Not invited to sister-in-law’s wedding

[Unlisted]

Right it’s my first post but it’s a long one. I want to give full background.

I am very close to my family and DH would say he was close to his as well. He probably sees his mother three or four times a week, if he is working at home he will pick the kids up and drop in to see them. I don’t think he would care if I ever saw them.

I however make him see my family, not every time I see them but enough. I am close to my sister and my BiL naturally gravitates to my DH who acknowledges that he is a good guy but who he finds boring. At our wedding FiL met my BiL and nicknamed him Joe90- a puppet from the 60s!

Every time we go to see them as a family , maybe every month DH used to ask if he had to go and then my son would say the same. It was hurtful so he stopped.

About twice sometimes three times a year Sister and BiL get heavily discounted holidays and travel and we occasionally join them for a couple of days.

On Sunday we were arranging to meet them at a holiday destination after Easter but DH kept saying he wouldn’t be available. He wouldn’t elucidate but kept repeating that I should go ahead with the kids. It was really embarrassing because he wouldn’t tell me why.

We got in the car and I asked him why he couldn’t confirm and my normally mild mannered good humoured husband pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids said that he’d be at his sister’s wedding. She is getting married in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family as his family aren’t freaks like mine!

I think I have a good relationship with his family. I am stunned,

I am not invited (neither are the other partners).

I was crying my eyes out and he was so serious with the kids about how they had to keep everything a secret as his mother doesn’t know yet.

My five year old now uses the word freak all the time.

He has apologised but I want an explanation. He says it’s not his gig!

Your DH behaviour is unreasonable but I don't see an issue with not getting invited to the wedding (I'd be secretly relieved, I don't particularly enjoy weddings). If other partners are not invited then it's not personal. It's their wedding, not yours, and it's not as if they've just left you out.

Why are you so bothered about the wedding?

Is it because it shows how little you (& other partners mean)?

What do you think your husband should do?

My DH has said nothing to her. His other sister has but her husband doesn’t care ( so my DH doesn’t understand why I do).The sister’s response was to ask who her sister would remove from guest list to Asher DH and the kids sister wants to bring as brother’s much older daughter is going over with them and is the bridesmaid.

Accommodate not Asher!!!!!

I think you badgered and badgered until he lost his temper. And now you are still badgering because of... what exactly? That your SiL just wants a small wedding? That is her call, is it not? That she wanted to keep it a secret? He was following her wishes by not telling anyone. I can understand you don't want him to have personal secrets from you, but surely he is allowed not to break other people's secrets? Just let the wedding go. It isn't a personal insult to you, this is the wedding she wanted. I don't think either of you have behaved well here.

If it is a wedding with bridesmaids that isn’t just a small wedding. Also if the mother is expected to be going then I hope your SIL gives her some notice as she has her own life and plans and they need to ensure she doesn’t book anything unless she’s frail and elderly and never goes anywhere. If it’s a fancy do with bridesmaids she will want time to choose a dress and get her hair done. It is starting to sound rather silly

It's her wedding she can invite whoever she wants, perhaps she's on a tight budget, it's a shame that you are not invited but get over it, hardly worth falling out over it.

Reading between the lines they don’t like your family and they’ve chosen the wedding they want. However his unhinged behaviour , even though he’s stressed, is concerning. He’s obviously not happy OP. Sounds like you’ve a lot to work on

Is it possible you weren’t told because it was anticipated that you’d cause a fuss about not being invited?

I can’t believe all the mumsnetters excusing the self-centred SIL. She has caused upset in the family by excluding her siblings partners for what does not sound like a very small wedding. I can’t stand all these modern bridezillas who think they must get everything their way and to hell with everyone else. She’s made it clear where you are on her priorities list, she’s best ignored and everything to do with her mean spirited wedding ignored too

But to not even inform her about the wedding is not right. Why didn’t her husband tell her when he got the invite? Why keep it all a secret?

I agree.
Your Sis and Bill are doing your family a huge favour... I'm assuming these are breaks rather than a full on summer holiday... I bet he doesn't have a problem with the price.

Your BIL doesn't sound offensive, If your DH had a problem with it.. why is he only saying something about it now? Because its a good excuse to counter his own family's behaviour and put you in your place... well your family are freaks- that's why?
I doubt that your family are so outlandish that he cannot manage the occasional get together or a heavily discounted family break.

And yes. As your partner he ought to turn up to the occasional family event if he wants to make you happy, which he should.. why should you suddenly have to start going as a singleton with your kids when you are not? What example does that set. That you are not a team?

