Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

YABU. Your son can go there to meet his baby. With time they can work out agreement with court order but for now baby needs to be with their mother.

You are too invested in this. Your son is now a father so he needs to grow up and talk to his ex without his mother as a go between. Your involvment is not helping these young people who need to learn how to work together as parents.

I’d say at 6 weeks, you’re being unreasonable. The baby is so tiny and I can fully understand why Mum doesn’t want to leave him for several hours with a stranger (you) and her ex. Breaking up during pregnancy is an extreme situation. Either she didn’t see raising a child with him as better than doing it alone, or he dumped her while she was pregnant which is cruel.

When the baby is older, it’s reasonable to want unsupervised contact (assuming there’s no safeguarding issues).

Maybe suggest a neutral middle ground for now. You meet up with Mum and baby for a nice walk and lunch for a few hours. That gives plenty of time to stop and play with the baby, as well as a chance for him to show he is capable of doing all the care as well (feeding, changing) without you taking over. It’s absolutely reasonable for her to not want to facilitate contact if she knows you’ll be doing all the work rather than Dad.

I’m not saying it will cause permanent damage but that it’s not developmentally appropriate. I’m also not saying that new mums aren’t allowed a break. I’m saying that where a new mum doesn’t want that “break” - she shouldn’t be forced and pressured into doing it. Especially when the “father” has only bothered to see his precious baby 4 times in 6 weeks.

No judge in the country would force a mother of a newborn to hand her baby to her ex for unsupervised contact, so luckily for baby’s mother, the law is on her side.

Exactly. The title is totally misleading and OP and her son do not seem to care about the baby's best interest.

I would try imagining yourself in her shoes, then imagining her as your daughter, and think about how you’d feel about the arrangement. Don’t characterise them as depriving you of something. They’re letting you and him in the house! That is a great start. I would start by trying really hard to get on with them, on their terms, and be really supportive , respectful and understanding, see if you can help your son get this off to a good start. Earn their trust. Don’t wind him up about how things aren’t good enough.

Over my dead body would somebody have removed my 6 week old from my care. Its visceral.

Once, my husband helpfully took the baby downstairs to give me a break. The second that baby cried as he walked away from me, my body wanted to fight him to get the baby back.

Your son has happily chosen someone to have a baby with. He knows what happens when you have sex. This girl has had her entire life and body changed forever. It’s not his choice to remove her baby from her. He doesn’t need to see a six week old baby in his own home. It’s a baby. It needs its mother. The more you ruin her trust when she’s at her most vulnerable, the harder your relationship will be when the child is actually old enough to visit.

IMHO the baby is a little young to be separated from its mother. They should try to get on and he spend time with the baby with her. 50/50 access for a very young child is also a bit much, though that should be the eventual aim.

Having my baby forcibly taken away from me for 3 hours at 6 weeks old would have been hellish.

Utterly reasonable that she's suggesting only seeing the baby with her around. Breastfeeding or mother's instincts will be telling her to keep her baby close, and that's a wonderful thing and a sign of good bonding with a baby.

No, you and your son should not separate a tiny baby from their mother and should be listening to her need for closeness. The more you respect this need, and the more your son recognises how frazzled/worn out she will be feeling and offers additional support/behaves thoughtfully towards her, the more likely she will be to give more independent time in future with baby when they are an appropriate age. And don't be coming back in a few months upset about her not allowing overnight stays. Not appropriate to ask this until baby is at least 1 and has stopped breastfeeding (if applicable).

Play the long game.

despi what everyone says about not wanting to be separated from the baby etc she is trying to use the baby to control your son. So I auggest you put whatever’s evidence you have about how supportive he was during the pregnancy and attempts at meeting his child and get legal advice

He should agree to the current terms of engagement which at least allow access and build from there. If he goes over to hers and asks humbly how he can help - and makes sure his nostrils start to twitch quickly when a certain smell arrives and he shows that he wants to learn how to change nappies and sincerely wants to be a hands-on dad, things will start to progress.

