Not invited to sister-in-law’s wedding

[Unlisted]

Right it’s my first post but it’s a long one. I want to give full background.

I am very close to my family and DH would say he was close to his as well. He probably sees his mother three or four times a week, if he is working at home he will pick the kids up and drop in to see them. I don’t think he would care if I ever saw them.

I however make him see my family, not every time I see them but enough. I am close to my sister and my BiL naturally gravitates to my DH who acknowledges that he is a good guy but who he finds boring. At our wedding FiL met my BiL and nicknamed him Joe90- a puppet from the 60s!

Every time we go to see them as a family , maybe every month DH used to ask if he had to go and then my son would say the same. It was hurtful so he stopped.

About twice sometimes three times a year Sister and BiL get heavily discounted holidays and travel and we occasionally join them for a couple of days.

On Sunday we were arranging to meet them at a holiday destination after Easter but DH kept saying he wouldn’t be available. He wouldn’t elucidate but kept repeating that I should go ahead with the kids. It was really embarrassing because he wouldn’t tell me why.

We got in the car and I asked him why he couldn’t confirm and my normally mild mannered good humoured husband pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids said that he’d be at his sister’s wedding. She is getting married in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family as his family aren’t freaks like mine!

I think I have a good relationship with his family. I am stunned,

I am not invited (neither are the other partners).

I was crying my eyes out and he was so serious with the kids about how they had to keep everything a secret as his mother doesn’t know yet.

My five year old now uses the word freak all the time.

He has apologised but I want an explanation. He says it’s not his gig!

So the siblings never kept it from their partners?!?

in your shoes I’d let it go now!… go on holiday and forget about the wedding!!… think about the money you’ll save not having to buy yourself and the kids outfits, having hair done etc…. And with that go away with the kids .. have a lovely time and don’t give the wedding anymore thought…

OP, please, wake up. An outburst like that speaks volumes of internalised and withheld negative feelings. Shouting in your face, withholding, bullying and silent treatment are all forms of abuse. An apology is not going to cut it. At the age of 5 a child is not old enough to understand, they don't know how to process that and it will stay with them.
Your SiL should not have asked your DH to keep it a secret from you and, he should never have agreed to - YOU'RE MARRIED! It is wholly reasonable for you to be upset. If you're concerned about something DH should be your safe space to discuss that and vice versa. Get couples counselling. You need it. I speak from a place of experience of a very similar relationship, where like you, I was in denial, until I had a breakdown.

Being married does not mean you have to share secrets about other people with your spouse. Being married is not carte blanche to gossip

Married doesn’t mean mind-melded. He and his siblings are fine to keep information private between them.

I’m really sorry but sounds to me that your husband has no respect for you. Fair enough that people can invite who they like to a wedding but for him to keep this secret from you is a major red flag. His aggressive outburst in front of the kids is outrageous. I don’t think he should be forced to see your family all the time but I do think each partner should make an effort with each other’s families. This is a sign of love and respect, even if the in-laws are boring. This man sounds like a child who is not fully invested in his relationship.

Absolutely. This is so monumentally rude. The secrecy is incredibly inappropriate. If she just wants her siblings there - be open and say so. Do n't hide it if you are happy with your choice.

But there are secrets and secrets. This is a secret because the SIL knows it will cause upset. That's not an appropriate secret to keep.

This is about a wedding. If he thinks my sister getting married is really important but the woman I married not only shouldn’t be going but I shouldn’t even tell her about it, then he doesn’t think his wife is worth any respect. Which would be a deal breaker for me.

A wedding is no reason to betray a trust.

While it is undoubtedly weird for someone to get married and not invite their siblings partners/spouses, that is SIL's prerogative and i doubt it's something your husband has any input in.

I'd find it hurtful and bizarre too but would have to respect her wishes. The secrecy is also strange - did she ask him not to tell you? There is no way my DH would keep that from me.

The main problem in your post though is your husbands sudden outburst. That was completely unacceptable, especially infront of your child.
I'd have a hard time forgiving that.

He had a wedding. That is supposed to establish a bond of trust with his wife
as well as make her his nearest family member. If weddings are significant then his should matter. If weddings are not significant then why does he want to go to this secret one and his wife should now his vows were not important to him.

He obviously hasn't told her because his sister doesn't want their mother to know just yet, so they are trying to keep it as under wraps as possible for now. Based on OPs reaction to the news where she can't stop thinking about it and hassling him about wanting to talk about it and ask questions and get involved and talk to the sister, he probably decided it would be better for her to not actually know about it until she absolutely had to.

It seems quite obvious that he was going to tell her about, but he wasn't going to tell her until he got the green light from his sister that their mum had been told.

I'd be disappointed if my DH kept something like this from me, but if I couldn't handle the news or definitely keep my mouth shut I'd understand why he wouldn't want to burden me with keeping it secret until it was absolutely necessary.

does it seem obvious to you he’d have told her?

It's a secret because SIL knows people will be weird about it
And as OP still won't just let it go, it's obvious why DH kept it from her

Still doesn't mean "you are married and must share other people's secrets" is a thing either

No, sorry, I meant it wouldn’t be a secret in the first place. It wouldn’t get to this point!

Exactly.

None of the entire situation is the OP’s business. The husband has a right to private thoughts and private conversations with his siblings.

Wedding invitations and lying to your wife is not ‘private thoughts and private conversations’

Why not? Why does OP need to know her husband has been invited to a wedding?

To be fair @HellDorado, it’s a family wedding not a random colleagues.

If there were this lack of communication and sharing between a couple, I'd really question what the marriage means at all.

His family are the freaks

I get that - and 99 times out of 100, you wouldn’t even need to tell your wife, because she’d be invited too. But if you have specifically been asked to keep it a secret, it’s not like it would be a major betrayal to do so. You’re not keeping infidelity or serious illness or the parentage of your child a secret. Is not knowing your SIL’s wedding plans a real dealbreaker?

That’s insane. He’s not keeping vital information a secret! It’s someone else’s wedding!

I am so sorry that you have been treated this way. The lack of invitation to the wedding is the least of your worries from what I can see. Your husband’s behaviour is appalling. To shout at you like that, especially in front of the children, and to talk about your family in the way that he did is inexcusable.

Kids can be very perceptive. This could be a blow-up that they knew would happen sooner or later. OP sounds like quite a nagger, so the kids have been subject to her going on and on harping on a topic before.

I notice OP walked back on her description of her husband's visits with her family. She started off by implying that it was very frequent, but now says "I don’t make him come every time, I ask him to come sometimes".

One of my BILs is quite an unpleasant person. Not evil or cruel, just very annoyingly loud, a braggart and overrules everyone else. There was a time when he would come every Saturday with a bag of take-out, even if we already told him that we were going out for lunch. Finally, I lost my temper. I didn't yell. I just told him that the next time he ignored our wishes, I was throwing the food straight into the trash bin. It didn't help that the food he bought was usually horrible. OP sounds like my BIL as in she can't accept that the rest of the world is not there to cater to her wishes. She is not invited. She has her own holiday plans for the same time period. Even if she were invited, would she give up her holiday with her family? To me, I think she would then be complaining here that her SIL did not plan a wedding that took into account her availability. Main character syndrome?