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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should message first on birthday?

153 replies

BdayQ · 20/03/2025 20:51

If it were say, Anne’s birthday and Anne had received a card from her MIL, would you expect

  1. MIL to message Anne first on her birthday to say HBD?
  2. Anne to message MIL first to say thanks for the card?
I’ll not say whether I am Anne or MIL, just trying to settle a conversation with
  1. DH because MIL should send message to say HBD and Anne claims she then would’ve said thanks for the card
  2. DS because Anne should message MIL to say thanks for the card and MIL claims she then would’ve said HBD

First world problems I know so fairly lighthearted and trivial, just wanted to see the general consensus as one person thinks the other was rude.

Wanted to change the poll question and responses but it won’t let me, so I’ll randomly assign

You are BU as MIL messages first

You are not BU as Anne messages first

OP posts:
Cynic17 · 21/03/2025 08:41

Who cares? Nobody needs to message anyone, tbh. It's usual, and polite, to thank someone for a gift, but it's not necessary for a card.
And if someone has sent you a card, why do they need to message you as well?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/03/2025 08:44

LighthouseTeaCup · 20/03/2025 20:56

Nobody needs to message anyone.

MIL sent a card, so no need to message to wish happy birthday a second time.

It was only a card (assuming no cash enclosed), so no need for Anne to say thank you

I think this is right.

But if anything, it would be MIL to make first contact (if there had to be text messaging).

I don’t think a card creates an obligation to send a text message of thanks.

But equally, yes the card is the birthday greeting, so I’m back to thinking no-one

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/03/2025 08:45

I definitely don’t think a birthday is a day you’re obliged to spend messaging and phoning everyone - I know some people seem to!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/03/2025 08:47

I do think we need the @BdayQ OP to come back and tell us who is who in this and why they are upset about something so trivial!

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 21/03/2025 09:08

This is a real dilemma for many of us.

Should I use CAPITALS for the greeting?
How many exclamation marks are de rigeur these days?
Is it rude to include the age?
Should it be jocular or sympathetic?
And, of course, at what time should the warm wishes be sent? (Definitely before midday.)

My solution is to review the archive of the 'birthday wishes' which I have received and reply in a similar manner to the sender. I find that this seems to be acceptable in most cases.

XWKD · 21/03/2025 09:17

Waiting for a birthday text before thanking someone who sent a card is incredibly petty. There's no entitlement to a birthday text. If a card isn't enough, there's some seriously narcissistic bullshit going on.

It's only a birthday. It doesn't matter.

CandyCane457 · 21/03/2025 09:19

onwardsup4 · 20/03/2025 21:44

If I care enough for someone to send a card i would want them to be enjoying their birthday not worrying about thanking me for the card. Day or two later sure it’s nice to send a thank you message

Show quote history

I don’t “worry about thanking them” but I do send a message at a convenient time. At no point did I say I sit worrying and can’t enjoy myself until it’s done. And similarly, it may not always be on my actual birthday, sometimes the day after, but I will always send a message to say thank you.

Original poster
BdayQ · 21/03/2025 09:44

Morning! So I am ‘Anne’ and to give full context of the situation, it was my birthday on Thursday last week. MIL sent me a card, which she is seemingly pissed off I didn’t thank her for on the day.

I opened cards at 7am when I got up with DC on my birthday. I then took DC1 to school, went for a coffee with toddler and a friend. Called to see my parents for a couple of hours, went to collect DC1 from school, went for an early dinner with DH and DC, went home for cake, then bed.

Friday usual school run, then went to a toddler group, park, home, normal day.

Saturday morning swimming lessons. Saturday lunchtime MIL FaceTimes DH to chat, I lean over and say “Thanks for the birthday card!” She purses her lips and says “You received it then?” I told her yes as I thought she was maybe referring to the fact that cards for DC have in the past arrived late or apparently got lost in the post.

I carried on doing what I was doing but could still hear the call (I think she knew I could) and she was saying to DH “You know, I thought it was rude of Anne not to thank me for the birthday card.” DH said “She just did!” to which she said “Yes, but on the day.” DH said she would be still asleep when I opened the card, then was busy all day. “Hmmm, clearly too busy to even bother sending a text!” And the conversation moved on.

Mostly pissed off with myself to be honest for not jumping in and saying “As clearly were you too busy to send a text saying HBD!” No shes not obliged to text me HBD at all and it didn’t even cross my mind that she hadn’t, it was only the fact that she’s clearly pissed at me for not sending her a thank you text on the day.

Just to add, whether I need to/should do or not, I always send messages on her birthday, it’s me that makes sure the DC call her on her birthday, she knows it’s me who sends her cards and presents for birthday, Xmas, Mother’s Day. I could stop that but it’s just tit for tat really. Just think she’s a cheeky cow really.

