Not invited to sister-in-law’s wedding

[Unlisted]

Right it’s my first post but it’s a long one. I want to give full background.

I am very close to my family and DH would say he was close to his as well. He probably sees his mother three or four times a week, if he is working at home he will pick the kids up and drop in to see them. I don’t think he would care if I ever saw them.

I however make him see my family, not every time I see them but enough. I am close to my sister and my BiL naturally gravitates to my DH who acknowledges that he is a good guy but who he finds boring. At our wedding FiL met my BiL and nicknamed him Joe90- a puppet from the 60s!

Every time we go to see them as a family , maybe every month DH used to ask if he had to go and then my son would say the same. It was hurtful so he stopped.

About twice sometimes three times a year Sister and BiL get heavily discounted holidays and travel and we occasionally join them for a couple of days.

On Sunday we were arranging to meet them at a holiday destination after Easter but DH kept saying he wouldn’t be available. He wouldn’t elucidate but kept repeating that I should go ahead with the kids. It was really embarrassing because he wouldn’t tell me why.

We got in the car and I asked him why he couldn’t confirm and my normally mild mannered good humoured husband pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids said that he’d be at his sister’s wedding. She is getting married in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family as his family aren’t freaks like mine!

I think I have a good relationship with his family. I am stunned,

I am not invited (neither are the other partners).

I was crying my eyes out and he was so serious with the kids about how they had to keep everything a secret as his mother doesn’t know yet.

My five year old now uses the word freak all the time.

He has apologised but I want an explanation. He says it’s not his gig!

But even if it's okay for you not to be invited (and I have doubts about that) why on earth should it be a secret from you? I'd be LIVID in that situation.

I would normally do the same but in this instance, none of the partners are invited so if they all do the same, none of the siblings would attend the wedding. That doesn’t seem right, it would ruin her day. And to invite all the spouses (and small children?) would make it a much bigger wedding than his sister can maybe afford?

but I agree, my husband and I would discuss the secret together. There’s no way we would consent to keeping secrets. That’s Marriage 101.

God..what an awful family

But it was alright for the OP to say “Ooh yes, we’d LOVE to come on holiday!” to her sister and BIL without checking if her husband had made plans?

Lots of red flags there. I'd get the locks changed if he actually goes to the wedding - having told him in advance, of course. Make him choose who matters most to him - at the moment it's not his wife or children.

It sounds horrible and hurtful, but on the other hand you say that no other partners are being invited either, so it's not just you being singled out and marginalised. They sound like a rather unpleasant and insular family, tbh, so you're not missing much by not going to the wedding. Have a lovely day to yourself, and don't give it another thought. Btw, your husband isn't exactly in your camp, is he? You might want to have a think about whether you want to be treated this way for the rest of your life.

Bet his mum is at the wedding

It's not a contest, for god's sake. How immature.

If one loved one's spouse, one would make things easier for them, not more difficult. He didn't decide the terms of the wedding invitation.

He decided how he'd respond, then kept it quiet (because he knew it would upset his wife), then committed an assault (shouting in someone's face putting them in fear is a legal assault) in front of the young children...plenty of red flags.

You husband is a walking red flag

This! We come as one

I’m sorry love but your husband is a spineless dickhead & his family are a bunch of freaks!! Who arranged a a wedding & doesn’t invite their Sil & brothers children & keeps the wedding a secret surprise for their own mother….AFREAK does not a sane woman I’d be bloody raging at my husband for playing his part in this charade & he’d be paying a bloody high price too; darling sister in law well she’d get a slice of my mind too & I would not be asking my children to lie for her why should they be deceiving their grandma go on your holiday with your sister & I’d be hoping it pisses with rain all day on her wedding day vindictive yes but cleansing for the soul too

Your husband pulled over and screamed in your face?! Nah. In front of your kids? Absolutely no. Throw him back

Its weird that partners aren’t invited to the wedding , but ok up to her but the worst part if putting your husband in a situation where he has lied to his wife, kids and mother! I don’t get it . If she had to make that decision for whatever reason, she could have done it in a much more reasonable way.
Thats disgraceful behaviour from your husband and I would insist on anger management. However -and this is not an excuse- he must feel under a lot of pressure and pulled in so many directions . None of which allows him to do that , especially in front of the kids.

OP it’s not the wedding he needs to explain. It’s his completely uncharacteristic screaming in your face and calling your family names.

that sounds like rage. Pent up rage filled venom. He needs to talk about this

He sounds like a nasty ignorant little man.
Leave him and his family to it. Focus on yours. Don’t let him treat you like that again.

lits of family dynamics here. The SIL is entitled to have whatever wedding she wants. The ‘DH’ is not allowed to lie to his wife and verbally abuse her especially so in front of the kids.

DH family and HIM do not respect you. I won’t be the one to say get rid but you really need to question the family dynamic here starting with mummy boy spending 3 nights week with his parents and not you, taking his Dc and not you.

I'm sorry, but I would have kicked him out for doing that. That was abusive, intimidating behaviour toward you, his wife, and in front of your innocent children.

Your children don't stand a chance in hell at being decent, well mannered teens and adults with him around.

...it's like you're victimising and gaslighting yourself, so you don't have to admit you married someone nasty with no respect for your family and doesn't care if you're a part of his. You can use all of the excuses you like - What would you tell your own kids if their partner treated them like this? I sincerely hope you don't tell them to defend their abusive partner. You deserve better.

God, OP, your husband is awful.
I could never, ever get past being treated like that.

Please don't think you deserve this just because you asked why he wasn't available. It isn't normal for a husband to behave this way, and now he's trying to explain his way out of it.

She didn’t just ask whether he was available.

All this because she wants a small wedding?

I have been married for nearly 10 years and known him for 13.

He has never behaved like this before. He has apologised to me and our children, who to be fair seemed unfazed by it. I am not minimising his atypical behaviour, it was horrible.

I am not going to divorce him over it.

Neither of us are enmeshed with our families. He doesn’t spend half the week with them, he simply pops in on the way back from picking up kids.

I do see his family but my relationship with them isn’t important to him but his relationship with mine is important to me.

His mother is invited to her daughter’s wedding but they wanted it to be a secret until nearer the time.

My DH is annoyed that I think he lied, he feels that he kept a confidence which he feels doesn’t affect me.

I remain very upset that I am not going to the wedding.

I think it’s reasonable that he doesn’t want to spend a lot of time with your family and it’s fair enough no partners are invited to his sister’s wedding however screaming in your face and calling you freaks is not acceptable.