Not invited to sister-in-law’s wedding

[Unlisted]

Right it’s my first post but it’s a long one. I want to give full background.

I am very close to my family and DH would say he was close to his as well. He probably sees his mother three or four times a week, if he is working at home he will pick the kids up and drop in to see them. I don’t think he would care if I ever saw them.

I however make him see my family, not every time I see them but enough. I am close to my sister and my BiL naturally gravitates to my DH who acknowledges that he is a good guy but who he finds boring. At our wedding FiL met my BiL and nicknamed him Joe90- a puppet from the 60s!

Every time we go to see them as a family , maybe every month DH used to ask if he had to go and then my son would say the same. It was hurtful so he stopped.

About twice sometimes three times a year Sister and BiL get heavily discounted holidays and travel and we occasionally join them for a couple of days.

On Sunday we were arranging to meet them at a holiday destination after Easter but DH kept saying he wouldn’t be available. He wouldn’t elucidate but kept repeating that I should go ahead with the kids. It was really embarrassing because he wouldn’t tell me why.

We got in the car and I asked him why he couldn’t confirm and my normally mild mannered good humoured husband pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids said that he’d be at his sister’s wedding. She is getting married in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family as his family aren’t freaks like mine!

I think I have a good relationship with his family. I am stunned,

I am not invited (neither are the other partners).

I was crying my eyes out and he was so serious with the kids about how they had to keep everything a secret as his mother doesn’t know yet.

My five year old now uses the word freak all the time.

He has apologised but I want an explanation. He says it’s not his gig!

There is absolutely everything wrong with a member of family inviting a relative to their wedding without inviting their spouse. At best it's bad taste. At worst its extremely rude & designed to cause upset such as the type posted on this thread.

@Nonrienderien it would be wrong if you were the only partner not invited, or if they were having about 200 guests and an all day fancy affair and they didn’t invite sibling’s partners. But this appears to be a small intimate wedding where will be close family and a few friends. Wouldn’t bother me if DH was invited to something like that without me.

@Nonrienderien There is absolutely everything wrong with a member of family inviting a relative to their wedding without inviting their spouse

That would only be if you were singling someone out though. That’s not the case here. It’s a small wedding with NO partners going. It’s not that OP has specifically been excluded. There should be no issue with this.

We can have our different opinions on this. I asked my DH how he would feel if his sister invited him to her wedding without inviting me. His answer didn't surprise me when he said firstly that would never happen in my family & secondly if it did I wouldn't attend. I feel the same.

I disagree, people are allowed to have the wedding they want. The SIL wanted a small wedding and no partners were invited. It wasn’t a slight at all.

Further to this, OP has admitted she makes no effort whatsoever to form a relationship with her ILs, so shouldn’t expect to feature in their plans.

It’s not childcare when it’s your own children. And he knows OP is “available” - she’s taking them on holiday with her sister and BIL!

It's still childcare. The holiday plans were just being discussed that day and he had obviously known about the wedding prior to that. They are his children too and he's just as responsible for them as she is yet he goes about making plans without confirming things with his wife.

Sounds like the sister is keeping it a secret as a surprise for the mother which explains why she doesn’t know yet. Slightly weird.
Small ceremony with no sibling partners. Slightly weird but if they want very small and immediate family that’s not uncommon and their choice.
Screaming in your face in front of the children. Unacceptable behaviour.
However, I don’t think this is actually about the wedding. This is years of pent up frustration. From your husbands point of view - you ‘make’ him see your family. He’s no doubt pissed off at being made to spend time with people he clearly doesn’t like. Including holidays. Nothing worse than spending a holiday (or part of) with people you have no interest in. This was an event for his family that he wanted to attend and once again your family are a priority.
You were embarrassing him. He said the date wasn’t convenient, accept it and talk about it later. Badgering him for a reason in front of people is rude and childish.
His behaviour is totally unacceptable, but I actually understand it.

Agree.

I'll never understand why people believe keeping secrets within marriage outwith secrets which have a legal necessity or it involves their job is healthy within the relationship. There is no way my DH & I wouldn't share information about a secret wedding if only to help us make a decision as a partnership as to whether to attend or not. In the case of only one of us invited we would decline the invitation simply because it's insulting to the person left out to not be considered part of the family through marriage.

