Toddler dad picking up and touching other people's kids at playgroups

[Babycatsarenice]

I've come across a Dad in the local park who once weirdly sort of patted my daughter's back when she was crawling past in the playground. Recently at at toddler group I saw the same Dad picking up someone else's kid and putting her on a chair and also messing about withanother kids hat. Strikes me as wierd I never really touch other people's toddlers unless to stop them falling over or falling on another kid. I think he shouldn't do this. AIBU?

There's a big difference in parenting your own child and in touching a strangers child with no reason to do so. At least one of the kids in ops scenario weren't even engaging with this guy, he sought out the contact.

That 80% stat is if you take the highest global estimate of women offenders. The article you’ve linked is a bit all over the place in where it is taking its stats from. As at least half of women abusers act with men you have to raise the ‘men abusers’ count to 90%. In the UK, it is 4% of women who abuse without a male coconspirator, so a very very small number. When you consider that women are more likely to be around small children (as nursery and primary teachers, nurses, child minders, mothers) it again means the stats don’t represent the true picture which is that your child is almost 100% safe from sexual abuse by women.

It is a very sad situation and yet look how many parents can be heard saying, "Oh they're so much friendlier in countries like Spaiiiiiiin and Itaaaaly, if only Brits cared about kids like that" 🙄

You sound like the yummy who screamed at my late OH for sitting on a bench near the swings, reading his Kindle and not responding to her demands about why he was there for a whole 5 minutes, the idiot threatened to call the police, she was purple with anger! When I turned up with our grandchild, newly toiletted and ice-creamed we had a good laugh about her.

DS2 works shifts so can take DGS (15mths) to his swimming lessons, toddler groups and stay & play sometimes. He absolutely loves doing it. Both he, and DDIL, want DGS to grow up knowing that childcare, housework, shopping etc is not a woman’s job, men are as capable and imo they’re doing a great job.

If he was at a group and a child wanted lifting into a chair, he’d do it, if it was safe to do so. If a child fell off a piece of equipment, and he was the only one around, it wouldn’t be in his nature to leave them. He’s a nurse, he’d absolutely pick them up.

We hear all the time that we need to encourage men to do more childcare, to take on more of the parental responsibility and to share parental leave. Yet in the next breath, if a child needs and that helper happens to be a man, it’s wrong. We can’t have it both ways.

Op is right to trust her instinct that something is off with him. Having had direct and indirect experience with two men I knew turning out to be child abusers I am highly wary. Neither of these men would have struck you as the "type" if there even is one.

Personally even as a woman I don't touch other people's children unless they are in danger or have hurt themselves and even then I make sure it's as little as possible.

To be fair I’m a woman and I certainly wouldn’t be touching/interacting with someone else’s child unless I knew them, same with my DH. I think I’d probably be more likely to if a child was hurt but I know plenty of dads who wouldn’t even in that case as they know it’s not socially acceptable, my DH went to pick up a child who had fallen off his scooter and had to stop himself, his parents were trailing behind.

@naunet your experience is blinding you to the millions of men who have no ill intent. "looking out for children" is not restricted to women, men need to do it too - unless you'd rather a toddler drown because their feckless parents were nowhere around. And yes, I know toddlers are escape artists but those particular parents were feckless.

You make children less safe, not more so, by preventing normal men from interacting with them.

I don't want to be touched randomly in public by a stranger, and I wouldn't want it for my kid either. Obvious exceptions are emergencies, kid is lost, etc. If a kid approaches an adult and passes them a ball or etc, you expect some interaction, but if a random adult started hugging my child or stroking their back I'd find it odd.

There is just no real need to be touching strangers, and that includes children. Babies are a little different as they're typically being held by a parent, and most people want to stroke their cheek or whatever. I don't mind this, as long as people ask first. I have 0 issues with men smiling at and waving at my kid from a distance either. I'm more than happy with interaction, just not touch.

But anyway. Frankly a lot of men are predators, and commit the vast majority of sexual crimes. If men want society to treat their interactions with women and children with less suspicion, the onus is on men to do better.

And no, I wouldn't feel the same about another woman, because the likelihood of another lone mother in a park being a predator is exceptionally low.

Yes, some adults will use children for their own ends.

Statistically it is usually men using them for sexual abuse but very occasionally women. It is important for everyone to put child protection first and call out inappropriate gracious.

Atamlin,

She wasn't bothered that you carried her child over, she was annoyed because other people could see she had neglected to do the same even though she had seen it. Her problem, not yours. I feel sorry for her child.

@anyolddinosaur "your experience is blinding you to the millions of men who have no ill intent."

