Who should message first on birthday?

[BdayQ]

If it were say, Anne’s birthday and Anne had received a card from her MIL, would you expect

1. MIL to message Anne first on her birthday to say HBD?
2. Anne to message MIL first to say thanks for the card?

I’ll not say whether I am Anne or MIL, just trying to settle a conversation with

1. DH because MIL should send message to say HBD and Anne claims she then would’ve said thanks for the card
2. DS because Anne should message MIL to say thanks for the card and MIL claims she then would’ve said HBD

First world problems I know so fairly lighthearted and trivial, just wanted to see the general consensus as one person thinks the other was rude.

Wanted to change the poll question and responses but it won’t let me, so I’ll randomly assign

You are BU as MIL messages first

You are not BU as Anne messages first

Does it really matter?

I don’t message anyone on my birthday until they have messaged me, and then I reply and say thank you, and thank you for gift and card etc.

I wouldn't give it any thought. I wouldn't think either were being rude by not messaging. It's not even vaguely a thing to think has an etiquette to it.

I'm not entirely sure why you need to message to say thank you for a card? Unnecessary admin

I wouldn't message to say thanks for the card.

If I'd sent a card I may not message again to wish HBD. I certainly wouldn't be annoyed if someone sent me a card but didn't message too.

So, sounds like YAbothBU.

Sounds like this is a deeper issue than a card / HBD!

1. MIL should message first.

Nobody needs to message anyone.

MIL sent a card, so no need to message to wish happy birthday a second time.

It was only a card (assuming no cash enclosed), so no need for Anne to say thank you

It really doesn't matter. But I'd presume someone on their birthday was busy so I wouldn't be expecting a gushing thank you over an ordinary card.

Total non issue though.

This! ^

If I had received a card I would say thankyou for the card not wait until I also got a hbd message.

if I had sent a card, I would also send a hbd and not wait until I had received a thank you message

I would expect whoever was up and free to message to message first, the person who is being unreasonable is the one who is sat there waiting for a message before they message

If you've sent a card I don't expect a message as well and likewise wouldn't expect a thank you for a card. I'd always send a thank you for a present.

Couldn’t care less. Either would happen and neither would even notice/think twice about some weird competition

There's no rules here.

In general, I have found that thinking in this way ( that someone else "should" do something, especially if that hasn't actually been communicated) can lead to unmet expectations and damaged relationships.

Jeez. How exhausting.

No one messages anyone. The card is the message. There is no need to respond to a card.

Receiving a card (and indeed a present) doesn't create a time sensitive response. As in, I must send a message the very moment I've opened it to say thank you. It's more likely something you'd do the next day when you have time. Saying happy birthday to someone is time sensitive though so you'd want to make sure you get it on the right day. It would be weird to send a card and then feel like you have to wait for them to say thank you before you can say happy birthday. So I'm team birthday girl.

Apparently to one of the people yes because they have complained that the other is rude

Maybe go to bed then 😄

The person complaining is being ridiculous and needs to be ignored.

Absolutely this

Neither should be sat waiting before they message.
But I wouldn't necessarily send a thank you for a card, certainly not immediately on a birthday morning.
If I received a message to say HBD I would reply with thank you, and thank you for the lovely card etc.
If I'd given a card I certainly wouldn't be sat around waiting for a thank you before I sent a HBD message, it wouldn't even occur to me the expect one.

The card is the message so no need to double up. However if one knows the other is high maintenance then sending a text to say HBD or thank you is probably warranted. As they are MIL and DIL then they probably know if the other is high maintenance.

Nobody needs to send a message - the card is the message wishing the recipient a Happy Birthday. You don’t need to thank people for sending you a birthday card, you just reciprocate on their birthday.

What a fuss about nothing, you don't need to thank people for sending you a card and if you've sent a card you dont need to say HBD, both of you need to get out more 😁

No one needs to message anyone. The card is the message! If there is a present a thank you message within a few days would be fine.