He might be able to 'babysit' at her home while she goes out for a quick break or gets some sleep. That would be a start. Patience and understanding required!

The father who has only bothered to see the baby 4 times in 6 weeks…
So a stranger.

You've made every single bit of that up. Every attempt at seeing his child he’s been given (four whole times in six weeks). It’s granny not getting a six week infant in her home that’s the issue pay for all the legal advice on that you like

Your being beyond unreasonable. Your son can bond with his newborn baby. She isn’t stopping that at all. Crazy you think a newborn should be taken away from its mother for ‘a few hours’ so a teenage boy can have his turn.

😂 how supportive do you think it is to see the baby 4 times in 6 weeks?
I don’t think that fact is proving what you think it’s proving.

I think people were just saying at 6 weeks old it is not unreasonable for contact to be with mum present/close by or at least at the house the baby knows. Babies still believe they are the same person as mum for a few months. Can your son plan more time with them? Building up to having baby away from mum/her house will be in the babies best interests. No one thinks a dad wanting to see their son is a bad thing.

Nope. The baby doesn't know him. He needs to spend time building the bond in a secure environment for the baby and work up to being able to time alone.

Baby's needs are paramount, dad's 'rights' do not get to take priority. He needs to grow up and realise the baby comes first. He needs to establish their bond, with time and some patience. If it was really about wanting to be a dad, he'd be seeing the baby regardless of his discomfort. He'd be learning his child's routines, their cries and what works to soothe them.

Yes MIL lives a 5 minute drive away and he was often done for an hour or 2. I also went to a child free wedding when our eldest was 10 weeks old and DH had her for 6 hours. We were both in our mid twenties. I suppose social services should be investigating me for developmentally damaging my child for daring to leave her with her father during the first 3 months. I suppose I should also report my colleague who returned to work at 6 weeks whilst her DH took over on paternity leave.

If we want men to step up and take equal responsibility over children, that needs to happen at the start. Or it becomes ingrained that DC are mums main responsibility, and men can carry on like they haven’t even had a child.

Little and often in mother's presence is totally normal at this stage, and often family courts support this. Your son has responsibilities, not rights. Time for you both to grow up.

The ex is allowing your son to see his child! It just has to be at her house, which makes sense as the baby is a newborn! It’ll be easier to take the baby out for the day once the baby is fully weaned. You sound really entitled because the baby isn’t yours.

I also wonder where these notions of 50/50 custody have come from, certainly not from the dad who hasn't even been bothered to visit once a week since the baby was born. I expect OP is looking to play mum, I doubt shes suggesting her son take the hit to his career and finances that would be required for him to be doing the care 50/50.

If you can’t see that leaving your baby with your DH and your MIL, both of whom you know and trust, is wildly different to a ex boyfriend who you separated from in pregnancy after only being together a few months and his mum who you’ve met literally a handful of time then I really don’t know what to tell you.

We are being supportive....of a new mother who obviously will not want her newborn away from her so soon. She's not denying him access, he just has to spend time with his son at the ex's house, which is as it should be for the first several months. Stop trying to twist the narrative.

I notice you're one of those grannies who says "my grandson" rather than "her son". Like you're trying to take ownership of this child already.

There’s no way I’d be parting with my 6 week old baby. She’s not refusing access she’s just requesting that for now, you come to her. So that’s what you/your son need to do. They’ll be time for alone time later. But not if you sour the relationship!

You are being completely ridiculous and conflating two issues. Nobody is commenting on your choices to leave your newborn- up to you as the mother of the child- I imagine you weren’t forced to do so and has autonomy over that decision.

The issue being discussed is whether it’s reasonable or not to pressure and/or force a teenage mother of a newborn to give her child to relative strangers for a few hours at a time. Why are you making the situation about you?

@Truetoself Wrong! She is protecting her baby, not 'controlling' OP's son. OP is using his son's money as a way to control this poor young mother and manipulate her. NO HV would ever recommend a baby being separated from his mother at 6 weeks. OP and her son are being manipulative, controlling, bullying and abusive.