Who should message first on birthday?

[BdayQ]

If it were say, Anne’s birthday and Anne had received a card from her MIL, would you expect

1. MIL to message Anne first on her birthday to say HBD?
2. Anne to message MIL first to say thanks for the card?

I’ll not say whether I am Anne or MIL, just trying to settle a conversation with

1. DH because MIL should send message to say HBD and Anne claims she then would’ve said thanks for the card
2. DS because Anne should message MIL to say thanks for the card and MIL claims she then would’ve said HBD

First world problems I know so fairly lighthearted and trivial, just wanted to see the general consensus as one person thinks the other was rude.

Wanted to change the poll question and responses but it won’t let me, so I’ll randomly assign

You are BU as MIL messages first

You are not BU as Anne messages first

Ann should message back her mil when she received the card

On that note, should MIL also message Anne first upon opening her card when Anne sends one on MIL’s birthday?

She's just told you that it would be rude not to so yes, she will, I'm sure, message you to thank you for the card.

She sounds like my mil. She never phones the dc on their birthdays to wish them a happy birthday but expects them to contact her. She threw a hissy fit one year when one of the dc was away on their birthday and didn't get the card until they came home and then phoned to thank her. There were repeated comments how it's such a shame when manners are let go and it's really important to ensure the dc have manners.

I have nothing to do with her birthday (she never acknowledges mine), I am pretty confident that she wouldn't phone dh to thank him for her card/present if he didn't phone her first.

Seeing as you sort all her birthday .Christmas gifts from DC and yourselves I think I would have said " is the present on its way "
(Of course irl o would not do this)

I hope for your sake MIL Alice's miles away as she sounds like hard work

@BdayQ Stop making the effort for her. Husband's mother, Husband's responsibility.

Stick her bday on the calendar and leave him to it.

So would you expect someone who sent a card and received a texted thank-you message to text back "You're welcome"?

Do you work for EE?

My MIL is of the opinion the birthday person has to call her to say thanks for the card. But on her birthday, people have to call her to wish her happy birthday.

Basically, it’s all about her.

The correct answer is:

Nobody

Really depends on the relationship. We had grandparents who would send a gift but then have to be the first to call and sort of hog the holiday morning, it started feeling all about them. We have also had that same grandparent act passive aggressively towards a different child in the family, and sit and stew waiting for that thank you call before she would say Happy Birthday.

A healthy balance is better, like sure, MIL can call and say Happy Birthday and then the child can thank her, but it shouldn't be first thing on the day when the household might be doing a family celebration. But I don't think the grandmother should be sitting there waiting for a thank you before she is willing to say Happy Birthday. That's just immature and mean, especially when a child is involved. If you can't give from the heart without expecting a thank you, then don't give at all.

Unless the card had money in it, I have also never heard of saying thank you for a card. A card is a greeting, not a gift.

I now see this is about DIL and MIL, not a grandchild.

Well, it's ridiculous. I have never called someone to thank them for a card! If MIL calls then Anne can say that she RECEIVED the card.

MIL sounds like a real pill.

In a healthy relationship, it wouldn't matter. Whoever thought to text first would just text first...

In reality, I rarely message people to thank them for cards etc until the day after my birthday. But I would expect people to text me on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday... So if the MIL is claiming she didn't wish happy birthday cos she wasn't thanked for the card, that's weird behaviour.

If there is a card there is no need for anyone to send a message. Unless the card comes with a gift of some kind, then the recipient needs to say thank you.

There's no harm in either side sending a message, but it's not rude or odd in any way if they don't.

I agree! But if just a card is sent I will send a message, if there is a note in the card. “Happy Birthday, Hope all is well must meet up soon” will reply “ thanks for the card, all good and had a lovely birthday. Yes, we must meet up, when are you free?”

The answer is, neither of the poll answers so the OP is BU to present this choice. Could be either or neither.
But if someone genuinely wants another person to have a happy birthday, then they absolutely shouldn’t get sniffy about who messages first/at all.

If someone takes the time to think about you and wish you a happy birthday by going and buying you a card and then post the card to you, you wouldn’t bother saying thank you? You don’t think that’s rude?…..
It’s rude and ungrateful

No I don’t think it’s rude in general.
if it’s someone who I am in touch with regularly and who I would expect to send me a card (eg close family) then I wouldn’t feel a need to specifically thank them for the card. And I wouldn’t expect a similar thank you from them. If someone slightly more distant surprised me with a card out of the blue then I would respond.

Sometimes you miss the laughing emoji. How about messaging on Facebook, just to complicate matters even further.

Expecting a card is rude in itself. Not to say thank you whether someone has surprised you with a card or not is rude

Expecting a card is not rude. I expect to get cards from certain people. If I didn't get one from them, I would be surprised. I think you may be misunderstanding the meaning of the word "expect". It simply means you believe something is likely to happen. Given the people I expect cards from have given me one many times previously, I obviously expect they will do the same again.

But yes, I do agree, saying thank you for a card is polite.

I agree, I think it’s polite to say thank you for a card. I’m clearly in the minority.

No I totally understand what you mean about expecting a card. I suppose it’s not the same as expecting someone to do something for you that they don’t have to.

I think the card says happy birthday so no need to call or message as well and you don't need to phone or message someone to thank them for a card (only gifts). If there was money in the card you need to say thank you. If not, neither if you need to do anything (unless you want to).

They don't have to send a card but I still expect it. There is nothing wrong or rude in expecting someone to do something for you that they don't have to do. Obviously it would be rude to react negatively if they didn't do it or to demand they do it but the expectation itself is not rude or unreasonable.

I understand that but not saying thank you for a card even if you do expect one is still rude

Yes. Which is why, in my post that you quoted, I stated "But yes, I do agree, saying thank you for a card is polite". I disagreed with your assertion that the expectation was rude.