Wow that's amazing you know which men are the ones with no ill intent! Could you tell us how you pick the bad ones out of a crowd please? I would say it's pretty feckless to assume all strangers are safe to touch your child without cause. Women don't walk with keys in their fists because ALL men are bad - the issue is that there's enough that the risk is real and there's no way to tell who is harmful and who isn't. So we safeguard BEFORE something bad happens.

You may think this is random but an experience I had about 10 years ago when I was about 62. I am female and was walking my dog in the only green area in this particular town centre. There was always a lot of younger people in the vicinity - teenagers and some of the groups were horrible (not all). This particlar group of males - about 11 or 12 of them aged between I would say 14 - 17, were messing about chucking rubbish, some were drinking - I ignored them until they started throwing bottles and cans at the ducks and couple of swans in the lake. I remonstrated with them and one threatened to throw me in the lake. I told hime to try it and got more abuse. One of the group told me to go home and I responded I wouldn't and he said he was trying to help me by suggesting this. I told him only way to help me was to stop torturing the ducks/swans. The first one then came at me with "You fucking paedo" I was absolutely shocked and fuming and said "Do you even know what a Paedophile is - go and ring the Police and report me". They didn't of course and gradually left the area after a couple more insults (not Paedo again). Can you imagine how I felt - what if someone walking by had heard, would people have rounded on me. Yes there are some awful men out there and I am suspicious of a lot of them through past experience and the alarming numbers of men with the most awful child pornography who sometimes just get a slap on the wrist when they should be jailed for at least 5 yrs, because why would anyone want to loook at those vile images. Men or women need to step up and call out other men (mostly men but not always) who do this or make sexual comments about any other person age irrelevant and report them if they do have child images on their phone and they are aware of this. But please be careful who you tar with that brush. What would I have done had those horrible oinks, accused me of touching them and got the Police. They were 11 or 12 in number I was 1.

I'm sorry, you were abused as a child.

yes, of course paedophiles make the world a worse place, but that doesn't mean you need to be suspicious of every adult that interacts with a child in a very ordinary way. It doesn't mean you need to deprive your child of interaction with other people in their community and to feel happy with others.

Insisting no other adult can talk to or touch your child just makes your child's world much much smaller, unnecessarily so.

And just to be clear, I accept that you may have meant 'people with your opinion' I didn't actually mention you specifically at all.

It is very sad indeed. Ordinary men that aren't to risk wanting to interact with young children and young children wanting to interact with them should be a lovely thing and should be encouraged not seen as 'odd'

Yes, it's swooned over and encouraged in other parts of Europe but in the UK, it's seen as a paedophile on every restaurant table or at every toddler group with their own child.

Exactly!!

Your DS2 sounds lovely and he and his wife sound brilliant, I'm glad you DGS is getting such a balanced upbringing.

One of my friends worked at a daycare, they employed a lovely young lad who the kids thought was great, he was good at playing with them, he was brilliant at story time & he was a good worker that mucked in with all crap jobs that needed doing around the place you couldn't want for a better employee, but the parents just made everything difficult and in the end he left and started working in construction... not his bag at all, but less emotionally draining.

I agree, that article does jump around all over the place, it also isn't a very broad analysis of research. Which is why I said "at least" 80%. I also agree with most of the rest of your post regarding access, co- abuse etc.

The idea that any child is almost 100% safe from sexual abuse by women isn't quite true, just look at the Catholic Church, where it would be 95% safe.

Where did I say I do that? Stop making things up.Yes Im sure its very inconvenient for men that adults like me exist, poor them, my heart bleeds, but my concern is with children being safe. My point was purely about people like you blaming innocent people for being aware child abusers exist, rather than blaming child abusers for the impact they have on society.

I think this needs saying time and time again. I don't think it can be said often enough. !!

I think its sad that everyone is scared of each other nowdays. I know the risks, but people are scared ot interact or intervene or even have normal conversations and interactions for fear of others or fear of being accused.
You can't tell who has sinister intentions but you can have a rationable response to interactions.
He tapped my daughter on the back and touched her hat does not equal, is therefore a paedophile or child murderer. It doesnt equate.

I make children less safe?! Unbelievable.

I didn't make anything up.🙄🙄🙄

Has nothing to do with it being'inconvenient for men to have people like you around'

You're not actually making children any safer.

But I think we should drop this conversation because it's going nowhere

Yes, sadly is the way it has gone. I wonder if there's any way of turning it around or is it too late?

Yes you did, you suggested i don't let any adult talk to or touch my child, made up rubbish. I'd love to hear how trusting random strangers make children safer? It didn't make me safe when everyone turned a blind eye, unsurprisingly.