Let the sister get on with her plans and just put it to the back of your mind. I wouldn't want to go on those terms anyway.

But as everyone else says.. He doesn't get to refuse to talk about the extreme shouting reaction. The keeping a secret from you so that you cannot make plans with the children and if he'd simply told you then it wouldn't have been such an issue. Doesn't he trust you to keep the "secret" or was he just hoping for an easier life? Either way its a lack of respect. And appears to have caused a massive rift between you.
The co - opting your kids into the "secret" so that they may have to hide things or lie to the grandmother is when a sensible parent should be saying, enough's enough. But he isn't is he? And lets not forget. He's the one who spilled the beans in front of the kids. Not you. I suggest you make sure the kids are not now put in the position of having to lie to their grandmother.

Abusive. Actually abusive.

He won’t want to join you and the ‘freaks’ on the heavily discounted holidays then will he? The audacity of him to use them for such discounts when that’s his thoughts towards them. He can pay full price next time!

As for the wedding, hope he’s organised childcare if your kids aren’t invited or will that fall on you? Assumed childcare so he can slink off to enjoy himself without as much as a thought to you or your feelings.

I know you said you wouldn’t divorce him but seriously his behaviour is disgusting.

He said nothing but agreed not to tell his own wife? When exactly was he planning on telling you? I’d tell him you’re away that day so I hope he’s bringing the kids to the wedding.

Your husband sounds vile. I don’t care how much you defend him, I’m not buying it.
Why has he called your family freaks? Nasty, spiteful and said deliberately to hurt you. In front of your kids.
Lied to you about his sisters wedding. Doesn’t give a shit that you’re upset about it.
he sounds horrible cold and uncaring:

As for the wedding, hope he’s organised childcare if your kids aren’t invited or will that fall on you

Well, no, as they will be on holiday with their mum, auntie and uncle, won’t they?

It doesn't seem like you make any effort with his family so I don't understand why you're surprised or disappointed that you're uninvited. When someone's paying for a wedding of course they want their nearest and dearest around them

As for the wedding, hope he’s organised childcare if your kids aren’t invited or will that fall on you?

Yes, God forbid a mother should look after her own children.

I think you need to drop it with your OH now OP you’ve asked about it, he doesn’t have the answers you want but that’s not his fault.
Going on and on about it is just going to do his head in.
You haven’t been singled out, other partners aren’t invited either, it’s clearly a very small wedding and the SIL and groom are well within their rights to do that. It’s their day not yours. You’re taking something that isn’t personal personally.
the screaming in your face is not good, so deal with that separately, but you need to move on from this.

Yes, that’s a bit weird. If the OP isn’t invited, obviously she’ll be looking after her own children, same as I am this weekend as DH is away.

My DH has said nothing to her. His other sister has but her husband doesn’t care ( so my DH doesn’t understand why I do).

The flipside of that is his sister is - you said - very upset about not being able to bring her partner so why is your DH not upset on your behalf? Also, his sister seems to have not agreed to keep the wedding a secret from her partner, so why didn't he similarly prioritise your relationship?

This is a fair point to be honest. You are away on your hols anyway

The flipside of that is his sister is - you said - very upset about not being able to bring her partner so why is your DH not upset on your behalf?

Because he doesn’t think it’s that big a deal?

Wow!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
As others have said. The lack of invite is a bit weird… BUT not unheard of… presuming the wedding is VERY small I’d probably feel relieved!
I wouldn’t take him to your families again.. he clearly doesn’t like them and I’d just take the kids… I wouldn’t even invite him…. I’d holiday with your family without him too!!
As for him screaming in your face, I wouldn’t let that go… and doing it in front of the children… and making you cry.. again I wouldn’t let this go lightly!
I also HATE when people tell people to keep secrets… from their spouses… then it comes back to bite the secret keeper in the arse … in this case your DH…
my ex MIL told my ex H to keep it a secret that his aunt had dementia…. Then bit my head off when I said it was funny we’d had 2 Christmas cards from her!!! Caused a huge row as he scolded me for saying it was funny because she had ‘fkn dementia’…. I reacted back saying how the bloody hell would I know that!!! He then announced his mam had said not to tell ‘anyone!’…. Really pisses me off… who was I even going to tell (we live 300 miles away from all his family)
I think your SIL can invite who she likes, but asking your DH not to tell you something is bang out of order! And him shouting in your face is a boundary crossed …. It’s up to you now where your relationship goes from here! He’s an arse calling your family freaks though!