Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

Sorry- you think a SIX WEEK OLD baby should be away from its mother for a few hours so he and you can bond with it without the inconvenience of its mother watching you?
Absolutely not.
Him wanting to be a present dad is amazing and definitely to be encouraged, but this is way to young to be taken away from its mother, he needs to suck up the awkwardness of being in her house and make the effort to go over multiple times a week and see the baby it its own home for short periods.
It is in everyone best interests for him to work on fostering a good co parenting relationship with the mum, they are stuck with each other now and this attitude will make it so difficult.
Top of my head I'd say 6 months maybe is the youngest I would expect him to take the baby, and then only for a couple hours.
Is she breastfeeding?

From the first couple of OP's posts it's clear that she's not open to any kindly offered views about how she could better understand the problem. I appreciate those who are generous enough to try banging their head off this particular wall, but I'm off.

You both sound incredibly immature. He won’t talk to his baby mama and you both think it’s appropriate to remove a 6 week old baby, who doesn’t even fully know it’s alive yet and out of the womb, from the only person it recognises.
It sounds the two of you are bulling her actually.
You need to take a step back and he needs to grow up and the two of them talk appropriately about this baby.
If she was denying him access completely and not allowing him into her home. That would be different, but she’s not doing that. Sounds like out of the 3 of you, she’s the only one being an adult and putting the needs of her baby first.

Seeing a newborn in it's own home with the mother present is appropriate. She is what the baby knows, and it would be distressing for the infant to be taken away from her to a new place by what are currently strangers to him/her.

Why has DS only seen the baby 4 times? Is that the only time's she will allow him to go round, or has he decided that if he can have contact he was, he'd rather not have it at all?

I know they're teenagers but they're also parents now, so they need to grow up, get over the awkwardness, and do what's right for baby. He needs to go round for short visits a few times a week and build up a bond with the with the mum present before he looks to take baby alone.

You are being unfair. She hasn’t stopped contact. She’s offered contact at her house with her there.

there is absolutely no way a 6weeker should be away from mum. No mother would be comfortable with this.

Also I can tell your son is likely a footballer where everything is done for him, and he hasn’t learnt to be an adult yet (and as long as he plays, won’t need to learn).

Accordingly, he’s run back to mum at the first sign of a problem, rather than step up and be a man. You’re still infantilising him - you need to teach him to grow up and put his child’s needs first before he causes issues and damages beyond repair the coparenting relationship. It would be good for you to have visits at the mothers house so that you can develop your own relationship with baby’s mother, separate from your son.

In future, he’ll need to be more careful. Lots of women trying to “trap” young players but it takes two to create a pregnancy, so he has to accept responsibility for not being sensible.

At six weeks old it’s just too early. Baby comes first, not your son’s feelings.

Well he obviously doesn’t want to see the child that badly if he can’t just suck it up and cope with a few hours of awkwardness at his girlfriends house to facilitate this.

Part of being a good parent is learning how to co-parent well.

At 6 weeks baby is too young to be away from mum for hours at a time. Breastfed or not. You’ve shown you have a pretty poor attitude, especially with your last update, so I don’t imagine you’ll take any of this on board.

You are a stranger to the mum. I wouldn’t leave my baby with a stranger. I had a baby with someone at 18 and we weren’t together and I would never have let him take the baby at the weekend at 6 weeks old.

I think in paper it's not hugely unreasonable and if she felt she could offer it, well and good. But it's also not unreasonable if her to feel she can't allow it to happen yet, even the fact that it causes her stress would be reason enough. She the baby are really one thing at this stage. You don't want to be difficult so early. I remember feeling a very real panic if my first baby was being taken out and about without me.

Of course a newborn can't be away from its mother for a few hours.

Being a good dad would be prioritising the baby's need to be with their familiar main caregiver, over prioritising his desire to have the baby (who doesn't know him) on his own.

The mum clearly isn't denying access. This is a really normal access arrangement for a newborn. It's a concern that you're trying to spin it into something that puts the mum in a bad light to get what you want.

This is a very difficult situation. I presume the young lady is a similar age to your son. She's so very young and the baby is only six weeks old. She's still recovering and her body and emotions are going to be all over the place. At this stage your son needs to have access on her terms. My brother was in a similar position to your son many years ago and he just offered support in the girls home, he would do shopping, cleaning, look after the baby for appointments and stayed up overnight to do night feeds just whatever was needed. It was very hard for them both but got easier over time. They honestly have one of the healthiest co parenting situations I have seen. They went 50/50 when the child was 9 months old, there was no fights or animosity and both families get along really well. Just give it some time and patience and keep offering support and it will get easier.

Your primary interest is your child at this point, which is as it should be. It isn't in the baby's best interests to be away from mum this young though, nor in mum's best interests. This baby will hopefully outlive you and your son, so you have decades ahead of you to work on the relationship. Calm down, settle down, and go at a reasonable pace. Once the baby gets to 3/6 months, you'll find things start to gradually change naturally as mum and baby become ready to be apart from each other.

Tbh, I would be very concerned if the mum was willing for her baby to be away from her for a few hours whilst baby is so young, even if it is the father.

Take it as a good sign that the mother has a strong maternal protective bond.

