Who should message first on birthday?

[BdayQ]

If it were say, Anne’s birthday and Anne had received a card from her MIL, would you expect

1. MIL to message Anne first on her birthday to say HBD?
2. Anne to message MIL first to say thanks for the card?

I’ll not say whether I am Anne or MIL, just trying to settle a conversation with

1. DH because MIL should send message to say HBD and Anne claims she then would’ve said thanks for the card
2. DS because Anne should message MIL to say thanks for the card and MIL claims she then would’ve said HBD

First world problems I know so fairly lighthearted and trivial, just wanted to see the general consensus as one person thinks the other was rude.

Wanted to change the poll question and responses but it won’t let me, so I’ll randomly assign

You are BU as MIL messages first

You are not BU as Anne messages first

No, that would be terribly rude.

They should send a thank you card, but they should have bought it in advance - preferably posting it the previous day in anticipation.

I would only expect people to wish me a happy birthday on the day if they had access to social media, but if they are normally active online I’d probably hold back a bit and give them a chance to drop me a message at which point I’d thank them both for the message and for the card/present.
If I didn’t hear from them full stop I’d drop them a message later on to say thank you for my card.

I find it odd some posters are claiming to not expect a message full stop, either to wish a happy birthday or to say thank you for card. Are these the same people I bump into out and about who don’t thank people for holding doors open/moving out of the way/stepping aside when blocking the pavement? I was always taught manners cost nothing.

If I got the card on my birthday. I would message to say thank you, at some point during the day, if not within the next couple of days.

I say that as a 26 year old, who is not a MIL. Maybe I biased because I do adore my MIL but I think it’s just manners.

Whoever is making a fuss about this either has far too much time on their hands or bigger issues with their MIL/DIL

To me neither are rude and i wouldn't give it a second thought.

If I absolutely HAD to pick I'd say Anne should have messaged MIL to say thank you for the card because technically MIL has already offered birthday wishes on the day via the card and therefore isn't actually required to text HBD at all.

But whoever is annoyed is unreasonable for being so uptight.

Spot on

I'd assume the person complaining about this has massive problems with the other one and is looking for excuses to have a go at them, because as others have observed, no message is required. If you have sent a card you have already said HBD (I might say it in a message too as I would generally message someone I loved on their BD to ask how their day was going, and in that message I would include HBD, but I wouldn't consider it remiss of me if I didn't do that, IYSWIM).

And there is no need to specifically text thank you for a card - you probably say that next time you speak to the person, but no big deal if you don't.

So come on OP, which one are you? I am assuming you are the one who isn't bothered about the texts? But you are bothered it has now become a big deal? Fair play - I would be too, if someone was stirring up trouble over minor stuff like this.....

The usual response to thank you is you're welcome.

Wait- if someone spends money on a birthday card (and cards/postage isn’t necessarily cheap- assuming it’s a nice card), are people genuinely of the opinion you don’t need to thank someone for a card? This is a massive eye opener for me- I find that VERY rude.

I am old enough that I remember when people sent each other cards and noone expected a thank you. Aside from anything else, the cost of a phone call was more than the cost of the stamp would have been.

I am very polite but don't think I need to send a text every time someone breathes. Now that texts and messages on SM are so easy and free, expectations of multiple empty greetings have soared.

If someone sent me a card I wouldn't expect them to message as well. I would not necessarily thank someone for a card unless I was contacting them about something else. I only contact and thank people who have sent gifts - apart from a general thank you post on Facebook for all those who have sent birthday greetings on there.

No, I do all of those "out and about" things

I also will wish you a happy birthday by sending you a card. I don't need to send you a text as well.

Manners is not making someone else's birthday about you.

I don't value the greeting by the amount of money that someone spent on it. That is a massive eye-opener for me.

If you hand me a card, I'll thank you for it. If you wish me Happy Birthday on WhatsApp or text, I'll ❤️ you back.

No, I'm not opening a new line of communication to thank you for a birthday card.

Are you one of those people who send a Teams message at work to ask if I got your email?

yABU as surely nobody cares about this.

I would message someone to thank them for a card or gift, not just a gift. I still wish people happy birthday on the day even if I’ve sent a card. All of my family and husband’s family do this.

Agree with everyone, I could not be doing with this. Card is the message. No one needs to text.

I don’t send cards so I message ppl on their birthdays (SM, text, WA). If someone sends me a card (pls don’t) I don’t message to say thank you!

I do say thank you for cards but maybe a day or so later. As birthdays are always rather busy and don’t open cards until later on anyway. And also I can say “thanks for the card, had a lovely day. Went for a nice meal etc” but then most people who give me cards I either see on the day or would send me a message as well. So a none issue in a way

MIL has already wished Anne a happy birthday by sending a card. Anne should message MIL to let her know it arrived and say thanks for the birthday wishes.

On my actual birthday I probably wouldn't message to say thank you for the card. I might well message and say thanks another day, though we don't really do thank yous for cards (as opposed to gifts) so I probably wouldn't unless it was a very special card. I might mention in person if I particularly liked it.

Agreed. I would thank someone for a gift, not a card. Also find it annoying when someone asks “did you get my card?” If you posted it, I got it, so why ask?

It's not a big deal whether way.

If I received a card, I would have sent a thank you text.

If I sent one, I wouldn't care if the receiver tested me or not.

I wouldnt text someone to say thanks for a card.

if I had sent a card I wouldn’t message them happy birthday as that’s the purpose of the card.

I don’t message people on my birthday because it is a ‘no chores’ celebration day! If I don’t hear from them on the day, then I’ll eventually message afterward to say thank you for a gift. But if they message me on the day I will say thank you at that time. I’d say DH shouldn’t be telling you what to do on your special day.

MIL sent a card so had to be organised before Anne's birthday. That effort means it's a genuine HBD wish. MIL doesn't then need to wish HBD on the actual day.

No message is necessary but if a message was to be sent I believe it should be Anne at some point in the day to say thanks for the card, but as I say, not necessary.

Or, if you are my mother saying Thank You is off the scale, she's been known to text "Thanks for the Thank You card".