down about exercising your son's paternal rights? Try being a bit more understanding here. Yes, he's the dad, yes he has a right to see his baby but he should be thinking about what's best for the baby atm and causing its mother stress and upset isn't it! He needs to grow up and fast. Can you honestly not remember what it felt like when you had a newborn? Your son has to put the needs of the baby first. He might not like going to his gfs house but that's the best thing for now. The more he can show he's prepared to be reasonable the more likely she is to relax and give him time on his own with the baby.

She is not refusing you access. The baby is tiny and of course she wants it at home with her. Being a mother yourself, do you not understand that? Overnights and visits alone are for the future, but not if you carry on behaving as you are just now.

He needs to get legal advice, no one in MN can advise properly

But keeping a diary of all the attemps he has made may help and everything he has tried may help, same as 100% doing the proper thing (in their specific situation which we only would know your version of) will all help

Of course he shouldn't be taking the baby away from her yet. He needs to see the baby at her house at the moment. If they are going to argue then you should go too to keep the peace.

Amazing that a father wanting to see his child is seen as a bad thing! Hopping up and down about parental rights 🤣 its always the father that gets the raw deal, yes he was there throughout the full pregnancy, has totally turned up all the time, baby is bottle fed, so breat feeding isnt an issue, and yes, Ive had 2 of my own, so know what its like having a new born. I've been nothing but supportive.

Considering this site is meant to be a support for people, I dread to think what pulling people down looks like, you all made me out like I was harrasing this girl!

At 6 weeks old, time with her in her house seems pretty reasonable. The baby will know no one else and the mother’s hormones will be telling her to keep the baby close. She isn’t refusing access she’s offering what’s in the best interests of the baby.

It might be good for your son and his child’s mother to have to be nice to each other for a short time every few days. Think of it as a space to practice getting on so he can learn what the baby’s like and what it’s use to and he can support the mother (which is most of what being a good father is in the first few weeks). I assume she is young too and being immature and arsey, but it really is in the child’s best interest if he can swallow his pride and just be nice to his ex for a while, even if she’s being unreasonable and he doesn’t like her much at the moment.

He needs to grow up fast - running to you to sort things out is not a great sign in a parent who is now responsible for a small baby’s life. And you trying to drag the baby away from what it’s known while it’s only weeks old is a poor example.

If he wants to see the baby then he goes to her house to do so. It's very simple. A baby of this age NEEDS to be with its primary caregiver i.e. its mother, all the time. Particularly if she is breastfeeding the baby. If he's only seen the baby 4 times how on earth can you both think it's okay for this tiny infant to be taken away from the 1 person it has a solid attachment to, for hours at a time? And if he's 19 and never been alone with the baby, how do you suppose he will be able to meet the baby's needs without the mother there to guide him? You 2 are being utterly ridiculous and he's potentially going to alienate himself from mother and baby with these utterly unreasonable demands.

Is he on the birth certificate? If he isn't then he doesn't have a leg to stand on anyway and mother could easily cut him off if he continues these nonsense demands. If he is on the birth cert. then he'll need to visit baby at her house for now and think about whats really important here. Christ knows, when my child was the age of your son's baby, I wouldn't let him out of my sight and he was attached to the breast 24/7. It would be utterly negligent for her to allow her baby to go to your son's house without her and incredibly distressing for both mother and baby. I think you and your son need to think very carefully about what is in the baby's best interests. A stressed out mother is never a good thing for a baby. Besides, at this age, he's not going to be bonding and developing a relationship with the baby in the way he seems to think until baby is much older. Pair of you need to stop being incredibly selfish.

I think 6 weeks is way too soon for the baby to be away from its mother even for a few hours, It’s not unreasonable to expect to be allowed more regular visits and would be reasonable to ask to take the baby for a short walk during visits until it’s more practical to have the baby for longer. If the ex is refusing regular visits then you need to get legal advice.

YABU. Six weeks is just far too young to be away from her at all. Of course she’s watching his every move, all mothers do this with everyone handling their baby. It’s just instinct.

Building up to time alone is perfectly reasonable when the baby is a few months older.

However - if he’s old enough to have a baby, he’s old enough to work all this out with her for himself and you need to back out of it. He needs to grow up quickly.

Nobody has said a father wanting to see his child is a bad thing. Your opening post makes it clear she's allowing him to see the baby at her house. I think for the time being that seems like a perfectly reasonable arrangement.

What matters is the baby, not the parents.

ETA - it is about the baby’s needs not your son’s wants.

How many times has your son fed the baby?
How many times has he changed a nappy?
How many times has he soothed the baby when he/she is upset?

He needs to learn how to do those when the mum is around before he considers seeing the baby elsewhere.