Maybe you could ask of she could be in a separate room whilst you visit? Or maybe you take baby out for a short walk in the pram when you visit- starting with 15/20mins?

Wait, your heading says your son is being refused access, but in your OP it's clear your son has free access. It's just that you want the baby to come to your house? So you misrepresented what this is about in your heading.

At 6 weeks old, my baby wouldn't be going to anyone's house. You are, as your OP says, free to visit the baby in her house. You're not being stopped from seeing the baby either. So what is your problem?!??

And maybe she won't want her staying with you half the time. If your son has such a good job, why is he still living at home with mummy? Why doesn't he grow up and move out and have his own home where he can have the baby 50-50? If I were the baby's mother, I wouldn't allow your son to have overnights with him if he lives with other people, only if he had his own place. So maybe you should encourage your son to leave the nest and find a suitable house for his son.

Before you start demanding that the baby stays with you your son, get the ball rolling on sorting formal maintenance; this will show her he is serious and commitred.
You say you've had 2 kids. Would you have let them leave you for 48 hours at 6 weeks old? No, of course you wouldn't, so get your memory off the top shelf and demonstrate some understanding of what it's like to be the mother of a 6 week old. And then tell your son what it's like.
Given you are also relative strangers to her, why would she want to surrender her precious child to a group of adults she has little knowledge of, let alone how you might behave around the baby.
Honestly, put yourself into her shoes and think on about how your demands sound to a vulnerable mother.

'This girl' isn't preventing your son from seeing his child, she is being a good mother to your grand child. I wouldn't have handed over my baby either.

If your ds went to court, the court would order him to build up a relationship with his child and the trust of the mother, by visiting little and often. An hour or two every other day is normal.

He needs to show he can feed his baby, change a nappy, understand its needs, be gentle etc. The baby needs to get used to his scent and be happy in his arms.

At the moment, to the baby, your son is a random stranger. The baby only knows its mother's scent.

Be patient, help them both by agreeing with the mother. Your grandchild is not a toy to be passed around, and needs to feel secure. Your DS should spend the next couple of months doing as the mother asks. By then the weather will be warm and he could take the baby out in the buggy.

There are some conflicting statements in your responses OP, you say that he’s been there all the time, but also that he’s seen his son approx 4 times in 6 weeks.

He should be making very regular, daily if he can, visits to see his baby at the mums house and to help her to care for his child. If I had a baby and the father of that newborn baby came to see us less than once a week while making noise about wanting to take my baby away from me for a few hours at a time, I would refuse.

You really aren't doing your son any favours acting as a go between.

If that was one of my sons I would tell him to grow the fuck up, he's a father now, and he will have some kind of relationship with the Mum for at least the next 18 years.

He can't just ask Mummy to sort everything out for him now.

He, and you, would be better to take the Mum up on her offer so he can see his child and you can build a relationship with her too, which will benefit the baby in the long run.

It looks, from an outside perspective, that she is thinking about the best interests of her child, and you and your son are thinking about the best interests of yourselves.

He CAN see his baby! At her house! He is not being stopped!

its always the father that gets the raw deal

Oh do take a hike with that bs!! I find it hard to believe you're a woman and mother, with such an ignorant statement like that.

Nobody is saying you're harassing her. People have been very respectful in their replies to you. You're acting like a rude spoiled brat because you're being called out on your blatant lie that he can't have access to his baby. When by your own admission, not only he has access, but you also do, too! If you keep up with your stubborn, selfish and immature nasty attitude, you will be lucky to ever see the baby alone, so I'd watch it if I were you!

And stop being your immature son's 'go between'. Tell him to grow up, move out of home and handle his own problems like a MAN.

He can see his child. You are in for a long long road if this is how you are going to approach her. Get round her house and help, get him to do the same, you will get what you want. Not like this.

@LolaJ82 you need to explain to your ds that his baby needs his mum at this age and your ds must be patient and supportive. If he can bide his time and prove he’s prepared to visit whilst feeling totally uncomfortable then his ex will trust him eventually to have time alone with his baby when she is ready.
However he has to do the ground work here.
It’s no good him having immature strops and complaining to mummy.
He was old enough to create a life and now he must grow up quickly.

The baby is 6 weeks old. Of course his mother doesn't want him to be unsupervised in the company of people she barely knows. If she's breastfeeding then she literally can't be separated from her baby for more than an hour or so even if she wanted to, which she doesn't.

The baby also has no interest in a relationship with either you or your son at the moment. All the baby wants is to be as close as possible to his mother all the time.

Your son is a 19 year old boy, he doesn't understand this, but you're a mother and you should know better. Until the baby is (much) older, contact needs to be on the mother's terms.

Please educate your son, and do what is in the best interests of the baby, who didn't ask to be born into this mess.

It will probably never be in the baby's best interests to live with your son 50% of the time.

If your son has such a good job, why is he still living at home with mummy? Why doesn't he grow up and move out and have his own home where he can have the baby 50-50?

My guess is that her son is a footballer and OP lives in her son’s home (bit like Jude Bellinghams mum lives with him in Spain). Most players at top levels are quite “young” maturity-wise as everything is done for them at the academies from a young age, so they don’t learn basic life skills most other teenagers are learning.

It’s normally a good thing to have their mothers around for this reason, but only if those mothers are sensible - which OP doesn’t appear to be.