Toddler dad picking up and touching other people's kids at playgroups

[Babycatsarenice]

I've come across a Dad in the local park who once weirdly sort of patted my daughter's back when she was crawling past in the playground. Recently at at toddler group I saw the same Dad picking up someone else's kid and putting her on a chair and also messing about withanother kids hat. Strikes me as wierd I never really touch other people's toddlers unless to stop them falling over or falling on another kid. I think he shouldn't do this. AIBU?

For many children whose lives are devoid of any male influence because of the mother's lifestyle, school is one of the few places where they can interact with men. I know there have been instances where men in schools have behaved appallingly, as in all walks of life, but they are a very small minority, the vast majority are decent, hard-working men who provide good role models, especially for boys.

Absolutely bang on 👆

Because of the mothers lifestyle?! Interesting framing. What does that mean?

Stop making stuff up.

I once knew a single childless man in the street i grow up on that always had kids in his house.
He was not a perv he was a foster carer and he loved his job.
It started with him baby sitting for a mate at very short notice out the blue and he just loved it.
So went through all what he had to and become a foster dad.
He adopted 3 kids as well.
He was well known in the area big burly man with a huge heart.
But we did laugh when we saw him shopping once two trollys a time piled right up.
He got rid of his car and got a mini bus.
But he just loved it all the drama the school runs the holidays partys etc.
I think he`s retired now.
But men can do these jobs not so much now because most get blamed or called strange.

This is not borne out by research in any way. Why don’t you just start a podcast if you want to pull ‘facts’ from out of the rear section of your ‘no-no square’?

Because men not being repeatedly told not to interact with children that aren't theirs so the natural change will be that men are not looking out for other people's children in danger, already they won't all help them if they have fallen over and hurt themselves or if they're upset because of the fear of being judged.

No, you're not being told that you are a danger to children. You are misreading everything that is being said.& contradicting yourself? I'm not carrying on with this conversation.

You are correct on all counts and you are also right that it is very sad.

I was once out for an evening bike ride with a group of male colleagues when we encountered a toddler walking down the road in his own. He'd clearly escaped from home and was headed off on a mission.

Colleagues looked at me in panic and full expectation that I would take charge as the only female and return the kid home because they couldn't possibly do it.

I found it very sad that these perfectly decent men were terrified of talking to a lost child and returning him home because they'd potentially be accused of something horrible.

It's also horrible that men can't be friendly or affectionate to kids without raising suspicion. If your gut tells you something's not right then absolutely, act accordingly, but suspecting someone because they're a bit tactile is awful.

seems like a nice person.

Have you got any stats on the proportion of male teachers/nursery workers who are sex offenders vs female workers? There may be some limited benefits ti some specific children from employing males but at what cost?

I work with young children and we don't have direct access to our outdoor space, so we walk in a train across a courtyard area, passing a medical centre, newsagents and a couple of other business premises, obviously passing people coming in or out of the buildings. I have noted the way people react to us and have found it to be very consistent.

Young women mostly ignore us, might side eye us but keep going, same with teens. Women about 30 plus tend to smile at us maybe wave and say hello. Over 50, they usually interact or wave and smile but rarely just blank us. Young men and teens react much the same as women their age. Older men, 60+ interact a lot, sometimes stopping for a chat. But the stark difference is men aged 25 to 60 approx, they never interact, they avoid looking at the children, at most there is a side glance or a little inward smile. Some cross over to avoid walking close by. It's tragic to see, and I find it troubling that this is what children think of men, hostile aloof creatures who don't like them. Especially children who don't have male role models in their lives. It makes me sad that however well intentioned it was, we have created a society of fear and the biggest losers will be children of the next generation.

BraveSirRobinRanaway · Yesterday 12:40

MrsSkylerWhite · Yesterday 12:32
Shabbysock · Yesterday 19:55
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I think he's a brave man because he will get reactions like this, but I wish it was different and men (anyone actually) were allowed to interact with children in public.

This. No wonder it’s so difficult to recruit men into childcare and primary teaching.
Likes kids - must be a pervert.

Is there a reason why we should want to recruit men into caring for young children specifically? How do we mitigate the additional risk to children they present?

Because far too many little boys do not have positive male role models in their lives.

Anyone watched Adolescence? Boys need role models that include decent men behaving well to their wife and children. They are not always getting that. There are too few opportunities for boys to interact with normal men because any male that tries is promptly accused of being a paedophile.

Yes patting a baby's back is an odd thing to do but OP has been watching and the worst thing she's seen since is lifting a child onto a chair and adjusting a hat. Maybe the pat was because he wasnt looking and thought it was his own child, maybe he actually was trying to direct the child away from where he was sitting - to immediately leap to paedophile is paranoid. Such behaviour means decent men are less likely to get involved in running activities for children, activities that keep them away from predators.

I was constantly vigilant for my own child, even with friends I'd known for years or family members. But I wouldnt suspect someone for once patting a toddler's back.

We often hear that as a justification, but have you got any stats on the proportion of male teachers/nursery workers who are sex offenders vs female workers?

There may be some limited benefits to some specific children from employing males but at what cost?

Btw, I don’t know what the stats are but as men are a tiny proportion of nursery staff, a quick google raises a concerning number of male sex offenders who abused young children in their care. Then we could add in the scout leaders, priests, football coaches etc who also abused children.

Are there better ways of providing those important male role models for the relatively small number of children lacking them without significantly increasing the risk of harm for all?

“There may be some limited benefits to specific children”. There are undoubtedly significant benefits to a great many children. Why downplay it, other than to suit your own agenda?

Whatever the split is - women are still capable of violating children. Even if the split is leaning more toward men that doesn’t mean we should look at every man who is just trying to be a good father figure as a predator.

Look at everyone equally and judge their actions without bias.

I get what you mean. Although i think there’s nothing sinister in this dads actions, I wouldn’t want someone I don’t know touching my toddler, even to put her on a chair or pat her back. Of course different if you know the dad/are friends but a random person, definitely not! I wouldn’t want a random mum either doing this and I wouldn’t to another child. All the comments saying “this is why dads are scared to do blah blah” are missing the point. If some people aren’t happy with you touching their toddler, then you must respect people’s boundaries!

Trust your instinct.

Nope you are the odd one.

keep alert yes, demonise avuncular silly men, no.

This country is so weird about things like this ! Similar to how people have issues with men working in childcare

other countries (Thailand for example) everyone picks up your kid and helps you - men and woman! I ate all my meals in peace and quiet as my baby was usually being entertained by staff at the place

Worlds gone mad, everyone is offended and dare not talk to any one, anxiety is raging. Poor kids now no one dare interact with them. Probably your mind that's polluted not his.

People can be strange. I returned a toddler to 2 women who had gone into a shop and they didn't look to see if he was following. He nearly fell down an escalator. Not a word of thanks just angry looks.

What ‘agenda’ do I have?

The vast majority of children live with both parents and of the children who live with one parent, their father will generally still play an active role in their lives. That leaves quite a small minority of children who are missing a father figure who provides a good role model and the male input that is good for children.

What are the ‘significant benefits’ you are referring to?

Do you have evidence that male nursery staff or teachers are recruited specifically to possess those qualities? It seems like you’re making a lot of assumptions about the behaviour and attitude of these men.

Maybe you should look at the level of child protection and sexual exploitation issues there are in Thailand before you hold them up as a great example of how we should behave? UNICEF are concerned about them.