That was all really, no big deal, just wondering others opinions, so thanks for the inputs!

OP posts:
B1indEye · 21/03/2025 09:53

BdayQ · 21/03/2025 09:44

Morning! So I am ‘Anne’ and to give full context of the situation, it was my birthday on Thursday last week. MIL sent me a card, which she is seemingly pissed off I didn’t thank her for on the day.

I opened cards at 7am when I got up with DC on my birthday. I then took DC1 to school, went for a coffee with toddler and a friend. Called to see my parents for a couple of hours, went to collect DC1 from school, went for an early dinner with DH and DC, went home for cake, then bed.

Friday usual school run, then went to a toddler group, park, home, normal day.

Saturday morning swimming lessons. Saturday lunchtime MIL FaceTimes DH to chat, I lean over and say “Thanks for the birthday card!” She purses her lips and says “You received it then?” I told her yes as I thought she was maybe referring to the fact that cards for DC have in the past arrived late or apparently got lost in the post.

I carried on doing what I was doing but could still hear the call (I think she knew I could) and she was saying to DH “You know, I thought it was rude of Anne not to thank me for the birthday card.” DH said “She just did!” to which she said “Yes, but on the day.” DH said she would be still asleep when I opened the card, then was busy all day. “Hmmm, clearly too busy to even bother sending a text!” And the conversation moved on.

Mostly pissed off with myself to be honest for not jumping in and saying “As clearly were you too busy to send a text saying HBD!” No shes not obliged to text me HBD at all and it didn’t even cross my mind that she hadn’t, it was only the fact that she’s clearly pissed at me for not sending her a thank you text on the day.

Just to add, whether I need to/should do or not, I always send messages on her birthday, it’s me that makes sure the DC call her on her birthday, she knows it’s me who sends her cards and presents for birthday, Xmas, Mother’s Day. I could stop that but it’s just tit for tat really. Just think she’s a cheeky cow really.

That was all really, no big deal, just wondering others opinions, so thanks for the inputs!

We all knew you were Anne 😂😂

Littletreefrog · 21/03/2025 09:54

BdayQ · 21/03/2025 09:44

Morning! So I am ‘Anne’ and to give full context of the situation, it was my birthday on Thursday last week. MIL sent me a card, which she is seemingly pissed off I didn’t thank her for on the day.

I opened cards at 7am when I got up with DC on my birthday. I then took DC1 to school, went for a coffee with toddler and a friend. Called to see my parents for a couple of hours, went to collect DC1 from school, went for an early dinner with DH and DC, went home for cake, then bed.

Friday usual school run, then went to a toddler group, park, home, normal day.

Saturday morning swimming lessons. Saturday lunchtime MIL FaceTimes DH to chat, I lean over and say “Thanks for the birthday card!” She purses her lips and says “You received it then?” I told her yes as I thought she was maybe referring to the fact that cards for DC have in the past arrived late or apparently got lost in the post.

I carried on doing what I was doing but could still hear the call (I think she knew I could) and she was saying to DH “You know, I thought it was rude of Anne not to thank me for the birthday card.” DH said “She just did!” to which she said “Yes, but on the day.” DH said she would be still asleep when I opened the card, then was busy all day. “Hmmm, clearly too busy to even bother sending a text!” And the conversation moved on.

Mostly pissed off with myself to be honest for not jumping in and saying “As clearly were you too busy to send a text saying HBD!” No shes not obliged to text me HBD at all and it didn’t even cross my mind that she hadn’t, it was only the fact that she’s clearly pissed at me for not sending her a thank you text on the day.

Just to add, whether I need to/should do or not, I always send messages on her birthday, it’s me that makes sure the DC call her on her birthday, she knows it’s me who sends her cards and presents for birthday, Xmas, Mother’s Day. I could stop that but it’s just tit for tat really. Just think she’s a cheeky cow really.

That was all really, no big deal, just wondering others opinions, so thanks for the inputs!

Your MIL obviously went to the same birthday card etiquette evening class as my Mother!

Sunat45degrees · 21/03/2025 09:57

Complete non issue. If I received a card, I would not respond to thank the person for the card. I might send a message saying thank you if there was a gift with the card. I don't believe cards need a thank you when sent in the post.

If I received a card, I also would not feel that MIL needed to message me for my birthday. If she did, how lovely. But she has sent a card. so now she doesn't need to wish me another birthday message.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/03/2025 09:58

BdayQ · 21/03/2025 09:44

Morning! So I am ‘Anne’ and to give full context of the situation, it was my birthday on Thursday last week. MIL sent me a card, which she is seemingly pissed off I didn’t thank her for on the day.

