Not invited to sister-in-law’s wedding

[Unlisted]

Right it’s my first post but it’s a long one. I want to give full background.

I am very close to my family and DH would say he was close to his as well. He probably sees his mother three or four times a week, if he is working at home he will pick the kids up and drop in to see them. I don’t think he would care if I ever saw them.

I however make him see my family, not every time I see them but enough. I am close to my sister and my BiL naturally gravitates to my DH who acknowledges that he is a good guy but who he finds boring. At our wedding FiL met my BiL and nicknamed him Joe90- a puppet from the 60s!

Every time we go to see them as a family , maybe every month DH used to ask if he had to go and then my son would say the same. It was hurtful so he stopped.

About twice sometimes three times a year Sister and BiL get heavily discounted holidays and travel and we occasionally join them for a couple of days.

On Sunday we were arranging to meet them at a holiday destination after Easter but DH kept saying he wouldn’t be available. He wouldn’t elucidate but kept repeating that I should go ahead with the kids. It was really embarrassing because he wouldn’t tell me why.

We got in the car and I asked him why he couldn’t confirm and my normally mild mannered good humoured husband pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids said that he’d be at his sister’s wedding. She is getting married in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family as his family aren’t freaks like mine!

I think I have a good relationship with his family. I am stunned,

I am not invited (neither are the other partners).

I was crying my eyes out and he was so serious with the kids about how they had to keep everything a secret as his mother doesn’t know yet.

My five year old now uses the word freak all the time.

He has apologised but I want an explanation. He says it’s not his gig!

I thought it was a secret until her mother is told?

Presumably he would at some point, if he didn't know she'd be away with her sister he would have realised that she'd probably have noticed him getting dressed up in his best suit and disappearing for the day.

Firstly...he likely exploded because he knows this is a problem and so it's been building up for him. Which is also why he has lashed out and called your family freaks Unfortunately it's just a symptom of an underlying problem. His orginal family, parents and siblings is his priority not the one he has created with you.
This never ends well, he won't change, he won't suddenly realise it's not normal he will make your family look odd because his dynamic with his family is different (most are... its the intorance to the differences that are the issues).
Marriage to someone who doesn't put you first isn't worth anything. You deserve more. Throw him back.

I would say nothing more.

However, I’m petty. So I would think this coming year would be the best time for a fantastic anniversary party, plus birthday celebrations for the children. I’d have beautiful invites printed and then happily hand them out to SiL, making it clear that her very new husband would not be getting an invitation with her.

I’m sure at that point, when she is on the receiving end of such shitty behaviour, she will realise the hurt it causes.

I am all for a small wedding, but I would not invite people without their partners, especially if they are family. It is the height of bad manners in my opinion and the lack of self-awareness when people do this is astounding. I can assure you she would not like her new husband excluded from family events going on in the future, particularly to do with her brother, so I would go out of my way to make sure she never receives a plus one again. What goes around comes around after all.

As for your husband, he’s a jerk. If my husband’s brother was getting married and did not invite me, I know what my husband‘s response would be. It would be ‘oh well have a great time’. There is no way he would go without me.

Wow, what a weird shambles. I think given everything you have said about your relationship and this anomalous behaviour, your DH knows deep down it’s wrong and is feeling guilty and pressured about it. At the very least, we should have been open with you as soon as he found out from SIL. Ultimately, it’s probably going to fracture your relationship with SIL forever, but that’s her choice. As for DH, hopefully a lesson learned not to keep things from you and never to talk to you again like that.

Well your DH and his family sound weird. I would give them a wide berth and not allowing my kids to see them either if they make them keep secrets from their mother. I would not be upset about the wedding though tbh. There are quite a few family weddings on DHs side I would be more than happy getting out of. I also wouldn’t be making him have a relationship with your family if he isn’t bothered especially if he calls you freaks. Unpleasant man.

Sounds like SIL had a strict budget.

Still, it’s really hurtful that you weren’t included after knowing her for years and sharing holidays, etc.

What’s going on with DP? The screaming at you makes me think something else is up with him. It’s such an overreaction that I’d be suspicious that he’s keeping something else from you like he’s in trouble at work, or mentally checking out of the marriage.