This, I think. You’re focusing on the wedding, and your contrasting attitudes to family, to avoid the fact that your DH screamed aggressively an inch from your face in front of your children.

Seems to me your DH has been told this secret, been forced to keep it a secret, isn't happy about it and has taken it out on you when you pushed for an answer on where he'd be during the potential upcoming holiday! I'm not really sure what you want any explanation of? SIL is having a super small private secret wedding, is there any other explanation needed?

Agree with @Boromirsgreyhound

Husband was wrong but pressuring and badgering him is wrong, too.

There are myriad ways to approach extended family relationships.

Neither of these people like their in-laws. OP is doing as she pleases but forcing her husband to fall in with plans he dreads. It’s really unfair.

Your sister in law’s wedding is irrelevant. She hasn’t specifically cut you out, she has decided no partners and hasnt even told her mum. Not how you or I would have it but fine. It isn’t a slight on you or your children. Your huge issue is your weird, secretive and aggressive husband. There was no reason he couldn’t have told you in a reasonable manner when arrangements were made. And I don’t understand what his feelings about your brother in law has to do with it at all.

Yes. DH and I have completely different relationships with our families, and completely different patterns of contact. I wouldn’t dream of forcing him into my ‘pattern’, or even thinking that he should. Ultimately, his parents and siblings aren’t his.

I certainly can’t fathom why, just because the OP is close to her sister, she needs to inflict her sister’s boring DH on hers. it’s lovely that the sisters are close, but there’s no need for double-dating with Mr Dullard. Just see one another separately.

She ain't forcing him, shes expecting him to do the right thing and make effort. The husband does as he wants , the only reason he doesn't 'force' his wife to visit his mum is because they, not him, are not bothered to see op. Yes there are many ways to approach the matter, doesn't mean any of these 'ways' are correct.

Most measured and reasonable response so far.

Wankbadger is next level 😂

Was it a proper apology? Doesn't sound like it

Why is it "the right thing" to drag your spouse along to visit your relatives? An occasional visit requiring a lot of travelling I could understand but not monthly visits and several holidays a year. Just because some couples never go anywhere unaccompanied doesn't mean all couples are like that. I often visit my father or sister without my husband, he often visits his parents without me. For big occasions we go together but in general most people are more uncomfortable with their relatives than their inlaws and often it can be nice for 2 sisters to get together and the husbands look after the kids and do stuff with them. The OP seems unwilling to do any relly visiting alone although she doesn't mention her parents.
The husband had 1 aggressive outburst. I don't think this makes him an aggressive man. The OP will know what he is really like. He should have told his sister he would tell the OP about the wedding. There is no reason for anyone to feel snubbed by not being invited to a small wedding. It really isn't important. The way it was all handled was poor but the couple need to look at how they can both get more enjoyment out of their lives and their relationship. No adult should be telling another adult they must visit someone every month and go on regular holidays with them just because they want them to. That is controlling.

Because that would have a negative impact on the relationships between everyone.
OP mentions that her son has already started behaving in a negative way by being influenced.
OP your husbands family sound rude. Why couldn't the SIL not tell you? She is a grown up and so are you. If no partners are invited then you aren't being treated differently. Perhaps she doesn't want a fuss. People often do big weddings for other peoples sakes, perhaps she is being a little selfish but I get it.
However, I would expect a full apology fot him screamibg and using derogatory language towards your family, in front of the kids. They need to see what he did was wrong and how to show remorse for it. Up to you if you accept it.

There’s two issues here firstly your husband screaming in your face is totally unacceptable regardless of you asking him. You didn’t even know about the wedding so of course you would ask why. His sister asked him to keep the secret. And why couldn’t he tell you, I’d be unhappy with dh keeping secrets from me and telling the kids to keep secrets too.

The second issue is the fact he doesn’t like your family, has no desire to have a relationship with them and describes them (and you ) as freaks. He doesn’t sound like a nice person at all.

The wedding isn’t personal but yea hurtful. I think you need to reevaluate your relationship with his family and vice versa. It seems clear sees you as seperate from his family and isn’t part of your family. You need to decide if that’s acceptable to you

He SCREAMED in your face ? And in front of your children?! Your SIL isn’t the problem. Your husband’s anger management is! Disrespect !

None of the partners are invited