Not invited to sister-in-law’s wedding

[Unlisted]

Right it’s my first post but it’s a long one. I want to give full background.

I am very close to my family and DH would say he was close to his as well. He probably sees his mother three or four times a week, if he is working at home he will pick the kids up and drop in to see them. I don’t think he would care if I ever saw them.

I however make him see my family, not every time I see them but enough. I am close to my sister and my BiL naturally gravitates to my DH who acknowledges that he is a good guy but who he finds boring. At our wedding FiL met my BiL and nicknamed him Joe90- a puppet from the 60s!

Every time we go to see them as a family , maybe every month DH used to ask if he had to go and then my son would say the same. It was hurtful so he stopped.

About twice sometimes three times a year Sister and BiL get heavily discounted holidays and travel and we occasionally join them for a couple of days.

On Sunday we were arranging to meet them at a holiday destination after Easter but DH kept saying he wouldn’t be available. He wouldn’t elucidate but kept repeating that I should go ahead with the kids. It was really embarrassing because he wouldn’t tell me why.

We got in the car and I asked him why he couldn’t confirm and my normally mild mannered good humoured husband pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs a few centimetres from my face and in front of the kids said that he’d be at his sister’s wedding. She is getting married in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family as his family aren’t freaks like mine!

I think I have a good relationship with his family. I am stunned,

I am not invited (neither are the other partners).

I was crying my eyes out and he was so serious with the kids about how they had to keep everything a secret as his mother doesn’t know yet.

My five year old now uses the word freak all the time.

He has apologised but I want an explanation. He says it’s not his gig!

Your sister in law can organise her wedding any way she wants, your husband is the issue here.

Making him go every time isn’t fair, he married you not your family. I don’t like the long car journey to visit my husband’s family on the weekend and he finds my loud massive family a bit much so we compromise and always go together to important events but are otherwise flexible. Taking the pressure off means we probably see each other’s family more as it’s a choice not a chore.

Your husband keeping a secret from you is weird though, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that when there’s no need. He could have told you and not the kids.

Why did they need to keep it a secret from the mum for a while?! For what purpose. And not inviting spouses to a wedding is bizarre.
Does he actually want to go if you can’t go? Hasn’t he asked his sister why?

I don’t make him come every time, I ask him to come sometimes, it is only my BiL’s company that he finds difficult.

I don’t know why she is organising her wedding like this. DH’s other sister is very upset but her husband isn’t bothered. DH’s brother doesn’t have a partner but his 15 year old daughter will be going over with them.

DH doesn’t feel that it is his business how other people organise their weddings. He is utterly fed up of me talking about it. I don’t think he knows the answers to my questions in any case.

Then stop asking about the wedding ...not your circus not your monkeys and add
dress him being a massive twat in the car ,however hard that is..if he'd have spoken to me like that in front of my kid I would have read him the riot act when the kids were out of earshot , he wouldn't have any balls left .

@Nonrienderien We can have our different opinions on this. I asked my DH how he would feel if his sister invited him to her wedding without inviting me. His answer didn't surprise me when he said firstly that would never happen in my family & secondly if it did I wouldn't attend. I feel the same

That’s great. If you base life on drama llama stuff then go for it. I wouldn’t blink twice, and would happily be at home on the couch in pj’s, get myself a lovely Thai home delivery and be watching Netflix. All while having a nice bottle of champers. When DH got home, I’d genuinely hoped he would have had a nice time. Because I am a mature grown up and don’t belong to the race of the perpetually offended seeking to cause drama. And, yes, this has happened, it’s not how I would act as a hypothetical.

TBH, I think your DH is a twat. There's absolutely no call for him being so dismissive of you. That behaviour indicates a total lack of respect.

Screaming in my face, is how my ex-husband started and continued the verbal and emotional abuse I put up with for 18yrs. He was a narcissistic gaslighter, and even though I split up with him in 2007, I still have not been in a relationship since, because it's screwed my head up, when it comes to men now. Please don't let it get like that for you, it also affects your kids, as it has mine too. 🫂🫂

I don’t think the wedding is the big issue here. Screaming in your face in front of the kids is. It’s abusive. Once is too many times.

Just get over it. She hasn’t invited partners, end of. Just go on the holiday with your sister. I wouldn’t want to be at a wedding for someone that didn’t want me there.
did your husband scream in your face, or raise his voice because he was frustrated?

Forget the wedding. Your sister in law is nasty and your husband is a dick. He can go to the wedding and the next day he can look after the children and you can do something nice without him.