I opened cards at 7am when I got up with DC on my birthday. I then took DC1 to school, went for a coffee with toddler and a friend. Called to see my parents for a couple of hours, went to collect DC1 from school, went for an early dinner with DH and DC, went home for cake, then bed.

Friday usual school run, then went to a toddler group, park, home, normal day.

Saturday morning swimming lessons. Saturday lunchtime MIL FaceTimes DH to chat, I lean over and say “Thanks for the birthday card!” She purses her lips and says “You received it then?” I told her yes as I thought she was maybe referring to the fact that cards for DC have in the past arrived late or apparently got lost in the post.

I carried on doing what I was doing but could still hear the call (I think she knew I could) and she was saying to DH “You know, I thought it was rude of Anne not to thank me for the birthday card.” DH said “She just did!” to which she said “Yes, but on the day.” DH said she would be still asleep when I opened the card, then was busy all day. “Hmmm, clearly too busy to even bother sending a text!” And the conversation moved on.

Mostly pissed off with myself to be honest for not jumping in and saying “As clearly were you too busy to send a text saying HBD!” No shes not obliged to text me HBD at all and it didn’t even cross my mind that she hadn’t, it was only the fact that she’s clearly pissed at me for not sending her a thank you text on the day.

Just to add, whether I need to/should do or not, I always send messages on her birthday, it’s me that makes sure the DC call her on her birthday, she knows it’s me who sends her cards and presents for birthday, Xmas, Mother’s Day. I could stop that but it’s just tit for tat really. Just think she’s a cheeky cow really.

That was all really, no big deal, just wondering others opinions, so thanks for the inputs!

Does she message/call you to thank you for her birthday cards/presents first thing in the morning on the day of her birthday?

Also, she'd possibly have a point if she had sent you a really thoughtful gift and you hadn't messaged to thank her, but all this passive aggresive behaviour over not being immediately thanked for a card is ridiculous.

nellylemonade · 21/03/2025 10:03

LighthouseTeaCup · 20/03/2025 20:56

Nobody needs to message anyone.

MIL sent a card, so no need to message to wish happy birthday a second time.

It was only a card (assuming no cash enclosed), so no need for Anne to say thank you

I agree with this. Nobody should be upset, the upset one is causing drama that is not needed.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 21/03/2025 10:04

I would like to know that the card had arrived safely, but not on the birthday itself - would always assume everyone too busy. But then I send presents to my DILs (and SILs) so an acknowledgement of receipt is usually forthcoming in a day or so (well, a photo of said gift somewhere - it's usually flowers or food or something). But just a card? Cheapskate!

WrylyAmused · 21/03/2025 10:05

There was a nice analysis of this kind of thing on a thread about second wedding presents.

Why do you send a birthday card/wish someone HBD? Hopefully because you care about them, and are thinking well of them and want to convey those positive feelings.
So therefore by taking that action you've done that, and shouldn't need to be thanked.

If, on the other hand, you see doing either of those things as a tiresome obligation, then you'd expect to be thanked - but in that circumstance maybe you just shouldn't send the card or the wishes as you don't seem to like the recipient very much.

Don't give gifts for the purpose of being thanked/receiving praise for your generosity, that's a shitty attitude.

nellylemonade · 21/03/2025 10:05

Just read update, she’s the drama. You sound like you’ve got it perfectly.

Freshflower · 21/03/2025 10:06

It doesn't matter either way. The card is the happy birthday message and a thank you is a must. It doesn't then matter who gets in there first in between to say text thank you or another happy birthday text

2JFDIYOLO · 21/03/2025 10:20

She has already messaged BY SENDING A CARD.

The recipient should then send a quick thankyou for the kind thought.

It would have taken you 10 seconds to be courteous.

Mischance · 21/03/2025 10:22

Life is just too short .......

kitchentablegardentable · 21/03/2025 10:57

Total non issue either way.

But if it were me, if someone went to the trouble of sending me a card I would acknowledge it with a thanks.

I find card sending a massive faff so would need to acknowledge the effort.

offmynut · 21/03/2025 11:02

I can barely remember my own birthday let alone anyone else.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 21/03/2025 11:03

Exactly.

I can't say I've ever given a moments thought. I just do whatever I've got time and headspace for in the moment.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 21/03/2025 11:11

It's weirdly fascinating that some people seem to want to create issues.

Karatema · 21/03/2025 11:24

@UpUpUpU- that was my first thought!

I’m lucky to get a happy birthday from my DC.
I really miss my DMiL because she always phoned to say thanks for the pressies and happy birthday. My DP always wish me happy birthday first.

KrisAkabusi · 21/03/2025 11:46

So I am ‘Anne’

No shit!