Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

“My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.”

”the issue that WE have”

”denying US access”

“all that WE are asking for”

you’re already unreasonable for how you speak about her, but yes you are absolutely being unreasonable for expecting a woman to hand over her six week old to her ex and his over-involved mummy

No-one had said this, so your overreaction here says a lot.

The baby is 6 wks old and both parents are very young. Give her time.

What do you mean by "his money was the main driver"?

You say the baby wants for nothing materially because of your son, but babies don't need stuff, they need love and at the moment the bond with mother is going to be stronger
What issue does he have with being at her place? For mow that sounds the best place, once baby is weaned and gets to know him then spending time at yours becomes the norm. He needs to have baby while mum.goes upstairs for a rest, build his confidence.

Is she worried that your son isn’t going to return him after an hours walk in the pram
or something?

Otherwise I can’t see any reason a bottle fed newborn can’t spend an hour away from mum a couple of times per week. I’d start with encouraging her to maybe be elsewhere in her home whilst he feeds, changes etc. Then ask to take baby out on a short walk. Baby needs to bond with both parents, and it isn't healthy for mum to do everything, it would be good for her to get some rest too. If they were still in a relationship he would be a bad partner and father for not doing this and allowing mum some time to rest.

At six weeks, the baby is too young to be away from its mother. Your son's ex isn't refusing him access to the baby, she is refusing to have the baby taken away from her. She has agreed that he can see the baby in her house with her present. Your son and his girlfriend need to bond with the baby, you not so much. Why are you so insistent that the baby comes to your house?

If you're trying to force her to give you unsupervised access to her newborn baby against her wishes then you most certainly are harassing her.

I think it’s great that your son wants an active role in parenting his child, and he can still do this during the initial months of the baby’s life he just may have to deal with the awkwardness of spending time with the baby at her house. At six weeks that baby is way too young to be away for a few hours, breastfed, bottlefed or otherwise. When my boy was six weeks old I didn’t want him out of my sight! There’s no way I would’ve had anyone take him away for hours at a time. Does your son know how to do all the basics like change nappies, prepare bottles, soothe the baby when they’re upset, notice hunger cues etc? Because she will also need to feel like he is competent doing these things before he takes the child independently. I think he needs to show his commitment during these initial months and set up a plan with her to talk about what independent parenting will look like as time goes by. She isn’t refusing access though at all from what you’ve said, I do think what she’s asking is pretty reasonable

Come the f* on @LolaJ82 you have clearly had babies yourself so I’ve little empathy for you I’m afraid, you should know better. You do not take a new born away from its mother whilst it would no doubt be unsettling for the baby it would be down right traumatic for the mother having that happen against her will. Not that it sounds like you overly care about the girl.

I’m appalled at having to explain this to another mother! I recall sobbing profusely as I (a then 29 year old woman) watched my DH (a then 35 year old doctor - so knew he was fully capable) drive my then 4 month old baby off to visit MIL an hour away without me because I had an apt and couldn’t go. Give the girl a break, back off and go back to polishing your golden child of a son.

Please also keep in mind that you are arguing for parental rights, for a boy who has to have his mother deal with post partum ex partner. I feel sorry for this girl. I suggest she get her own mother to deal directly with you before you emotionally scar her.

I think 4 times in 6 weeks is not enough. Is this the only time she’s allowed him to see their baby? I completely understand her not wanting the baby to be taken elsewhere but maybe he could broach the subject of more regular contact so he can bond with his baby. It’s difficult as she’s most likely feeling all over the place and most people don’t want to continue seeing an ex once broken up but they’ve decided to carry on with the pregnancy and hopefully they will be able to be kind to each other for their baby’s sake. I also disagree with a pp who said he shouldn’t be coming running to you, he’s still young and will have no experience of what is ok in this situation. You don’t turn 18 and suddenly you’re a fully fledged adult who doesn’t need any guidance. Good luck.

I share my kids 50/50 with my ex so am all for dads having equal time. Baby is tiny though. I’ve heard the first 3 months referred to as the fourth trimester and I do think it’s important developmentally and babies shouldn’t be separated from their mothers for long periods if possible. I do think a bit of understanding for the mother would be helpful. Hormones are often a bit bonkers after birth, I had a real visceral reaction to the sound of my baby crying and wouldn’t of wanted to go anywhere without me at that age. It doesn’t last long though.

Little and often with very little babies. I’d be asking to spend an hour at her place every evening ( I’m assuming he works days) and to hold, feed, change baby in that time. By the time six months rolls around afternoons at his. Overnights at one. Shared custody at two.

You can’t take a newborn away from his mother and you will destroy any chance of a productive relationship with her if you try.