It's great that your DS wants to be an involved father. It's not great that you've forgotten the importance of the mother/baby bond. It's physically awful, and developmentally not a good idea, for small babies and their mothers to be separated for long. Even 3 hours is too long at 6 weeks. Chill out and relax and do whatever you can to support mother and her wishes or you'll never see grand baby. If you really want what's best for the baby, you'll back off and let baby bond w/ momma. Your son will bond w his child, but in the beginning, it's about the mother/baby dyad. Her instincts to protect baby are also in overdrive, so try to remember that. I'm middle aged and I remember it, so can you, if you want to.

Poor girl only had a baby a few weeks ago, of course she doesn't want her baby out of her sight. Your son can see his baby, round her house with her there.

She is primary carer of a 6 week old baby. She’s providing access but yes, unsurprisingly she wants to be present and for it to be somewhere safe for the baby.

Stop being so petulant and tell your son to make the most of this access if he wants to be a hands on dad. As the baby gets older, contact can be moved to his home.

Trying to get a mother to hand over her new born, even for just a few hours, Is harrassing her. At that age a baby is basically part of the Mother. If he wants to show up for his baby he can go round and help look after them. Being a good father to a newborn means being good to their Mother. You can't do one without the other. Demanding to see the baby on your own is not doing this baby any favours. She isn't denying access if she says you can go round and see them.

I’m currently looking at my own 6 week old and no, no one, including her dad is taking her away from me for hrs at a time, and this is our second child and we live together!

My hormones are still all over the place, I’m still over protective, baby doesn’t even see us as separate yet and her ear to my heartbeat is the only thing that is a sure fire soother.

Both mums and dads are very important in a child’s life, but they’re not interchangeable, bottle fed or not.

Being a good dad is doing what is best for your child, even if that means taking a back seat for a bit. The best thing your son can do is put his big boy pants on and step up. First step to that is to stop getting his mum to fix it for him. Second step is to figure out how to get on the mum’s good side and be supportive of her. A natural consequence of a good or at least civil relationship with the mother will be increased access to his child. His kid will benefit from having parents that get on.

I do wish him luck and all the best in navigating his way to being a good parent. I wish my own dad had even tried x

This site is support for people. It’s just they will generally support the most vulnerable person, in this case the baby. A tiny baby needs to be in proximity to the mother so it’s perfectly normal to see the baby at the mum’s house in the early days and build things from there.

Parents don’t have rights, they have responsibilities. And one of the responsibilities is to ensure the baby is comfortable and not distressed. Do you remember reading about the fourth trimester?

You and your son are trying to control and pressure a teenage new mother.

Shame on you - as a mother yourself you should know better and have more empathy for the need of a new mum to be with their newborn.

Don't be ridiculous - I can't see a single comment saying that him wanting to see the baby is a bad thing.

It is wanting to see the baby without the mother present, when the baby is still only a few weeks old, that is the problem.

If he wants access then he is going to need to take the childs mothers feelings and the childs needs into account and put them ahead of his own desires.

So he proves himself by seeing the baby at her place for a few hours, as often as is practical. Then he gains her trust enough to have the baby with her, somewhere else for a bit... then perhaps alone but supervised by you... and so on.

I see this so many times, dads demanding access to little babies and very young children entirely on their terms and when it isn't granted as the other parent isn't comfortable or it isn't in the childs best interest to do things that way, the dad chucks a strop about it and claims the mother won't allow any access.

Be honest OP, would YOU have handed your six week old baby over to a 19 year old man you've not got a great relationship with, and a woman you've met twice?

I agree, credit to your DS for actively being there and providing for his baby.

Part of being a parent is prioritising your child/baby’s needs over your own. Of course he (and you) would feel more relaxed in your own home, but that won’t be the case for baby as they physiologically need to be close to mum to feel safe. Her sounds, her smell, her touch, the lot. Baby will be using her body to regulate its own. Without her there it’s little body will flood with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. Baby will learn to associate you both with that feeling of stress, through cause and affect.

Whereas, by visiting baby in her home (which she sounds open to) means baby gets to feel safe with mum close to hand, while building up a close and trusting bond with you both. In time the little one will feel happy to go with you and because you have built up a trusting relationship over time with mum she will be more likely to agree.

Slow and steady, op. Encourage him to understand the benefits to his child and it may feel like less of a battle. It isn’t about the parents, but the child.

To put it in real terms op, prolonged stress reactions in childhood can impact health long term - double the risk of heart disease and increased risk of diabetes, cancers, autoimmune diseases, and obesity.

You both can make a better choice for this child.

Please read this OP!

No one has said a dad wanting to see his baby is a bad thing but you really need to take a step back & look at this from all angles!
To quote a few things you've said in your post
'as usual he's asked me to sort things out'
'I dont know this girl'
'the girl is refusing US access'
This situation isn't about you. You need to help your son understand that this girl has just given birth, she's still recovering & doesn't want to be apart from her baby. I would suggest sending him round alone with a box of chocolates, a bunch of flowers & an apology! He needs to listen to what she's suggesting about access & accept it. The first few visits will probably be a little awkward but they need to sort this out between them & it will be all the more difficult with you hovering in the background.