Toddler dad picking up and touching other people's kids at playgroups

[Babycatsarenice]

I've come across a Dad in the local park who once weirdly sort of patted my daughter's back when she was crawling past in the playground. Recently at at toddler group I saw the same Dad picking up someone else's kid and putting her on a chair and also messing about withanother kids hat. Strikes me as wierd I never really touch other people's toddlers unless to stop them falling over or falling on another kid. I think he shouldn't do this. AIBU?

I don't. They're protecting themselves. People get accused of all sorts.

The behaviour is a little unusual - but over-reacting to it instead of just keeping an eye is why good men may not help a child in distress. My husband would always send me to say, talk to a lost looking child about where their parents are if I was present. Do you really want him to be scared to take a child with no visible parents around out of the sea? He was closer than me so he acted.

So, this man was showing kindness to the littles ones in full view of other people, in a park and at a toddler group. At the toddler group presumably there was a room full of other people. No suggestion that he was attempting to remove the child or do something sneaky.

How do you get from that to 'he must be a weirdo?' I am sorry if you have had bad experiences that mean your brain is wired this way but it doesn't make you right to jump to this conclusion.

If the world is becoming a more hostile place to live in, this is one of the reasons why. We all need kind women and kind men in our lives and our children need good role models. This man is sounds like a really good father, involved with his child (brave to turn up to toddler groups which are more often full of mums and childminders) and taking his child to the park.

When I was a child, one of my friends had a really fun dad. I can always remember being very cheeky to him at my friends parties. This is a warm memory from my childhood. I suppose nowadays, this man might feel that he couldn't be fun or involved at his kids party in case of speculation that he is a 'weirdo.' It's the reason that some men decided against teaching or becoming a scout leader or playing Father Christmas. Sad times.

Good grief.

He’s being human. The problem is not with him.

You’re the reason men are fearful of going into primary teaching and volunteering for primary age children’s groups. Get a grip.

We have instincts for a reason. If you think something is off with this man, then you are probably right.

Men, however they identify, commit around 99% of sexual crimes. In fact it's so rare for women to commit sex crimes that the recent rise in numbers of men identifying as women is skewing the crime statistics because over 70% of men who identify as women who are incarcerated in the UK have committed sex crimes or other violent crime.

This is literally the government figures: More than 70 per cent of transgender prisoners are in for sex offences or violent crimes

Complain to the "nursery" about something that "could" happen? Complain because a man lifted a child onto a chair and touched another child's hat? Ridiculous. What a dreadful, soulless society devoid of human touch you seem to want to create.

Definitely!!

I am so grateful to have grown up when I did, before the world went completely mad!

Did it occur to you that your children may actually enjoy interaction with other people and that you don't actually own them?

Same. It's getting ridiculous. I don't blame men for not helping and staying away from certain jobs. Why risk being accused? Fuck that.

Reminds me of the comedian Bill Burr saying how he loves kids - absolutely loves them but is afraid to touch them because of people like you. He put a kid in a chair etc...it's hardly peado behaviour is it?

My friends DH was a SAHD, brilliant with the kids. Unfortunately, the kids didn't get to go to many groups because of the reaction from the women there. Where kids are late teens early 20s now and he does a job where he is around a lot of children and they still gravitate towards him like he's the Pied Piper of children. He's just a nice bloke.

People like you and others on this thread are making society far less pleasant.

This is absolute nonsense, easily disproven by crime statistics. Almost all sex crimes are committed by men. There's no good justification for insisting we view men and women with the same level of suspicion.

My husband is like this. He loves kids and they always gravitate towards him because he engages with them. He forgets that theres weirdos in the world and people are wary of men they dont know because he just thinks of all kids like ours when they were small and he misses that!

He would definitely help a kid down from a climbing frame or lift them up onto a swing if they asked etc

As a mum i see it from both angles.

Its just sad that there are so many men in the world that hurt kids and make us so suspicious of any man that enjoys normal interactions with kids.

No, we need to stop blaming innocent people here, put the blame where it belongs, on all the men who DO abuse, not innocent people trying to protect their children. These men are the reason other men may feel they can't help children.

The sad fact is that there are so many dodgy men around that the police don't even lock then up for having loads of images of children being raped. This man has been handsy with multiple children. Tragically, we can't just assume that he's no danger - that simply isn't the world we live in.

How many times have we all seen on here when women have said they think something is up with their husband's behaviour - they can't put their finger on it but they know something is up? They are nearly always right that it's an affair. It's because we have evolved to instinctively pick up on tiny signals.

It's never a good idea to tell women to ignore our instincts.

It’s not 50/50 or anywhere close, incidences of sexual abuse of children by women are very rare. In the UK (according to ons 2019) the statistic for women committing sexual abuse alone is 4%, a further 4% involves male and female perpetrators acting together. So even if you count both those groups 92% of sexual abuse of children is by men.

I don’t think this particular man patting a baby on the back and touching a hat or whatever is particularly sinister. But the 50/50 claim is insane.

Again, I'd say its nonce's making society far more unpleasant, not people responding to the fact nonces exist and keeping an eye out for their kids.

I was abused as a child, no one looked out for me, so damn right I look out for other children, and you suggest that it's me that's the problem?!

You do realise that this kind of attitude towards men caring for children in public directly impacts how many are crap dads in private too. It's easy to be passed off as "women's work" as long as it's weird for a man to do it. The weaponised incompetence creates itself.

A man touching a kid on the back in public is not a crime.

Of course, you're right, crime stats are a good indication, but they are just crime stats. They don't give a true or full picture, or look at the differences in male and female patterns of abuse. Ie female abusers tend to abuse younger children and are less discriminatory about their sex.

theconversation.com/women-also-sexually-abuse-children-but-their-reasons-often-differ-from-mens-72572

It does seem likely that at the very least 80% of sexual abuse against children is by men though, with the most likely offender being a male friend or family member and by far the most likely victims girls.

It’s actually 96% of abuse by men sorry I didn’t add the ‘both’ to men count.

I asked my DH. He said he'd be terrified of the parent's reaction if he touched, talked to, or even interacted with another kid.
He said that in the past, when he used to take our DS's to the playground, he'd actively avoid other kids, unless he knew the parents.
He said sometimes toddlers would just start talking to him, and he'd feel really uneasy.
Whereas when I took them, I'd just get stuck in and talk to whoever. Young or old.
It's a sad situation.

This is such a valid point. People are cautious because there is reason to be. We cannot go about pretending all men are nice guys who innocently enjoy playing with kids. By that logic there's also zero reason for men to be kept out of female spaces because we don't want to blame the nice guys for the bad guys behaviour. Even though we actually can't tell the difference.

I also think that what everyone is forgetting here is that sometimes it's not WHAT someone does it's the fact it gives us the ick that matters.

I work in safeguarding and i don't just teach my ds the swimsuit rule, I teach him that if anyone touches him in a way that HE doesn't like or makes him uncomfortable (be it a pat on the head or a touch to the arm or just standing too close) he has the right to speak up, say no and look for help. The action itself doesn't matter. So perhaps while this guy hasn't done anything obviously 'bad' or predatory maybe there is just something that op is sensing about him that is giving her the ick. And not one person here can say that she should ignore that. And let's remember that most predators start off with innocent play and groom the adults around them as much as the children by playing the role of the safe kid magnet.