I would also be utterly fed up with you talking about it too. You sound like you want to bulldoze your SIL into doing what you want.

It is HER wedding. Not yours. She can run it however she chooses. Being this upset about it is really rather odd.

Yeah it's a dick thing for her to do but it is her wedding and if she wants to make it a big conspiracy that's her choice.

But your husband treating you like this is not acceptable. You don't keep secrets from your wife/husband. He should have told you nicely.

Quite frankly, the way he's behaving shows he ISNT comfortable with it. He knows it's not OK. He knows he's done something wrong and he's embarrassed/ashamed. But he isn't willing to swallow his pride.

Stop taking about the wedding. Start taking about his behaviour.

It is fine for SIL not to want spouses/partners of her siblings at her wedding.
What is not fine is for your husband not to tell you. As a family you have to do future planning.

Mmmmm! Not liking the sound of your husband one little bit. Shouting in your face! Poor children watching that one! Put a bit of distance between you! Can you go to your parents for a couple of weeks. Loyalties and family dynamics are reading as 'very skewed ''here! You,husband,children are the main family unit now! Your first loyalties have to be to each other. There should be no secrets.Remind your husband of this. If he want no contact with your family but is okay with you and the children having contact then just say that's fine but you will be honest and tell your extended family that he doesn't want to spend time with them! Likewise,you will return the favour to his family. Tbh, Marriage guidance might be in the cards. All the best !

There are a lot of issues here.

Him seeing your family might be important to you but he doesnt like it. It is not fair to continue to force this. I would not be happy at being made to go on holiday with in-laws. I would definitely not be going. They are your family, you see them.

The wedding thing you need to get over. You are allowed to be disappointed but ultimately it is not a personal thing. No over partners are invited so she only wants her siblings there. Thats her choice. Id have probably told my husband about it but i dont think not saying it a big deal. Kids not being invited is also fine, i didnt invite any to mine.

The kids "keeping secrets" thing is a tad dramatic. Just tell them its a surprise for grandma/nana/whatever they call her if you are in the "secrets are bad" camp.

The shouting in your face is absolutely not on at all. I would be pissed off at that. And to be honest its that i would be addressing. If you are saying its the only time its ever happened in 13 years then id be asking why. Not that it excuses it but is there something at work happening, do you have money trouble etc. I get snippy when stressed. Either way its not on.

Why on earth are you still asking about the wedding?! I agree with him in that regard, it’s not his decision.

What you should be upset about is him screaming at you in front of your children, lying to you, minimising your feelings, not respecting your family.

I don’t agree with being made to go on holiday with them - but it sounds like he is usually ok to go on the extremely discounted holidays facilitated by BIL and SIL so maybe he’s not being forced? I don’t think asking him to attend the odd social event is too much? If my partner refused to ever see my family that would be a huge issue for me.

He was an absolute dick to describe your family as “freaks” - and to react the way he did. But I’m afraid he’s absolutely right about it being none of his business who his sister chooses to invite (or rather not invite) to her own wedding. He cannot and should not try to intervene - his only choice here is whether to accept the invitation or not. That’s why he’s sick of you talking about it.

Take the children on holiday with your sister and BIL as planned. The kids get a nice time and it doesn’t become a big thing that they’ve missed their aunt’s wedding - unless you make it one. And maybe pull back in trying to create a closeness between your husband when your side of the family.

See i dont particularly like my in-laws so i dont want to see them. I am happy for him to see them and take the kids etc. They arent my family i dont see the issue. Just the same as i dont care if he sees mine or not.
If its a big thing like a christening, wedding or funeral we are invited to them yes, id attend. But i dont want to visit them.

I remain very upset that I am not going to the wedding.

Why though? No partners are going. You haven’t been singled out.

All you’re doing is making the lack of invitation a bigger issue than it needs to be, and making a thing of how you see your family’s way of doing things as superior.

His family seems strange. Why won’t they tell his mum? Are there other spouses/in-laws left out or are they invited? Why aren’t you seen as his family? Your DH is right that it’s up to his sister what they want, but leaving you out is odd. Surely you are family and should be included.

Why won’t they tell his mum?

I’m guessing because she’s likely to interfere and kick off about the whole “partners not invited” decision?

If my husband behaved like that to me my children would be so shocked and upset, certainly not unfazed.

Unfazed means it did not surprise them.
That says an awful lot about your husband and them.

Yes. He isn't a kind person. Not just this outburst but being horrible about your family (and his dad doing the same suggests his family are not very nice either). I wouldn't want to be involved with them.