As a new mother, I wouldn't have allowed my husband or my parents to take my 6 week old away from me "for a few hours" every weekend (and I have a good relationship with them). It's too early. Look up the fourth trimester... it's pure instinct. Both mother and newborn need to be close to each other (regardless of how baby is fed).

Access hasn't been refused. Your son just needs to understand the bigger picture. His baby (and therefore, by extension, the mother of his baby) is the most important thing to focus on right now. He needs to show that he can prioritise the wellbeing of his baby and compromise on spending his time in an undesired location in order to bond (and hopefully rebuild bridges/trust in order to co-parent). 50/50 contact seems completely unrealistic if he can't even compromise in order to start bonding in the first place.

She's not refusing access at all.
She's refusing access on his terms.
All your grandson knows is his mother, they need to be together.

He is seeing his baby though isn’t he? So it’s not about that. He does have access.

The issue is whether he should see a new born away from the Mother.

Waiting till the baby is three months old is reasonable. You would do well to advise him to use that time to build a better relationship with the Mother. after all they have strong common ground in that they both care for their child.

OP you currently seem to be in adversarial mindset with the Mother. Switching to a collegial mindset will help your son and your grandchild.

Seeing the baby with the mother at six weeks is appropriate. I wouldn’t be letting anyone take a baby from me at that age.

He needs to focus on doing what he can to rebuild the relationship.

The mother is not being unreasonable and the important thing for now is he keeps seeing the baby regularly however awkward if he really wants more contact as he grows up. Not sure how it works at the moment if they don’t speak to each other when he’s there but the sooner they learn to at least be polite to each other the better. Even if you are right about money being behind the pregnancy (and remember it dies take two to make a baby) it’s not a view that will help the situation if the mother picks up on it

I think you abu to ask to take the baby, you're nbu for wanting to see the baby.
Let your son go round to hers, you go visit too, get to know her and her family. This will build trust and relationship, leading to dad being able to have baby, when older.
At 6 weeks, I wouldn't have let anyone take DC and I know my in-laws incredibly well.

At the moment nobody is going to give 50/50 custody to a lad who needs his mummy to hold a conversation for him. You’re not doing your son any favours. He needs to step up, man up, and mature very rapidly.

I hope no first time pregnant women are reading this and being led to believe that they would damage their baby if they leave them with their partner or mum for an hour or two to rest. Any good supportive father would immediately be doing this for a short time each day - never mind at 6 weeks. Other than single mums with no support at all of us would have done this - had DH take over whilst I went for a bath, a nap etc it’s completely normal and healthy to spend a short time away from your baby. And during those short times when I was resting he even - shock horror - took baby on a walk, or visited MIL.

I think at 6 weeks what she is asking for is pretty normal.

I think it’s likely best to start getting everything officially set up however. Start that with official mediation with a timeline goal of increasing contact slowly including moving to without her there. A good tick list for if it ever went to court. Make sure his coms to her if they open back up are written and polite. About the baby and its needs not his wants.

Hrs not unreasonable to what to bind but to remove a newborn from it's mother at 6 weeks old is ridiculous.

For context no judge in the land will order her to hand over the baby this young regardless of how she is choosing to feed.

At thia point it is not about his right, her rights or your rights (you have none by the way). What it is about is what is best for the baby.

Tell your son if he wants to be a good dad to stop being a dick. Sort things out calmly with the mother of his child and respect that the baby cannot and should not be away from her for anytime currently.

Post 6 months is a different matter, but at 6 weeks old you are being ridiculous.

Also, if the situation is as you describe, things may be very different in six months when she is desperate to get a break. If you can also focus on building a positive relationship with her that will be so useful going forward. I know a similar situation where the father’s mother brokers all the child contact because it’s so acrimonious between the parents. She picks the baby up, takes him to her son’s house and drops him back.

If you can step back and try to have more sympathy for the mother rather than automatically taking your son’s side and really try to build a relationship with the mother it will be better for everyone.

OP the baby is SIX weeks old.

She’s not withholding access though, is she? The baby is only 6 weeks old. It’s not old enough yet to be parted from its mum. You and your son have the opportunity to form a positive relationship with this girl and you should take it. That is what’s in the child’s best interest. He should be aiming to build trust and cooperation and instead he has pulled his mum into his boxing ring. He should be visiting regularly, for short periods initially, building up to longer. Make sure he is paying his fair share.

Please try not to get defensive, not all who disagree with you are rude. There are some rude comments but also some constructive which you’d be wise to listen to.

Thinking back to when mine were babies, I would have struggled to leave them until at least 3 or 4 months. I know he’s the dad but babies and their mothers are so bonded in those early months. Can you try and get more visits at their home for now? Say at least once a week? Bring food so you’re being helpful?